Homesick

I rarely talk about home. It makes me sick.

Homesick.

and right now, I want to be nowhere but home.

I just miss being a child, a sister and a friend...

I would rather say that I'm careless, and not sensitive enough.

I tend to do things or say something that will hurt them, although God knows I don't intend to do so.

Action may hurt. So does words.

Tear falls, heart bleeds.

Impossible to undo.

I'm sorry for could not be good enough...

-Miss B-

When the wall is cold enough to talk to...

There’s a lot of time I feel like banging my head over the wall or knocking it with frying pan. I hate thinking of my embarrassing moment.

“urgh, why did I do that??” that question’s roaring in my head.

I don’t know if such feeling is healthy. In fact, I hate it.

There'll be time when I feel so inferior every time I recall embarrassing incident. If I were the only person who's living in this hall, I would have probably shout my heart out loud.

That's why I sing.

Singing will make me forget about those humiliating moments. And it will seem like I'm having a good time... (yeah right!)

Ahh, I just need to think of my positive attributes in order to cast the feeling away...

Yeah, overcoming negative thoughts with positive thinking.

I could do that.

***

Again, I feel like my grammar is shrinking.

I have to revise.

-Miss B-

Smart.

I have a theory. I would like to propose this for the thesis of my doctorate (hold on folks, let me finish first. It won't be funnier than this)

I don't know why but lately I have a tendency to curse. One of the most heard words comes out from my mouth is "idiot".

While doing revision with my friends, things went wrong all of a sudden and I started to curse.

"IDIOT!"

I was actually addressing that to myself. I misinterpreted one revision question, and you know the stress of last minute study can really drive one crazy sometimes. I'm not good in stress management. So I started to curse at myself over and over. "Idiot! Idiot! Idiot!"

My friend overheard this (and I'm pretty sure that she herself got fed up listening to me cursing all the way long)

So she told me, "don't say 'Idiot', Say 'Smart', "

Initially, I just smiled at her suggestion.

Things went on, I cursed over and over and every time my friend heard this, she would remind me, "Smart"

So, the next time I felt like cursing, I tried to say "Smart" instead of "Idiot".

I wouldn't say I have got rid of my "Idiot" word, but at least now, every time I feel like cursing, "Smart" would come out instead of "Idiot".

I might have been conditioned, just like in the behaviorist theory. I don't know. My lecturer told me, we humans are much conditioned. We tend to do things that we have been trained to do.

My point here is, if humans are responding to conditioning, then we could possibly change certain behaviors.

I know that Glasser (he is the proponent of Choice Theory - Classroom Management) said that we own our own behaviours. We cannot change others' but ours.

However, in my opinion, there is still a place for behaviorist theory to slip in.

Take my experience as an example. We cannot simply stop a behavior on the spot. It takes time. Say in my example, my friend cannot simply tell me to stop saying 'Idiot'. (this comes back to Glasser theory, I OWN my behaviour) No one can simply stop me for I choose to behave that way. I choose to say 'Idiot'.

What my friend did was, she compromised with me. She gave me other option to replace the word 'Idiot'. Smart.

I guess that works better. Now, you'll hear me saying smart all the way back. People say, what you say is what you are. Am I smarter??? lol.

-Miss B-

Numbness

Somehow I wish that you'll be here,

to wipe every drop of tears that streaming down from my eyes...

How come I feel so cold when it feels so warm on my face?

Tears, you take away the warmness of my soul...

***

Where art thou, Love?

-Little E-

Rambling again

Been having a good laugh today with my girlfriends, picking on each other, cooking together, and then sharing our lunch... I had a wonderful time!

I could still feel my stomach aching because of too much laughing!

My girlfriends are real jokers! We talked about our imagination, about future and so on.. then we touched any wood nearby if any of us happened to mention something scary that no one ever desired to occur... stupid stuffs, yet it was a great moment.

I thank God for everything. I mean, it's good to have a time together especially when you're about to sit for an exam in three days. I haven't been studying much, and I know I should have best done my revision or else I'm gonna screw up my big day...

sigh, why did I talk about exam in the first place???

Ok, I better go back to my work. Till later, folks! Be good!

-Miss B-

My writing tasks.

It's kinda embarrassing reading my previous post just to spot some grammatical errors or typos. I feel like banging my head on the wall! lol~

Upon this I come to realize how important proofreading is. One of the comments that my lecturer often gave me was, "style problems are letting you down, as long as general proofreading"

So, it'll be good to finish your work earlier and let someone goes through it before you hand it in. But for a last-minute person like me, finishing task earlier is indeed difficult. But I guess I have improved over time. Nowadays, I have tried my best to complete everything as early as possible. But now my main problem is trying to finish three or more assignments in time! (How on earth I can do such thing when I am progressing so slow...) well, no excuse! Don't complain, work harder!

Ok, I have a good time posting something motivating!

Till later, see ya!

-Miss B-

Heartfelt Wish

Time indeed can do so much. It reveals the most hidden story that you would never expect to exist. I was deceived by appearance. But time reveals the truth.

