All I want for Christmas is...

Merry Christmas, folks!

Like a little girl, I've been always looking forward to my Christmas present.

And I always dream about one thing...

And I really wish that I’ll get it for this Christmas.

I want…

An ability to write expressively, eloquently, with every grammar on its right place!

*shutting my eyes praying*

ooh, one more thing… I’m so in love with “The History of Love” by Nicole Krauss (thanks to Grace!) It was written so beautifully… reading every word is as if listening to Beethoven’s symphonies! I could dance for hours! I love flipping every page with the wonder of a child! And I really wish I could write like Krauss.....

Keep trying, Me!

-Miss B-

They call me 'Gaara'

It's Christmas eve, and tomorrow is the day of love and joyful: Christmas.

Merry Xmas to everyone who celebrates it! May you be blessed with joy! Let's thank God for everything!

It's Christmas, and like I say, it's a time of love.

But I regret myself for couldn't get rid of hatred, disappointment, and all negative feelings that should never dwell upon the heart for a time like this.

While I was doing my laundry just now, my mind wandered and suddenly some faces appeared, like a slideshow in my head, and everything that they had done --> hurtful things, started to play on the big screen of my mental head... And those hurtful things, which once they did to me, cut me again. I cursed and cursed. Cursed at those people. Cursed at myself, who couldn't erase the memory.

It was not their fault entirely. Had I known how to behave back then, things might have been different. I admit that I have a problem with behavior too. I was proud (I'm not sure if I'm still one), and definitely I had problem in bonding with others. Maybe that's why everyone had problem with me. Maybe that's why they stayed away, and I learned to create my own 'safety pavement' --> I played with the same rule: stayed away from those who stayed away from me.

I really wish that I could erase those memories. And forgive those faces. God knows how hard I'm trying. And yet.

They say that time will heal, and erase all painful memory.

I beg Time to work twice better on me.

I want to start clean...

and celebrate this season with a joyful pure heart. without hatred. without those painful memory which urge me to take revenge.

Come in clean.

-Miss B-

Larger than life

You could say I live in denial, I suppose.

Because though I'm in my early twenties, I feel I'm no older than a 12 year-old girl, who dreams nothing but being a kid.

"I'm not an adult yet. I'm still 'growing-up'..." That's what I think most of the time.

And when I have to do things that adults do, such as making decision, I'll feel awkward. I could feel my hand shaking and my leg ready to run without turning back.

and yet, I envy those who are mature though they are too young to be one. Those who seem to know their responsibility, and could stand on their own feet.

I wish I could be more firm, to know what I want and how to earn it.

-Miss B-

Me, an update

Hello folks! Sorry for the long hiatus! I'm back to my hometown, but the internet connection does not allow me to go online most of the time... Now I'm writing (or you could say, typing) this from Polar Bear's home. He got a quite-good connection (it's much better than mine)...

An update from me so far...

I'm a jobless person, depending on my parents to feed me, while me--lazying around (if such phrase does exist) in the house doing nothing... Ooo, I did do something... I help out with the chores (only if I feel like to) hee...

I'm still looking for something to inspire me in writing my second blog... My English is getting worst! I rarely speak the language at home (we all speak in our mother tongue) But, I've been reading some novels and it's good for my vocabs...

I guess that's all for the time being...
Ooo, we're all busy with Christmas celebration... wee!!!

Talk to you again later!

-Miss B-

What I've done..

I've signed up for another blog site. No, I will still keep 'Becoming Miss B' as a part of my open journal. I've learned a lot through writing, and that's why I would like to start a new one (as a branch), but with something new, something refreshing, and suits my 'growing' perspective. I wish my writing will get better too. This year course has taught me a lot, especially in improving my language skills. The best part is I've got the opportunity to think and reflect, and think back how the knowledge that I've learned help me in my future career, particularly in becoming a person, a more human.

I hope I will learn some more, and hopefully I will find my identity as a writer through journaling and blogging.

-Miss B-

I have a dream...

I want to be an author, writing effectively. Wish me luck.

