Good tidings to you, wherever you are..

I know I have abandoned this page for so long. I wish I could write my heart out every time I feel like to but I don't have the Internet connection half the time. I hope you're all well. Merry Christmas and happy new year!

But right now I think I'm emotionally unstable. I have great people around me, yet I feel alone. Gosh, I hate it when I'm overwhelmed with negative emotion especially when I should be joyful and merry for this festive season.

It's just another Monday blues, I guess. I hope I'll be in a good spirit on the morrow.

Be merry, folks! Don't let my mood infect you. Have a jolly celebration!

-Miss B-

R.A.N.T (again???)

Helllllooooo!!! I know, I've been chipsmore again... "Now you see me, now you don't!" Last month was crazy. My parents complaint on my rarity of calling home, and so did Polar Bear! I tried my best to make time for everyone, but I hardly had time even for myself. My 24 hours were spent on campus programme, and I was compelled to join! Not to mention the meet-up with everyone before I left the city.. But that was last month. Now I'm back to my beloved hometown. It was definitely good to be back. But at the same time, I miss my coursemates. We've been together for 5++ years and the thoughts of not seeing each other everyday kinda saddening.
Thank you for the memories, friends. And thank you for growing up with me. I've definitely learned a lot from all of you...
***

It's time to move on. Let's talk about something jovial. There'll be a wedding in the family this coming Saturday! Nope, not mine (you can breathe out now :-P), it's my aunt's! I'm so excited for her. She told me wedding is such a big thing to handle, and I could really sense her bridzilla syndrome! But I think she handle it well, plus she has the entire family beside her. My parents have been busy to help with the canopy, invitation, etc.. And she also has me who's been excited for her!! eeeeekkkkk!! XD
***

Ookkkaaayyy, it's time to calm down. Excuse the frantic way of writing, the spelling error (if any), I'm blogging from my android! It's my first time doing this (so ancient, eh?), and I think it's a good attempt to stay connected so I won't leave this page unattended for a long period again..

I think that's all so far. Till later!!

-MissB- (grrr, somebody please tell me how to italic-ize the fonts!)

...

I wanted you so much. and still I do till this very moment. Four years of struggle didn't suffice. Maybe my effort wasn't good enough to make me worthy for you. I'm shattered, utterly broken. A little bit more. You were so closed, yet too far. And yet.

I hope there's still hope for me.

Right now, I need time to heal. To rejuvenate. Recuperate. This wound is unbearable. But no, I won't give up. I would pursue you till you're mine.

But I would also learn to be contented with whatever I am now. It was a good game and I enjoyed the race. I would definitely come back to the field again. I would run again, chasing after you.. and breathe in the air of victory. I would.

God grant me the serenity 

to accept the things I cannot change; 

courage to change the things I can;

and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time; 

Enjoying one moment at a time; 

Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace; 

Taking, as He did, this sinful world

as it is, not as I would have it; 

Trusting that He will make all things right

if I surrender to His Will;

That I may be reasonably happy in this life 

and supremely happy with Him

Forever in the next.

Amen.

-- Reinhold Niebuhr

Snippet

Last night I dreamt that I became a schizophrenic as I started seeing people that others couldn't see. No, they were not ghosts, they were imaginary friends of mine and I even sang with them for a show. Being someone who has an issue with stage fright, I sang with them standing around me, giving me moral supports that everything would be alright. Weirdly enough, I knew they were just imaginary and I wasn't scared of them nor myself for seeing things that did not exist. Or maybe they do exist, at least in my imagination in the dream. I awoke to Polar Bear's call soon after that. Although I was curious with what was going to happen next, I somehow felt relieved for being woken up from the peculiar dream. 

***

Yesterday I suddenly missed being a stranger in a foreign land. Browsing through Polar Bear's album on our previous vacations triggered an intense desire to go back to those places. I wanted to be there, breathing the air and smiling to both globetrotters and locals that I'd meet along the way. It would be long until Polar Bear and I have such opportunity again. Till later, foreign land. I would venture you again soon in the future :)

***

I don't know that laziness would cost me much! I sent my clothes to a laundry nearby recently and was almost choked the moment I heard the fee that I needed to pay. Fortunately, I had some cash in hand after converting my dollars to the local currency. *breathe in*breathe out* It's okay, I learned a valuable lesson out of the incident. Do it yourself, B! Otherwise you need to spend a fortune on laundry (when you can use that fortune to buy ice creams and chocolates next door!) 

***

I have a 1500 words reflection due this Monday and I haven't started anything. Sigh, I better start soon or else I'm going to attend the lecture on that day with panda eyes. And Polar Bear's complaint on my current panda eyes would worsen. Haish... price for beauty... 

***

Till later. XOXO (what does that mean???)

-MissB-

My nerdy post

Seeing others in their graduation robes makes me jealous. I want mine so bad. It has been a dream for years to have my photo taken in regalia in front of the university clock tower.

Haish, I may need to wait for my post-grad to have such opportunity! I've been thinking hard lately about my direction after I finish my degree, and my heart fervently suggests pursuing my study in post-grad programme.

I miss working on a project and can't wait to have a real one! Before this, I was only involved in small-scale research projects. I had been through difficult time but it was definitely rewarding. It would be good if I can participate in a project that combines both cognitive and intuitive skills. I'm yet to find out if such field exists. So far, I'm strongly drawn to Southeast Asia study, but at the same time I'm also considering Education - maybe more to Inclusive Education.

Besides, I need to discuss with Polar Bear if he's interested in pursuing his. Wouldn't it be nice if the two of us wear our regalia and have our photo taken during the graduation ceremony?
Yes. I don't want to graduate alone, so you've got to come with me. Yes, it's imperative, no negotiation. You do as bid :P

-Miss B-

it's funny how things make you the person you aren't and how you feel bad about it afterward. misunderstanding often happens out of this and somehow makes you the antagonist of the whole story. I'm so sorry if I've ever hurt you.

sorry.

-missb-

Abba's love letter to me this morning:

Phillippians 4:13
Romans12:2, 8

So, I pray...

I can do everything through You who's strengthened me. Please transform me inwardly by complete change of my mind. Then only I would be able to do what is good and pleasing to You. Let me spread kindness to everyone and make my heart sincere. May I be cheerful and generous in spreading Your love.

