Hello again you!

Hello again my dearest journal. How has life been treating you?

It's been a while since I uploaded my last post. Life has been a roller-coster experience, with a lot of emotional bumpy ride along the way. I wanted to write them all. So you'll know what person I've been and become since the last time you read me.

But first maybe I should tell you that I'm married! Of course with the one and only, Polar Bear. I used to think once, if I were to get married, I want my husband to be like him. Well, joke aside I'm indeed married to him now and I thank God for that. I've been falling in and out of love with him. There's been up and down, left and right, doubt and certain about our relationship. But I'm glad that we've made it this far. Cheers to our future together!

I'm still teaching at the same school and I guess I need a new environment already! I seriously hope that I will get my transfer this time and hopefully start my master soon. I envy my former coursemates, most of them are now doing their master despite of their busy schedule.
But I know God is working wonders with my life. Experience has taught me that what I wish to get isn't always the best for me. I have to have more faith in Him, and trust His plan because there is none better than what He's planned for me.

I want to ramble more about my life but I guess it won't be appropriate to retch everything into this one post, especially when it is a comeback story. I will find time to fill you in soon. Till then, take care.

Love,
-Miss B aka Mrs. Polar Bear-

Ramble of the heart

When I ran out of things to say,

I ran till my lung hurt.

Hoping that every breath that I took would heal the wound.

You wicked soul

How feeble could you be?

Tempted easily, your yearn for that forbidden fruit would lead you astray.

Focus. 

This phase too, shall pass.

Time flies till your memory fails you.

And everything will be dreamlike

And you laugh like an old grandma

Recalling her season in the sun.

Would you ache for your once-beauty too?

Would you wonder how life turns out if you choose the other path?

Temptation.

It's like a broken record. And I thought I've outgrown that part.

Silly you. You let narcissism camouflage your inner being.

Vain and purposeless.

Let's pray hard that this too shall pass,

before the damage can't be undone.

An Update

How do I feel after a week? Well I guess I've started to get a good grip over everything though things sometimes slip out of my control. Feel less frustrated, which is a good thing because I don't distress my family and Polar Bear constantly. Apparently, they've been quite anxious about me. Well I don't blame them because I'm worried about my sanity too.

To ease myself and make up for having a bad start, I plan to buy myself something sophisticated. However, I really need to check on my financial state as well as it also influences my mental health. Sigh, I would never be able to recover from this. I used to think that money-wise wouldn't bother me once I get a job. Well a big mistake there, Young B! You've got lots of things to learn.

And to those of you who have been making my life difficult at the moment, I hope for for roles-swapping! I hope one day you would learn what I've felt so you won't do another soul a damage. *sobs*

I forgive you. A bit. Sigh.

Dear Lord, if this travail leads to You, so be it.

-Miss B-

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger!

(A)
Sometimes I'm afraid people misinterpret my self-deprecating jokes/statements for humble-brag. Polar Bear told me once that I should try act cool - by that he means to speak less - as I tend to speak excessively without realizing that I put others off. How awful!

(B)
My mentor - someone who is sent by the government to supervise and guide me in teaching (how lucky! *smirk*) describes me as frantic. I got panicked easily. I didn't know where I got that from but this trait has seemed to emerge since my early teenage years. If you're to come over to my school, you'll recognize me easily by just looking out for a female teacher with frowns on the forehead, walking fast with lots of files in both hands/ or sitting at her place with a pen and might be in a deep thought. I just can't help it. I'm always worried that I'll forget something so I just carry everything in my arms. I walk fast because I want to save more time. And because of this my colleague used to make fun of me. "There goes the busiest person in the world". I smile whenever they make that remark about me although I'm boiling inside. I feel like shouting at them."Hey, this is just me! For you, I'm probably that someone who makes small things appear big. But for me, I'm doing a great deal!"I can't help the way I walk or the way I get panicked when problems occur. I DO want to get help. I want to meet professionals who would help me to be better and calm down. But where would I find such help in this remote place??

(C)
My new resolution for this year is to be more passionate in whatever I'm doing, especially in my career. I want to be sincere in doing my work, give my very best, and most importantly help my pupils. So I've been suggesting few matters to the administrators in which I think would help in increasing the school performance. Little did I know some people would have considered my intention to be you-think-you're-so-clever act! And so they went (as so I thought) "You think you're smarter than anyone else, let's grant you piles of workloads and see if you can handle them well!"

A + B + C + Loneliness = how frustrated I am at the moment.

I yearn for companies though I don't feel like talking.

I can't wait to get out of this place. Though some of the people are diamonds, whom I call 'friends'.

Give me strength, dear Lord.

-MissB-