It was five years ago since I last saw her. She was not a friend of mine, but I knew her. We used to go to the same school. I rarely talked to her and hence I didn't know much about her. She preferred to be quiet when the whole world went riot. She was on her own, secretive, mysterious... No one knew the story behind those soft brown eyes, nor between the lines of those black shiny hairs. I bet no one was curious enough. Or probably those soft brown eyes was firm enough to shut other's up, as if you could hear an out loud "back off!!!" from the back of your mind, whenever you try to intrude into her mind.

And that discouraged me too. To make a warm step and say a friendly 'hi'. I didn't do that to her. and it's weird, because I normally did that to almost everyone, but her.

I got to know about her recently from a friend's blog. She is now 'different'. No, that doesn't describe her best. I would rather say, she has 'grown up'.

I saw her photos. I saw her smiling face, but I could feel the same old coldness whenever I try to delve into those soft brown eyes. Ah, they have changed over time... A bit tougher, and hardened.. They still look soft though. I wonder what they have seen these past 5 years. Still secretive, more mysterious, but now you could sense the emergent of rebel as well.

From a friend, I got to know that she has had a 'partner'. I am happy for her. At least she has now opened her heart to someone. Someone to lean on when everyone turns their back on, someone to count on when no one seems trustful enough, and someone to turn on whenever insecurity hunts. I pray for her happiness. I kinda regret it for not being brave enough to approach her earlier. And now, I am well aware that I have no right to judge or condemn her for what she is now.

I wish her good luck, and may she happy with her...

-Miss B-

Spring's flower

I've been thinking a lot lately. I mean, I think more than ever (because "thinking" is indeed my hobby).

And normally I get my source of thinking from my readings. You name it, Wikipedia, Blogs, News, Magazine, even people's status on Facebook!

But I was quite taken aback with my journal reading recently. You can access it here.

For a speaker of other language (SOL) like me, whose English is merely sufficient for daily confab, the lexicon used kinda baffling me. But I managed to make sense of it to certain degree. And what I got from it was:

"This is what the contemporary self wants. It wants to be recognized, wants to be connected: It wants to be visible"

Long story short, it argues that people nowadays are losing the sense of solitude, the capacity to be alone.

It reminds me much to Mary's say in Pride and Prejudice (a novel by Jane Austen)

"Vanity and pride are different things, though the words are often used synonymously. A person may be proud without being vain. Pride relates more to our opinion of ourselves, vanity to what we would have others think of us."

I can't help but thinking that we humans are much bound to vanity. We care so much of what people think about us, and thus left dependent to visibility. It's no longer a desire. It's a NEED. To be visible, to be acknowledged by others.

How many of us, can sit still without submitting to the urge of internet, handphone and so on?

In fact, I myself find it difficult to sit and do my reflection without going to the net, checking my phone (to see if my inbox is full), etc.

It's such a pain to admit because our egoistic nature won't give in. But come back to reality, we indeed (well, almost) can't live ALONE.

I am so much endorsing constructivist model, especially Vygotsky's sociocultural theory. I believe that in order to learn more, we have to interact with other (this explains why we need LANGUAGE).

However, I do believe that sometimes we need SOLITUDE in order to come back to our inner self, and internalize everything that we've learnt in our social life. To reflect. To ponder upon.

I hate to think myself as vain. I don't need to be acknowledged by others that I'm pretty or intelligent, for it exposes me to INSECURITY. I want to stay confident, to be able to keep my chin up, and to know that I was created magnificently (we are created in HIS own image)... even without people telling me.

I need to strengthen my inner strength. People won't make me down unless if I allow them to.

-Miss B-

My Solitude Thought

I've learned a lot of things in these past few months. A Lot. And everything is new. I sort of believe that I've been trained to bring a change.

I have seen a lot of things. Old and New. And I have been shown how the old one is outdated, and why the new one is important.

It's about to CHANGE.

from the OLD to the NEW.

But the my problem now is... How am I going to do that?

How am I going to tell the world about the CHANGE?

Of course, it is always 'easy said than done'.

Theory precedes practice.

Everyone can talk theoretically but when it comes to the practical part, you'll be happy if you see one stands out relevantly to the theory.

I've been taught that homework is not a good closure for a lesson plan. But still, when it comes to carry out a lesson plan, I still have the tendency to use homework as the closure.

To CHANGE is indeed difficult.

People can read thousands of books on theories, but it's not a guarantee that they are gonna be good in their practice afterward.

One can preach others how bad this and that stuff, but it takes a great deal to see if that person practice what s/he preaches.

And once you don't walk your talk, that's the end of your belief...

Sigh, I don't intend to make it sound like a horror movie, but I suppose it's better to be realistic...

I will try to be more confident next time.

-Miss B-

Persevere.

I'm trying my best to improve my writing. It's not easy, especially when you have to write in a language that you barely know. I would say that even to date, I have not gained much familiarity in English. All I can do is trying to boost my knowledge in every single way as much as possible.

I thank those who are willing to spend time reading my posts. I normally write things to amuse myself. That I have words flowing in my head and I would like it to be up on this page. Of course I would favor it more if my children/grandchildren/great grandchildren are benefited from this log.

Sometimes it doesn't make sense.

Sometimes it's so overwhelming.

Sometimes it's just so plain.

I'm still looking for a way how I can diversify my writing style. It needs a lot of forbearance. I hope my exuberance in writing will persist.

ps: I welcome everyone. but please don't spam this page. Peace!

-Miss B-