***

In two days I'll be a year older. I don't feel much different, it's just that I think I need to start having a clearer goal in my life and a list of strategies in achieving it. I also think that I need to be more organised and be more diligent, especially in term of cleaning up my room =(

-Miss B-

The frustrated post

I'm a frustrated person. I'm so frustrated that I get frustrated because of trivial stuffs. I hate being so frustrated but I just couldn't help it half the time. I wish I would be more jovial and enjoy life as it is. To be more content with what I am and have now. But no, I'm a dreamer. I have lots of dreams, and I get frustrated when my dreams don't come true. Dreams that I've worked so hard for but don't turn out well. I hate it when it happens.

When I'm frustrated, I'm not a fun person to be with. People get frustrated too seeing how frustrated I am.

Maybe I shouldn't write something on my blog when I'm frustrated. You may get frustrated too. Are you, now?

***

Maybe I won't be too frustrated if Polar Bear is here. He could cook something nice, and we could watch a movie after that -- although I would be sleeping throughout the movie. Or we could spend time together by me reading e-books through his phone, and he on online manga. Or we could argue about things (like females and feminism) and not talking, where he ends up saying sorry and cook something nice to make it up for me -- although he is not entirely at fault. That's how we normally spend our quality time together. And no matter how frustrated I am, he would always be there and try to make things okay.

No, I'm not frustrated anymore :)

-Miss B-

Dancing with Mr. Darcy

I don't need to put my writer hat on. The feeling is ineffable. This picture says it all.

Miss B's Mr. Darcy that is handsome enough to tempt her :) 

I don't intend to blabber telling the whole world how much I miss you like an immature school girl. But I suddenly grow tired of Skype and it wouldn't be long until seeing you on the screen alone won't quench the feeling. I miss mussing your hair and listening to your gripe how unpresentable you look afterward. 

Good luck for tomorrow! 

-Miss B-

time out is up!

Hello again, it's been long since my last 'hello'.. Sorry for the long hiatus. For the last three months I was bogged down with lesson planning and other things pertaining to being a teacher. It was definitely a long hectic period, like a pricking cacophony of stress and works.
I didn't immerse myself in thoughts and let words say them all for so long, yes, I miss it being here. I miss being the ranting Miss B, who could complain about every single thing that happens in life.
So yeah, if you're still interested in finding out what I've been up to since few months ago, I would try to fill you in in this very entry.

First, I wouldn't attend my own graduation which hurt me so bad after 5 years and half of hassle and hard works. Blame it on the fact that I'm penniless. In fact, now I live on my parents' goodwill. Almost every cent that I'm spending now belong to them. To depend on scholarship alone won't suffice. Especially now when photocopying and printing are so synonym to my life as a student teacher on practicum.

Second, my supervisor told me that I've improved my classroom management, yay to that! I tell you, it wasn't easy to 'find' myself as a teacher. Conflicts arose because of the divergence of my personal thoughts of teaching and the real situation. They didn't fit perfectly, and thus I have to alter and modify my teaching philosophy here and there in order to meet the demand of the classroom. Mind you, I become more fierce lately. No more the meek Miss B, who pupils can laugh at behind my back. Well, I don't want to be a monster but what could I do, situation make me to. :(

Third, the semester is moving towards the end and soon I would part with my darling coursemates for almost 6 years! I'm so gonna miss them for good and bad time that we've been through together. I hope I wouldn't lose contact with them. In fact, I've started missing them already!

Fourth, I attended a talk on goal setting recently and I would consider it as a good start for me to take adulthood more seriously. Yes, all this while I've never considered myself as a grown-up because I don't feel like one. I feel like a small child but I'm not Peter Pan. I don't live in Neverland. I grow biologically and soon or later I'll be counting grey hair on my head and think about how to hide visible wrinkles on my face. I have to grow up despite the fact that I feel so young at heart T_T. I've written some of my adulthood goals in my journal and now I'm thinking on how to accomplish them. I pray that my goals are in accordance with His will.

Fifth, I'm closer to my pupils and start to feel more comfortable around them. They are adorable but some of them come from broken families, which is quite sad because they have so much potential to offer. If only I could, I would love to adopt some of them. They deserve the best and no lesser than the rest.

Sixth, though after practicum phase I wouldn't need to think about lesson planning, my schedule for post-practicum is actually quite packed. I have two dinners to attend in one month, and sadly my financial lack denies me from getting pretty dresses and accessories! I couldn't help pitying myself, these two are the final dinners for us as final year students. I deserve to look presentable like Cinderella and Snow White (okay, that's a bit exaggerating)! But you know what I mean! This situation forced me to call my parents, begging for their mercy to send me some 'emergency' fund with the promise of paying them back once I get a job. It's a sad, so sad, very, sad situation!

Seventh, I miss Polar Bear everyday even if he sulked almost everyday because I didn't get to call/ pick up his call/spend more time with him due to workloads and busy-ness as a socialite student with a social life. Blame it on the workload, dear. And my phone credit that is always depleting. I can't wait to see your serious face again (especially when you're driving)! And also when you buy me lunch and ice-creams and doughnut and white coffee and etc etc etc... :P

I think that's all so far. Regret it? Because Miss B is back and you're going to read her rant and babble again! Till later (which is very soon, I suppose), folks! Take care and be good!

Ps, when you are down and feel like good for nothing, breathe and meditate on this...

"I'm fearfully and wonderfully made"

Yes, God has made you so wonderful and you're more than a living creature in this planet. You're a vessel for Him to channel His glory!

"...wonderful are Your works, and my soul knows it full well" (Ps 139: 14)

-Miss B-

The story of my dependency

Empty nest. How many parents dread to think about being left alone eventually? Not totally being abandoned – just the fact that your children wouldn’t be there everyday. Where most of the time, you eat your breakfast, lunch, dinner, or even supper on your own. Your children may ring you everyday, but they are just not there. Surely, life would be quiet, wouldn’t it?

All of this while, I’ve been feeling bad for still being an undergraduate student when most of my schoolmates have already started working. They have their own money, car, house, property, and I have none. I still depend much on my parents for financial support and normally call home when I’m running out of money… Sad but true!

But I got some sort of ‘revelations’ few days ago about my dependency on my parents. I don't know why but I view my reliance on them as some kind of bonding. You know, like parents and daughter (of course we are!)

