"I love therefore I am"

If you've been reading me since the beginning, you surely know how much I fear waking up in the morning to find myself unable to love. To be so numb, to be expressionless. It's too subjective, I couldn't find a better word to explain it.

I keep on asking myself, what does it mean by loving? A close friend of mine shared 1 Corinthians 13 to me.

Verse 4-7 always made me feel convicted, till there was once when I thought that I would never be able to love...

I feel ashamed... I'm too weak to love... To love indeed takes a great courage... To let go grudge, to offer forgiveness... I was emotionally hurt so many times till I became an emotional handicap (if only such term exist). But I don't want to be paralyzed forever, and hence I gather every drop of strength left, strive to love again.

"There's always hope", I told myself over and over.

I'm surprised at how I could relate myself to poetry. I found this poem during my poetry class. It's just beautiful, the way it is...

Definition of Loving

by Bruce Dawe

Thank you for love, no matter what its outcome,
that leads us to the window in the dark,
that adds another otherness to others,
that holds out stars as if they were first diamonds
found in a mine that had been long closed down,
that hands out suns and makes us ask each morning:
What else do we need, picnickers in time?
Thank you for love that does not hang on answers,
That says, “Enough’s enough, to love is plenty …”
– by such signs do we know the world exists,
amo ergo sum, thank you for that.
The miles, the years, the lives that lie between
– they always lay there, and they always will,
but look, the loved one spans that dizzy distance
by the act of being, and we lovers turn
our faces steadily thou-wards as a field
of sunflowers like a tracking station turns,
charting its meaning by the westering sun.'

***

Lord, teach me to sincerely love.

-Miss B-

Random song in my head

It's amazing how a song reminds you of your past so much, as if you are brought to the scene itself to see the old you listening to the very same song.

And just now I listened to a song which was once so dear to my heart. Every time I heard the beat, the melody, my mind started to wander. Weirdly enough, I could even remember the person who I used to think of whenever I listened the song long time ago.

Music has done so much to my world. No, I'm not a musician or involved in music industry though how much I wish I were.

Now I wonder how I could apply music in my future career...

Oh, I've been listening to Israel Kamakawiwo Ole's version of Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I love the ukulele sound... and I seek solace in every line of the lyric... :)

-Miss B-

We're still fighting

It's quite cold outside, and I have my socks on. I wish I have a driving license and a car so I can go out and party like most my coursemates do.

No, I'm not so into drinking and hardcore partying. But the idea of having a social life like a teenager who's just been away from home really tempts me. I wanna be silly. I wanna have life. And for once, I just wanna be irresponsible without bothering of what people might think about me. Polar Bear said I'm in mid-20's crisis. I live in denial and try to revive my teenage life by doing things that I had never done when I was one. Pathetic eh?

But one thing for sure, I never regret my adolescence years even if I spent most of the time being an obedient daughter. I lived my life to a standard my parents expected me to. I didn't go party, neither the chance of going to a prom. I came home before my curfew(which normally at 6pm). Surprisingly, I didn't break the rules even when I first stayed away from home at the age of 18. I was too scared to fall from grace, and to disappoint my family was the last thing on my mind.

I told myself that it's okay to be sensible, to be prudent. I don't need to go against the current and do things that aren't me (as most my friends that time were "having the time of their lives" by partying, traveling, etc) I remember being labelled as the nerdy (or should I say the loser?) in my school and thus was well qualified to be a social outcast. It was a painful memory. But I survived. And that what makes me proud until now. To survive and to move on.

Growing up is a big thing. It's not easy and you'll be tempted along the way. But you've got to know your stance and your strength.

Learn to be wise.

-Miss B-

Let it be a sweet sound in Your ear

You've given me my voice... and an ear to melody...

How wonderful it'll be, if this tiny soul of mine sings for Your Glory...

-Little E-

You Smile I smile

I sent my laptop for tech health check last week, and I didn't get it back till this afternoon. Thus, it explains the long hiatus. I miss writing on this page, though I know no one would bother to see if I come up. There's a lot of thing running in my head, and it'd be good if I could write them down.

I woke up this morning feeling jolly despite the fact that I haven't finished my assignments.

"About 30% to go, won't hurt me much even if I become a lil ignorant", my heart rebelled.

I went to class, fully motivated, and ready to pick up lesson along the line. Then during the lunch break, my friends and I walked to the town to fetch my baby, the lappy. The guy in the IT store said that it was perfectly fine and they updated some software that need to be. We went for lunch after that, and I felt bliss.

But then, as my friend used to tell me, "sh*t happens". And indeed, it really happened. I lost my pendrive, and there it goes, my one week of hard work. I'm actually a last minute person. I love doing everything at the very last moment because it kinda satisfying knowing that I could finish my task on time despite the time constraint. But children, I have to warn you, it's not a good practice!

Ok back to the story, this time I made the effort to start working on my assignments a way earlier. I've finished 70% of my essay, just need to work on editing, and intro and conclusion. And you probably could guess it --> I saved the document in the pendrive. To some sort, I have been feeling that I should save the documents somewhere. But I didn't. I neglected my gut, and now they're gone. Life's hard eh? Sh*t indeed happens.

But I have to remain positive. So, I smiled because I'd feel good as long as I do.