Parents ask daughter if she needs money, she says yes. They send money to her. She uses the money to pay for her airfare to go home. Parents and siblings wait for her in the airport, bring her out for lunch and dinner. At home, she is pampered. The moment she wakes up, breakfast is ready. She chats with her mother while watching the tv, cooks for her father to eat during his lunch break, plays with her brothers and sisters. She goes out for a date, but comes back in the evening to have dinner with her family. They attend the mass together on Sunday. When the school break ends, everyone sends her to the airport. Hugs and kisses, then wave good bye. She already misses them even before boarding the plan, and can't wait for the next school break. She is indeed emotionally dependent towards her family...

But what happens when I start working? Would I ever have that kind of relationship again? I mean, of course we will always be a family. But... I'll be an adult by then. I'll make my own money and won't ask from my parents anymore because I'll be a working adult. Wow.. A working adult... To ask for money from your parents when you're working will cut your pride... This may not apply to everyone but as what I've seen through my own eyes, this motion does apply in the society around me. 

And I will have other responsibility... I may not be able to go back during school breaks because I won't be a student anymore. School breaks are for students, not for a working adult. Besides, I'll be the one who give them money (I know you'll give me the "so-Asian'' look, but hey, that happens here. Children take over the parents' role of funding the family once they make their own money). So my parents won't give me money to pay for my airfare anymore, and I may not be able to come home every time due to schedule and financial problem (let's hope this won't happen). In fact, I'll be busy making my own life... becoming a real adult. Like a puppy who has become a dog. Scary eh?

And it's yet to come.

-Miss B-

The BIG F word

If you've been reading me since the beginning, you'll surely know how much I've been drawn to aloofness. Don't get me wrong, I have wonderful people around me, but reflecting on how things have gone these past few years makes me realize that there's something that is missing in my life... something that is so special that I'm sure most people have and treasure a lot... something that is called 'friendship'.

When I was in my younger years, I always heard phrases like 'friendship forever', 'forever friends', 'friendship never dies' and so much more. Here and there I saw youngsters used those term to describe their relationship with their friends until one point it became cliche. They might have really meant it at first but as time went by, the meaning left the words. As they grew up, they grew apart from each other without even realize it. 

It's just sad to think about how closed you were to a person once only to look at them one day as just somebody that you used to know. They've grown apart from you, and the distance grows wider day after day.

As for me, I think I had best friends in every phase of my life. I had a playmate when I was a toddler. I had several bosom friends who were always with me when I was in primary school. I had some confidants when I was in secondary school although the number decreased as my senior years approaching. I had some people who I called 'chums' when I was in my previous college. But just now when I browsed through my Facebook page, it suddenly dawned on me... something like 'hey, I used to be closed to this person... when did we start to grow apart from each other?'

It could be my own fault... Maybe I didn't make enough attempt to stay in touch... maybe I let the distance grow wider and let time carries us away from one another. It's so sad to think that every time I go back to my hometown, I don't have anyone to meet up with. It's as though I have never had any real friends. Maybe after all, I'm just the friendless nerd whose aloofness is her best attribute... 

Although I'm proud to say that I have best friends around me now (those I've known since I entered the teaching college), those thoughts actually lead to another question... Am I going to lose my friends that I have now? Are they going to be the next 'somebody that I used to know'? I couldn't help feeling sad over such thoughts... But no matter what, I hope that I will always be closed to them.

I rarely mention about them in my blog but it doesn't mean that I don't appreciate or approve their existence in my life. Most of the time my posts are depressing and I don't want to associate my friends with anything that is related to my sombre mood. They deserve the best. However, since I'm dedicating this blog to my children, I think they have the right to know about the wonderful people around me who actually make me the way I am now...

I don't know if you all would read this but sincerely from my heart, thank you so much for being a part of my story. I thank God for sending you all to my way because you've taught me a lot of things about life. There were times when situation got the best of me and thus I'm so sorry if I've ever hurt you. You're the awesome bunch in my life and I love you all! :)

-Miss B-

Another rant.

Hello it's been so long since I last wrote something up here. How are you? I hope life's been treating you well. Sorry for the long hiatus. I've been busy lately and my life's gone up and down. So many times I tried to scribble something but words often failed me. I couldn't express myself well so I kept everything to myself.

I've learned quite a lot from my practicum phase. I love my children, but at the same time I'm afraid I teach them the wrong things. One student came to me the other day and asked me the meaning of 'logging'. I mistook the word for being similar to clogging (I think) and thus told the poor fellow that logging is some kind of blocking. Screw me, I felt really bad about it! This experience really taught me to check every material that I'm giving to my students beforehand. Make sure you know your things!

I'm pessimist (as usual). I have no confidence in myself that I would ever get good comments from my supervisor. I don't think she would ever like the way I handle things in class. I'm super weak and I feel so helpless about it. Thinking about how weak I am makes me restless. I feel like running and shouting and wailing like a mad woman. Ok, enough about self-deprecating story. I know I've insulted myself to the max. Let's talk something that would calm me down, and actually restore my vibe.

No matter what happen after this, I'll strive to do the best for my children regardless the thoughts that I would make my supervisor scream at me. I will do things that my children would enjoy and learn something. Anything for my children. Hopefully in the end, my supervisor will be able to see my sincerity and grand me a 'pass'. Yes, I just need to pass this practicum.

-Miss B-

Feeling hopeless

I woke up feeling like a total looser. I dread going to school. My pupils would finally know that I'm not competent enough. I don't want to go back. Help.

wait.

If you read my previous post, you must be wondering how my driving test was. Well, I wouldn't say it went well or bad because the fact is, I didn't get to sit for it. Boohoo!

My instructor told me that there was some mistakes and apparently the office miss out my name. Of course, I'm super upset about it. I mean, how could that even be possible? I told him how important it was for me to sit for the test this week as the week after I'm going to be even busier than usual. Sigh.

But I've got to control my disappointment. Well B, there's a reason for everything. I might not be ready yet, so I have to wait.

Everything is possible when the time comes. Have faith. 

-Miss B-

Feeling a lot jumpy!

I'm nervous. Extremely. Why? First, practicum. I get cold feet whenever I think about teaching. I would say the class that was given to me is quite challenging. I went in to observe the teacher once. They behaved quite well throughout the lesson but that because the teacher who was in charge did a tremendous job. She was strict and firm, the kind of teacher that you wouldn't want to mess up with. But at the same time, the children love her. They took part during the lesson activity, and they listened to her. She made it look so easy, almost effortlessly. Yet I know that if I were the one who's in charge, I wouldn't be the one who's in control. I need to do something with the way I carry myself: not to be too friendly, not to smile too much, and not to show how nervous I am in front of my students. I need to stand tall and confident. They said with experience, things would get better. As a novice teacher, I have to learn some new tricks to make everything works, and also to be able to pull through when things get out of hand.

Another reason why I'm nervous is because tomorrow is the day that would determine if I could drive legally on road or not. Yes, a driving test. I'm rather pessimistic though. I don't hold out much hope in passing, because I know how difficult it was for me based on my previous experience. Still, I'm nervous. So yeah, hopefully I wouldn't put anyone's life at stake and that I come back as a whole without missing limb or serious cuts!

Wish me the best.

-Miss B-

Point to ponder upon

Sometimes being a chatter can put you in a hot boiling soup. You kept on prattling without realizing that you may have offended your listener. At the end, when you reflect on things that happening that day, you go like "shoot, I think I did say something wrong". And to regret it would bring you no way because you can undo the talking, or unsay the words. Better slip with foot than with tongue.

I could be a real chatter. I could babble and say things foolishly without really thinking about it. Sigh, learn to listen more, B!

-Miss B-

Practicum!

I could write 1000 reasons why I love being a teacher, but at the same time I could also list down 1000 reasons I question myself if this is the right profession for me. I love the teaching part without having to think of how to control the class. I tell you what, I suck big time in classroom management. My mind became blank when I saw students went crazy, chaotic, and out of control. I found myself catching my breath when students started shouting and calling out during the class. And by the end of the day, I felt like a failure. That was not the feeling that I would love to come home with! 

On my second day of practicum I thought about quitting. I questioned myself if I was really meant to do  teaching. My friends told me that I'm a great teacher. But I couldn't help feeling hopeless when I went out of one of the classes that I sat in for that day. It was a total mess, so hectic. I was discouraged and to a certain extent, I felt like banging my head against the wall. But I learned a lesson. Never come into a class unprepared, especially when you're a novice. Now I understand why my lecturers emphasize greatly on lesson plans. Lesson plans at least would prepare you mentally, and alert your mind that you're to become a teacher. While writing your lesson plan, you actually can visualize how the class would be during the activities, and might be rehearse what to say (I found this important as well as I tend to stutter and my grammar goes all out of the place when I'm panic or nervous!) 

Another interesting experience was when I dealt with Year 1 pupils. They are so adorable, and can be a real joker sometimes. But it's not all pretty or cute story when they fight with each other and cry! Strangely enough, kids fighting can be quite contagious. While my friend and I tried to calm down two pupils who were crying and fighting, another pair was actually brawling at the back. That was a real nightmare!

But that was the ugly side of the experience. I got my reward watching them engrossed in their drawing activity afterward. There was this one little boy who was disruptive at first. He shouted and contributed to the chaos in the class. But when I asked him to draw anything that he wanted to (with a little bit of push and persuasion, of course), he came up with this beautiful sketching of him and his dad walking in the park. I was deeply moved and I learned not to judge a child through his or her disruptive behaviour. He/she can be a real darling, and yes, has a lot of potential to offer.

I'll have more stories about practicum coming up after this. Hopefully they not all frightening or frustrating! Wish me luck!

-Miss B-

another rant before the big P

Despite the frustration and hardship that I had endure while I was there, I couldn't deny that I miss my time in Otepoti, Aotearoa. I miss walking to class during the cold winter months, when I could literally feel the chill crept into my bones. I almost thought that I was frozen once due to the temperature hitting negative degree celsius. I miss how much I anticipated the rays during autumn afternoons, when I would flaunt my uneven toned legs in shorts and jandals. Strangely enough, I even miss my sleepless night in my little bedroom when I had to work on assignments that due the next day. In short, I miss my student life there.  

In three days I'll be entering a new phase in my life - being on practicum. It'll be quite different this time. For the first time I would be entrusted to handle a class, teach the pupils for about 3 months, and yes, I would be assessed on how well I'm being a teacher. Everything that I've learned for the last 5 years would come into practice, a real hands-on experience. I don't know how I would cope, I reckon I would break down on the first day itself should my associate teacher ask me to go into the classroom. I really wish that I wouldn't smile much, or being over friendly toward the pupils. I have to establish the sense of authority first. But I have no clue if I'll do a good job. I tend to fidget a lot and smile excessively when I'm nervous because I thought it would mask my anxiety well. But no, I could actually risk myself getting bullied by the pupils!

Yes, I'm worried about my practicum. How I wish that I'm just in my second year, being the girl who has just arrived in Otepoti. 

Wish me luck.

-Miss B-

I have rainbows in my heart. :P

Well, my mister asked me if he resembles a bear, and I told him he does. Like panda.

He didn't like it.

Panda is cute, and cuteness tarnishes his manliness, he said.
Haha, so you better stick being a Polar Bear, I said.
Does polar bear frighten people? He asked me back. I nodded. He grinned. Well, Polar Bear is not too bad.


Silly questions, but they brightened my day. And hopefully Polar Bear wouldn't complain about my blog being too depressing anymore after this. I have rainbows in my heart, I can colour your life with lots of hues!

Practicum will start soon. I'm nervous, but I'm looking forward to it! Wish me luck, folks! Hopefully, there'll be more happy post from me, telling how wonderful my practicum is *cross fingers*

-Miss B-

Hello again :)

Hello, I'm not a stranger. I own this blog, just in case if you've forgotten me. I know, it's been a long hiatus. Been busy with assignments, exam, and holiday. A lot of things happened as well. If I were to write every detail, I don't think the whole page is enough for me to scribble them all.

Let start again.

Hello. Thanks for visiting. Deliberately or by accident, the same greetings you'll receive. I bet my lone reader has long forgotten this site, as well. He's been busy. And I don't expect him waiting for a new entry from me every second. Well, hello to him as well. And I wish he's having wonderful time at home.

I met him yesterday, before I headed to the airport for a new semester at college. We'd had breakfast together, and it was good to see his smiling face and listen to his chatter while we were finishing our portion of the best noodle in town. But he turned murky towards the end. And I could tell he was trying to act manly, denying the urge to go in tears while I bid him goodbye afterward. Fare thee well, beloved. I'll see you in person in few months. Surely, I'll see him everyday during our Skype session. But the feeling is different. He's not there for me to pinch. And I can only see his chubby cheek on the screen.