I say my mantra over and over, "everything happens for reason".

I think I should go back to work. Till then, be good folks!

-Exhausted Miss B-

Don't you bring me down today

I didn't know why I was so upset. I got to know from my girlfriends about people talking bad about me and I became so angry. Initially I was pissed off with the person who started the whole thing. I swore and and screamed at the top of my lung... and now I regret it. Lose control and run amok, those are qualities that I'm not proud to have. In fact I'm ashamed of myself. I'm stable and I won't be mad easily, that was what I used to think about myself. But tonight, I lost control. I let myself to be eaten by anger, being so emotional, and I cried in frustration! Boohoo!

Then it suddenly dawned on me, why should I be upset? Well that's life, honey. Once you were on the top, everybody adored you. Now the wheel rolls and you are down at the bottom. You're upset, but it's okay to feel that way. Acknowledge the feeling, and stop being a bummer. You've gotta climb back.

I was furious earlier because people called me "attention seeker". But why should I be mad? I do love attention. What's wrong with that? and those people who name-called me don't even know me! wait a sec, do I even know them??? No! So, why should I care?

Words will definitely bring you down if only you allow it to.

I thank God for He's raised my confidence. I just need to make sure it's constant, which ofcourse, through His grace.

Now I feel bad to the person who started the whole thing. I shouldn't be so angry at him/her.

-Miss B-

What money can't buy...

I'm so addicted to a song entitled "Wedding Dress"sung by Derek Webb. Thanks to a friend who played this song with a guitar to us that day.

I love the melody. The sound of guitar plucking really blows my mind. The lyric is indirectly related to Hosea and Gomer (the unfaithful woman that God asked the prophet to marry to in the old testament). But I could relate it much to my Christian life. I don't know... it's just so deep and so me.

There's a lot of time in my life when I was led astray, became unfaithful... and worst, faithless...

I ran away from Him so many times, thinking that I could handle everything on my own. I relied much on my human strength instead of swallowing my pride to accept the fact that I couldn't do anything without His grace. The burden stayed there, and yet I foolishly thought I could lift it up with my own bare shoulder.

Here the lyric is,

Wedding Dress

If you could love me as a wife

and for my wedding gift, your life

Should that be all I'd ever need

or is there more I'm looking for

and should I read between the lines

and search for blessings in disguise

To make me handsome, rich, and wise

Is that really what you want

I am a whore I do confess

But I put you on just like a wedding dress

and I run down the aisle

and I run down the aisle

Im a prodigal with no way home

but I put you on just like a ring of gold

and I run down the aisle to you

So could you love this bastard child

Though I don't trust you to provide

With one hand in a pot of gold

and with the other in your side

I am so easily satisfied

by the call of lovers so less wild

That I would take a little cash

Over your very flesh and blood

Because money cannot buy

a husband's jealous eye

When you have knowingly deceived his wife

-Miss B-

The Journey

I remember a lady told me a fact about being a Christian not long ago.

She said, being a Christian doesn't mean you'll lead a good life. In fact, the moment you determine you want to live a christian life, the struggle begins because the enemy won't let you go to the Father.

I know that the path won't be easy. It's a long narrow road and challenging. I'll stumble and fall. But I have to rise again. And like the light at the end of the tunnel, He'll be the destination that I walk to.

I'm not active in church activity though I yearn to serve Him. But just like what Polar Bear told me few days ago, we would serve Him in our own way, from a small deed like feeding the duck in front of the house, to a bigger charity in the town. Just do any random act of kindness as much as possible, leave the rest to Him. You'll never know when He'd choose your offering for glory :)

-Miss B-

Mock a bird

I get excited very easily.

And then I wouldn't stop chattering as long as I feel to.

I might annoyed people around me when gibberish-ness run through my vein (no, it's not hereditary though) and without realizing it, my words hurt others.

Another thing that I would love to improve myself on is my 'transparency'. I tend to be soO honest, and give more than enough information about something (which people don't want/need to know). For example, instead of being a lady and politely excuse myself to the washroom, I'm more inclined to scream, "I wanna pee". It might not be appropriate for civilized citizens. I'm aware of that, but I just can't help it. I'm so sorry to anybody who happened to be my company and being embarrassed. I'll try not to do that next time.

I feel like Walter Cunningham Jr. in "To Kill a Mockingbird" by Harper Lee. If you're not familiar with the novel, Walter was a friend of Scout (the protagonist) and he came from a lower class of whites (the novel covers much on social hierarchy). Scout's family invited him for dinner one day and he 'flooded' his meal with syrup (this is considered inappropriate). Scout criticized his table manner, but then Calpurnia (the cook) cut in and told her not to mock his way...

Maybe that's one of the reasons why I hate being a grown-up. At least as a kid, you wouldn't have to bother much if you behave seemly for adults won't criticize you so bad...

It's in fact discouraging, but that's where resilience comes in.

Oh yeah talk about being tough, folks!

-Miss B-

To bits

I got this from my Health lecture this morning.

" He oranga ngakau, he pikinga waiora"

which in Maori means,

"Positive feeling in your heart will raise your sense of self-worth"

Beautiful, eh?

oh, I would love to take this opportunity to wish Polar Bear a happy birthday! A year older, and hopefully wiser :P

-Miss B-