It's a new semester and the last one for my degree final year. I can't afford to be melancholic the whole time. Gotta be strong, B! Wave aside your homesickness!

Till later, be good :)

-Miss B-

Again and again

I was hoping that when I'm writing again on this page, I would be in free spirit and good temper. But that was not the case now. I'm overwhelmed with frustration and feeling helpless.

I don't intend to make this blog a place for me to pour down all my negative emotions. I don't want my readers feel depressed. But how could I come up with something enlightening when I'm not in the mood?

Sigh, it's not your fault, child. Mommy is upset right now. And I hope that I could come up with more happy posts so that when you're reading this, you wouldn't think of me as a person with a bad temper who is emotionally unstable. I have years to go before that happens, even before you would be born. So I think I should start practicing now. No, I wouldn't want to repress my emotions because to do so is like denying something that is a part of me; something that contributes to the person I am now. But at least, you would know that I'm more than a sad person who's wailing in her blog!

Do you want to know the source of the frustration?

Well it was pretty trivial actually. Not of something that would affect the world like global warming or etc. I'm even ashamed for being frustrated over this matter. But child, frustration is often resulted of expectation that is not met, or desire that is not fulfilled. And right now I'm frustrated because things go not according to what I've expected. 

When I signed up for driving class few months back, I was expecting my tutor to be someone who would be better than my previous instructor. Who would be more patient in teaching a beginner like me. Voila, I met one and I'm satisfied with the way he tutored me. He never got angry (well, I don't know what he actually felt in heart) even if I changed the gear without pressing the clutch pedal; or when I released the clutch pedal before holding down the throttle - much to my horror when the engine went off in front of the green traffic light. No, he has never got mad. Doesn't he deserve a round of applause? Clap clap, everyone.

There's just one thing about him that irks me so much. He's good at giving empty promise. For the last couple of months, I've been living in uncertainty. He said he would come at 7.30 in the morning, but then messaged me an hour later saying that he could not make it, and arranged a new time later in the afternoon. Sometimes he really made it, but most of the time I ended up canceling all my activities for the day for nothing - he never came.  And this fellow is smart. He would never say 'no' to any time that I've suggested. He said 'yes' most of the time, even to my pleading of getting my license by the end of the month. Well, of course I could go for a driving test any time sooner, now that my 'Learner' license is due to qualify me for the test. But, the problem is I've just been to a few one-hour sessions, which was normally up to 45 minutes the most. And today, I've been spending my whole day waiting for him (because he's promised to) but he never turned up! I'll be heading home for school break next week and won't be back until next month. And my plan to get my license by the end of this month has gone down the drain... 

Can I roar now? I feel like ripping a paper to pieces, then swallow every piece before throwing them up for the Decepticons to eat. Gross much?? Well it doesn't equate the frustration that I have to swallow right now.

*breath in*breath out*

Frustration is rooted from a desire that is unfulfilled. Learn to accept that sometimes thing does not go according to what we've planned. It's like tossing a coin, you bet for the head but you get the tail instead, and now you have to learn to live with the tail for some time until the next tossing. So right now, I try to calm down myself because there's nothing I could do about the situation.

-Miss B-

The topic starts with the letter 'B'.

I'm so bored. Like seriously. So bored that I could write each letter of the word 'BORING' on a piece of paper and even decorate it! ...but I'm so lazy to do so at the moment.

I've been watching some movies. But before those movies even reached the climax, I could feel my eyes becoming heavier. When I decided to stop, sleepiness left me and boredom stroke me again. Then I resorted to books, tried to immerse myself in every page but of no avail. I only found it interesting for the first three pages before boredom courted me again. Urgh!

So, here I am now. Seeking comfort through blogging. Hoping that by writing, I would be able to lessen the unbearable ennui, which comes frequently these past few days. I know I should have been studying for my examination, but I don't feel the urge yet. I'm a lazy person who's so bored. Help!

***

I wish my sometimes-eloquent self would take over. I miss writing so expressively without struggling for words. Yes, not that I want to boast, but I do have such moment when I suddenly feel possessed (in a good way) and overwhelmed with emotion; as though seeing me as a different person, I watch the 'other me' typing effortlessly on the screen -- with the exact words that describe everything vividly!

How I wish that I never experience the moment when words fail me!

***

Is there any more issue that I want to talk about in this post?
I don't know.
Maybe I should just go sleep.
I have a class tomorrow, in which I'm so lazy to go (wow, it actually rhymes!).

Till later folks. Hopefully I'm not that bored that time. -___-

-bored Miss B-

Being a huge green monster

Last night, I went to the cinema to watch The Avenger with my flatmates. Polar Bear had watched the movie earlier yesterday, so when he told me it would run 2 and half hours, I started to worry. I'm not a big fan of Marvel's superheroes, and I'm only familiar with Thor as compared to the rest (thank to Polar Bear who dragged me to the movie last year). Before stepping in to the cinema, I was like... Oh gosh, I would probably fall asleep half way!

But it turned out awesome. The superheroes were humourous! I actually enjoyed laughing most of the time, although I was quite disappointed with Thor because he didn't do much in closing the portal (to stop Loki's army from coming in to the planet) as compared to Ironman (he won my heart when he sacrificed himself toward the end!).

I was quite fascinated with The Hulk as well. I've just found out that he would turn into that green monster when he's angry. Well, that's a new information for myself.

Talking about anger, I think I could be The Hulk right now. There were a lot of things happened, and they were not according to what I've expected them to be. I'm actually mad at myself. Mad, for being so helpless. For being in a situation that I was forced to. Mad, for the responsibility that was pushed toward me when I thought I had already washed my hand of it. I was utterly frustrated

But learning from *Dr. Dan Gottlieb's 'Letters to Sam', I calmed myself down at these sentences:

The root of frustration is desire... the big question is... how do we deal with the frustration we feel when our desires are not satisfied? When frustration is unchecked, it turns to rage, and rage trigger actions (p 69-70).

Yes, I agree with him when he told about how hitting the wall is not a bad thing. Yes, he's definitely right about "the wall is there to teach us a lesson" (p 70).

So I think, it's time for me to reflect on the events that made me angry. To ponder upon the lesson that I have learned from the problem. To stop blaming myself or others that had caused me this misery - including my laptop, for shutting down suddenly after the battery went flat.

To Polar Bear, I'm sorry for losing my temper. It's so uncool of me. I love you, and thank you for being there and listening to my tantrums although it has nothing to do with you.

-repentant Miss B-


*Gottlieb, D. (2006). Letters to Sam: A grandfather's lessons on love, loss, and the gifts of life. New York: Sterling.

Talking about writing

My life has been a bliss lately with all assignments submitted, and waking up in the morning everyday without worrying about class and so much more.

How are you doing folks? Have you been good since I last wrote to you? :P

Well I wish you well. I know I've left this page unattended for quite a while. It's just that idea doesn't hit me hard enough (same old excuse, I know). And even now, it still hasn't hit me, but I've come up here owing to the fact that I miss scribbling something, although it's just a total gibberish. Sigh, I know now Shakespeare's pain when he was hit by writer's block (if you watch Shakespeare In Love by John Madden, you'll know what I'm talking about). It could be an ugly situation, you have a deadline to meet, say tomorrow, and yet you have written nothing even on your drafting paper!

As a teacher, I know that a writing task must have a purpose and an audience. It's important for learners to know about these two so that they would be able to decide what form and style of their writings that meet those purpose and audience. But sometimes, for adults, knowing these two doesn't help much. We still end up struggling, and by the end of the day, we would write anything (even if it makes no sense at all) just to achieve the expected word count. 

I just hope that this situation won't happen to me during exam tine. :S

- Miss B-

  

Bona Fide Miss B

I finished writing my report yesterday, and now I'm working on the last assignment for this semester - another 2000 words reflection! Sigh, I can't wait for Monday, when I would submit everything and declare myself free - well, at least for about two weeks before I sit for the only exam for this year.

Next semester I'll be going for practicum and I'm already nervous whenever I'm thinking about it. I try my best to build up my confidence, and prepare myself mentally by reading books about English teaching and learning (for those who don't know yet - yes, I'm that nerd). I try my best to link any classroom practice to what I've read. And yes, I've scrutinized the curriculum documents as well. It's important for me to know what type of product the country wants me to produce. So yeah, I've started to embrace the fact that I'm to be a teacher!

Seeing my friends graduate made me envious. I want my degree certificate so bad. I know that most people told me that working phase is not all pretty story - with paper works to write and more responsibilities on shoulder, but I'm just indifferent to it. I just can't wait to graduate and start a new life. Maybe I long for a sense of accomplishment - and that degree certificate is the only thing that would quench my thirst. I want to get a job and buy a washing machine (lame, I know). I want to work, buy a car, rent a house, and do things that I would never be able to do before due to financial constraint. And eventually, when I've saved up some money (God willing) I'll think about settling down with Polar Bear. You see, I have everything planned already. But first, I need to face my demon - insecurity and lack of confidence. I'm constantly trying to boost up my confidence and learn things that I believe would help me with it.

Apparently reading "Letter to Sam" by Daniel Gottlieb has urged me to think more about life. Now I really need to get back to my work.

Till then, be good everyone! Ciao!

-Miss B-

This morning, I was young.

I was taught to be critical, to look beyond fancy cover, and read message between the lines when I was in Gender Studies class last year. It was fun, I've come up with conclusion that I definitely love thinking. Hah, how funny (and weird) is that?? 

I don't think I'm critical enough. Sometimes, I'm much swayed by people's bias and notions. But still, I'm trying to stick to my ground, something that I've established with my values and and what I believe about life. Well, it was not easy though. There's time when situation makes me disobey those rules. And I hate it. I feel like living a pretentious life, and it was so not me. So unoriginal. 

Cut it. I think I'm rambling again. I don't mean to review life up to that point.

***

So I woke up early this morning. Yay! After having my simple breakfast - muffin and coffee (I was bliss-out!), I flipped through the magazine that I bought three days ago. I used to love reading it as a teenager, but I haven't read it for quite long already. 

I don't mean to be mushy or sentimental this morning, but the feeling when I first turned the cover was indescribable. I feel like a teenager all over again -- lying on my front with legs up from the back while flicking through the pages, answering quizzes... All brought me back to those days when I, an eager teenager, was excited to know about life, crazy over pop stars (quickly checking if any of those guys in school resembled one)... Sigh, how time flies~~

Now, I wonder how this feeling of being sentimental can help me through the agony of writing a 3000 report, which dues tomorrow. :S

-Miss B-

Caught in between.

I had a long day today. Huff and puff, it was so exhausting! and now that I'm a sick tired person, I become quite cranky. Strange and weird too. All negative emotions cumulate, and I become a pathetic angry being. I feel so small and inferior.

So when I heard about others who are of the same age as me are now having their own careers, I get so envious. I know I sound so ungrateful now, but I just couldn't help it. They are now thinking to continue their second third degree, even some are now studying for PhD and I'm still stuck with my degree. I feel so unaccomplished.

I'm an ambitious person. There are a lot of things in this life that I want to achieve. But I'm such a slow low achiever.

Grrrr, B self-deprecating won't bring you anywhere! Wake up!

Somebody please slap this negative being of me.

Maybe I need to take my shower first. A long, pampering one.

-Miss B-

Been there, (not sure if) done that

My sister loves this song so much that I can't even change the channel when this song is played on the television. So, one day I decided to listen to this song better and it's definitely a wonderful song with beautiful lyric.



Waiting Outside The Line 
by Greyson Chance


You’ll Never Enjoy Your Life,
Livin' Inside The Box
You’re So Afraid Of Taking Chances,
How You Gonna Reach The Top?

Rules And Regulations,
Force You To Play It Safe
Get Rid Of All The Hesitation,
It’s Time For You To Seize The Day

Instead Of Just Sitting Around
And Looking Down On Tomorrow
You Gotta Let Your Feet Off The Ground,
The Time Is Now

I’m Waiting, Waiting, Just Waiting,
I’m Waiting, Waiting Outside The Lines
Waiting Outside The Lines
Waiting Outside The Lines

Try To Have No Regrets
Even If It’s Just Tonight
How You Gonna Walk Ahead
If You Keep Living Blind

Stuck In The Same Position,
You Deserve So Much More
There’s A Whole World Around Us,
Just Waiting To Be Explored

Instead Of Just Sitting Around
And Looking Down On Tomorrow
You Gotta Let Your Feet Off The Ground,
The Time Is Now, Just Let It Go

Don't Wanna Have To Force You To Smile
I’m Here To Help You Notice The Rainbow
Cause I Know,
What’s In You Is Out There

I’m Waiting, Waiting, Just Waiting,
I’m Waiting, Waiting Outside The Lines
Waiting Outside The Lines
Waiting Outside The Lines

I’m Trying To Be Patient (I’m Trying To Be Patient)
The First Step Is The Hardest (hardest)
I Know You Can Make It,
Go Ahead And Take It

I’m Waiting, Waiting, Just Waiting I’m Waiting
I’m Waiting, Waiting, Just Waiting
I’m Waiting, Waiting Outside The Lines
Waiting Outside The Lines
Waiting Outside The Lines

You’ll Never Enjoy Your Life
Living Inside The Box
You’re So Afraid Of Taking Chances,
How You Gonna Reach The Top?

The song says it all. The message is deep - to have the courage to step up. Would you?

-Miss B-

An Easter Letter.

I think I’m an over-thinker. I think a lot. I ponder upon things that beyond everyone’s understanding. I think a lot until my brain hurt. I ponder upon things too much until my heart aches - either when I get into the conclusion, or when I reach nothingness. 

It’s pretty bizarre up there. Being inartistic, without much talent to offer, I’m not capable of painting the things in my head. I’m sorry folks, I wish I could bring you into it (if only you want to). I’ll let you see the endless business of weighing the wrong and the right. Or the unruly flow of uncertainty that coils up every slope in my head. Complicated, eh? I don’t expect you to fathom, because I scarcely do myself.

Today, when I was at the church, I thought about hell. About the reason why people want to stay away from it. I learned from a friend not long ago that hell is a place without the presence of God. It may sound simple at first. A place without the presence of God. So, I try to work the logic in my head. “without the presence of God” would mean you are no longer entitled for reconciliation. You’ll lose the special bond that you have with him. You’ll be deprived from your right to pray. Imagine praying without the peace in your heart. Praying a prayer that won’t be answered, because God is no longer there. The feeling of hollowness, of being alone. Cold, like when you’re out during winter night, where you walk alone along the lonely street. Where winter chill’s stuffing your breath, and it’s iciness creeps into your bones. And you pray for sun, for light, and for hope to be loved again. But of no avail, because you lose that special bond with Him, the right of calling Him Abba.

Surely, a lot of people are picturing hell as a scorching place with blazing fire, where thousand suns continue to burn every single thing in it. Maybe it’s something like in dessert. Hot and waterless.

But it’s the none-presence of God that dreads me. Living eternally in darkness, without the light of hope, neither the warmth of love. And you’re all alone. It’s worst than being dead. You’re left to live regretting your own existence every moment to infinity.

Lord,

Teach me to cherish this special bond that I have with You.

And if by loving we rekindle Your presence among us, just like more than 2000 years ago, I pray that You grant us with a big heart to humbly love one another.

Make me worthy to be invited to the banquet, where You, and us the lowly being, at table and sat down.

Amen.

-Miss B-

April 1st. *snigger*

My Polar Bear has definitely gotten himself a mischievous partner. Well, I salute him for his patience in having me as one. As someone who is well known for her lame joke, I have a real problem when it comes to play a prank on others. And what makes it even difficult is when the prank is meant for someone like Polar Bear who would not fall for one easily. I have to try hard.

So I was looking through my calendar, and had just realized that today is April 1st. The evil side of me suddenly emerged, and I was tempted to play a trick on someone. I had just talked to Polar Bear beforehand, and that made him an easy target. He wouldn't suspect a thing. So I called him up  few minutes after he wished me good night. The idea was impromptu. I couldn't believe myself for being able to come up with something that quick. Of course I felt bad for getting him into the whole thing. But I couldn't resist the temptation. It's April Fool, the day when pranks and fools become legit. Someone's gotta be the victim, sorry love!

So it went this way.

Dialed up his number. Connected, and he picked up.

Me: Who's Amy?
Him: (sleepy voice) mmm?
Me: (Try hard not to laugh- make it sound like sniffing instead) the one who posted on your wall!
Him: what?
Me: You and her! Saw the post! goodness, I even saw you were in a photo with her! What's with "you made my day" on your wall??
Him: What? Who's that? (sleepy voice turned awake) could have posted on the wrong wall!
Me: Don't you try that with me! How could that be possible?

I hung up straight afterward. Hoping it was convincing enough to wake him up from his bed (FYI, Polar Bear and his bed is BFF. Once he hit the bed, no one would stand a chance to wake him up until he does himself)

My phone beep. An SMS from him, telling he was waiting for his laptop to start. (My heart leapt. Almost there, B!). I went to his wall and wished him Happy April Fool. Then waited for him to read the post himself.

Skype rang. I picked up.

Him: Ha-ha (annoyed + 'heck-you-woke-me-up-for-nothing' voice)
Me: Happy April Fool!! (grinning) and sorry!
Him: (Not impressed. Gave me 'the look' instead) .....
Me: ... (shoot, I'm in a deep sh*t) Sorry!!!
Him: My heart skipped a beat.
Me: Sorrrrrrrrryyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!!!!!

After few minutes of silence that felt forever...

Him: Don't do that again.
Me: Sorry...
Him: But I can't deny that you're good. I fell for your trick.

Gah, he admitted it at last! But that didn't lessen my guilt, especially when he complaint about having a headache right after my prank call, and that he's going to have a long day tomorrow, which justifies how important his sleep is to him now...

Pity him for being the victim! But he shouldn't be mad at me for pulling his leg, should he? After all, it's his sweet little bonny, the innocent Miss B!

-Miss B-

Doubling Silliness

It's kinda funny reading my previous post and the one that I posted before that. You can really see the difference, one is so depressing while the other is trying to be funny. I don't know what I'm trying to manifest from this difference. (May I laugh? :P)

Maybe I should label my post so when people read them, they know when to laugh and when to mourn.

Sigh, the fact that I'm commenting on my own posts shows that I'm jobless at the moment. Well, I'm not that free actually, like I said earlier I have essays due tomorrow. But I just don't know how to start them.

If only ideas are balloons, I could probably slingshot one so I can accomplish my tasks.

-Miss B-

S.I.L.L.Y

Guess what, I really want to write something on this page.

But my writer's block hinders me. Excuses, I know. 

I think I'm being too ambitious by wanting to write something inspirational up here when my essays, that due tomorrow, are not done yet.

My face is oily, so does my hair. I need to take a shower, but I have just eaten so I have to wait for a while because I don't fancy flabby tummy (I heard that if one showers after meal, s/he will probably 'develop' the abdomen part horizontally -- if you know what I mean -- not sure if this is true). Hah, I'm actually trying to practice my joke. I'm getting lamer day after day, eh? Bear with me.

I just want to channel my silliness into something. No one can't afford to entertain me at the moment since everyone is busy with their assignments. Polar Bear has long gone to bed. My sisters may not be able to understand me. Plus, it's 10pm. They are probably asleep as well.  

Sigh.

-Miss B-

Being Hamlet

When I write up here, I wish to show you my plus point instead of my downside. I want to be affable, loved by everyone. I want to appear civil, so you can only picture good things about me. 

But I'm no angel. I'm too barbaric to be civilized. I'm struggling to live up to my values. My philosophy of life makes it even more difficult. Because it's hard to tell the line that differs the stance of being a darling and a jerk. Most of the time I caught myself standing in a position that I thought was the good side, without realizing that my other leg was actually stepping on the opposite. And when I became aware of it, it was far too late. The damage had been done. I was screwed to the fullest, with my life principles hammering my head. It was such a painful emotional punishment for my tiny little soul. I swear I could have gone mental.

Sometimes I wish I were the bad person. Easy ending, without much justification of what you've done. You don't need to weigh your deed. No need to relate it to any of your values. And when people talk about it, they'll simply say "because she's the bad person in the story". Like the antagonist in the action movie, whose story ends with either being shot or involved in a horrible crash. Boom, just like that. 

But it's too complicated. To choose being the bad person would be too simplistic. It's like being a simpleton. And there's no way my life would be that simple. Simple means no challenge, and no challenge does not promise learning when I've sworn to be forever a learner. It's just contradicting to the whole thing, to me.

In the end, I have to go back to the only option left: struggling in being human. I may not be the protagonist, but I'm definitely someone. Someone that you'll be beholden to. Because I'm a part of the story.

to be or not to be....

And I don't expect you to understand the whole thing. Just saying. 

-Miss B-

Me being excited

Been to cinema last night with my girlfriends to watch The Hunger Games. One word: AWESOME!
Of course, there was time when I found the book much better, but there were some additional parts in the movie too that made it breathtaking.
I couldn't help my eyes got misty when I watched the part where Rue was dying in Katniss' arms. It was definitely the same image in my mind when I was reading that part but I didn't get all teary that time. Maybe the one in the movie was so vivid. But I think it's all because Suzanne Collins herself is the screenwriter for the movie!

Okay, I think I should stop talking about the movie before I bore you to death. And yes, I should start doing my assignments instead > <

-Miss B-

I don't know why I get so upset. So upset that I can lock myself in the closet. No kidding.
I'm now in an excessive state of depression. I blame my oily hair. I blame my tired eyes. My head that keeps on thinking about everything. My lips for not smiling. In short, I blame myself.

I'm bogged down by assignments. Mountain of papers on my desk. I blame it as well.

I blame myself for putting them on hold till the very last minute. I blame my brain for getting tired so easily. I am blameworthy.

I'm so tired of blaming myself. So tired of feeling inferior, of unworthy. I have a long counseling session with Polar Bear just now. He was right the whole time. There's nothing that I can do to even doubt on the spec of his logic. Ineffable.

I hope he won't ever stop loving me. For what I am. For me being sans make-up. I, beyond human's eyes. The inner me. The little insecure being that trapped in a woman of 20s' body. The nerdy me. The easily frightened me. The sometimes-monstrous creature in me. The easily offended me. The culpable me. He's seen me in all forms. And yet, every time I get down on my knee, I pray that he who came in my life years ago won't ever cease being my man. My boy-turn-man. My partner in all circumstances. My Polar Bear. Despite of my talks on quitting my social life and becoming a hermit.

To the moon, I channel my negative thoughts, hoping that they are neutralized. Sigh.

or maybe, I just need to take a shower and have a bowl of instant noodle.. Others can wait.

-Miss B-

Sad but true..

I need to proofread my writing. I tend to indeliberately write a word in a sentence that should not be there and make it overused, like the use of 'the' before the pronoun 'it'. Or miss out a word when it should be there, like the absence of the word 'to' before any verb that I choose. Oh well folks, talk about Obligatory Analysis! But the fact is, I'm aware of the rules. The only thing that I'm not aware of is my silly technical mistake, which does not contribute to the effectiveness of my writing style!

But I do make non-technical mistakes, say in my syntax use. Ironically, I know the rules but I just don't know how to apply them. I've tried my best to improve this one. It's all in my tacit knowledge, somewhere in the brain. Now talking about knowing-the-rules-yet-don't-apply-them somehow makes me feel dreadful. I certainly have read about a lot of theories on teaching and know them. But now I'm scared I won't apply it. Unintentionally. What if I don't practice what I preach? I don't walk my talk?

I'm yet to find the solution for this. 

-Miss B-

Being bored when I suppose to be busy

If I describe myself with a sophisticated psychology term at the moment, it would be narcissist. Vain, you may say. But the truth is, even how much I regard myself to be good-at-nothing, I can't help but admire at how my thoughts are facilely in order sometimes although "Miss Eloquence" is never my sobriquet. Yes, I'm prone to re-read my previous entries in my blog, and then be delighted in my ability to reflect. Alright folks, I allow you a chortle now. Have my sense of humor increased? :P

So if you bother to read my previous post, you may find some editing here and there, like the fixing of grammatical error (if only it's fixable, and yeah I have no idea if 'fixing' collocates well with 'grammatical error'); and the additional lines of two or more just to clarify my points...

Oh yeah, I'm now home for holidays and I HEART it being here! My sisters are at my disposal, I can bid them to cook and feed me well *evil laugh*. Yikes, scratch that. It makes me sound despicable when the truth is I'm the most awesome person to hang out with (Owh-eim-gee, what happens to the "humble" Miss B??? Someone please exorcise this vain self of me out of, well, ME!)

Excessive of vanity, I better stop now. It's time to chill out with my darling sister (okay, that sounds a bit normal).  I'll write again soon, folks! Till then, be good! :)

Let's enjoy a photo of my Peeta that I've polaroid-ed. Not bad eh? :P

{Ok B, why don't you just admit that you miss him?}

-Miss B-