-Miss B-

At the sole of superiority

How could I forgive you?

How could I forget everything that you've done to me long ago?

It was carved in the wall of my memory

still as rock, though I wish it'll fade by time.

I hate myself for despising you when you are so dear to me.

You're so nice, everyone could see that...

You're so gentle, delicate...

But you smashed my favour (of you) with unsought 'civilization'

Your knowledge haunted me

Your dream of the future was a great agony...

I live by the memory of yesterday

That's why I'm keeping myself at bay

When you speak of tomorrow's day...

Define me the word 'barbaric', dear son...

I will forever be one,

if you insist that your view is greater than my grandma's virtue...

-Little E-

"Billet-doux"

Well, I would love to continue writing "Love Thy Neighbour", but I have no answers for a lot of questions... Sigh, guess I have to learn more...

I'll write more about it, next time...

But maybe under a different headline... *wink*

***

I watched "Dear John" recently. Yup, the adaptation of Nicholas Spark's novel under the same title. Yup, I cried. Yup, I am a crying-baby. I don't know why I've got so sentimental watching movies nowadays. Weird.

I rarely read nowadays, and yup, it's worrying me. I need more vocabulary to express my maturing perspective (lol!)

But I did listen to heaps of new songs recently. Well, not really new to the world, but kinda new to me because I've never heard them before (sigh, I feel so outdated!)

And I fell in love to this song... it has been my most-played track!

It's one of "Dear John" soundtracks, and sung by Schuyler Fisk and Joshua Radin.

I love the intro, and the melody throughout the song. The guitar sound put me under its spell. and the lyric is not bad, too.

Here it is.

Been up all night
Staring at you
Wondering what's on your mind
I've been this way
With so many before
But this feels like the first time
You want the sunrise
To go back to bed
I want to make you laugh
Mess up my bed with me
Kick off the covers
I'm waiting
Every word you say I think
I should write down
I don't want to forget
Come daylight
Happy to lay here
Just happy to be here
I'm happy to know you
Play me a song
Your newest one
Please leave your taste on my tongue
Paperweight on my back
Cover me like a blanket
Mess up my bed with me
Kick off the covers
I'm waiting
Every word you say I think
I should write down
I don't to forget
Come daylight
And no need to worry
That's wastin time
And no need to wonder
What's been on my mind
It's you
It's you
Every word you say I think
I should write down
Don't want to forget
Come daylight
And I give up
I let you win
You win 'cause I'm not counting
You made it back
To sleep again
Wonder what you're dreaming

It's pleasing my ears, and suits my yet-to-be-grown-up soul. Listening to the song makes me feel warm.. especially when I'm sipping my hot chocolate, staring at every drop of rain outside the window while thinking of you...

Love,

Your Eden

Love thy neighbours. Part 2

Who says to love is easy?

It takes a great deal, even more than to hate, in order to love.

To forgive, and to be able to forget. To heal and be healed.

To erase every single memory of err in one's life.

Will you?

Because we love, we are able to bond.

But we might be ended up hurt.

Hurt, that's the risk of love.

Will you?

***

It's my tea time. To be continued.

-Miss B-

Love thy neighbours. Part 1

Living together is one of the thing that human beings have to learn in life.

It's not easy. Indeed, I find it very difficult. I am an individualistic person, and I have a real tough time dealing with relationship. Sometimes I'm scared to begin one because it might not end well and hurt me. No one wants to be hurt, do they?

But without companion, we humans feel lonely.

I can't help but thinking that human beings are created to bond. To see how well we could tolerate each other. Why 'tolerate'?

I'm a big fan of Piaget and Vygotsky. In his research, Piaget mentioned about individual differences. Hence, it justifies why humans are of different personalities. These personalities may be influenced by nature or nurture. That's why you might be different than me. (I wrote this from my own perspective. I welcome your opinions too)

The real challenge is, how do we live together despite these differences? In fact, I believe that most problem in the world started because people find than they are different from others. I mean, how do we live in peace when our neighbours partying with loud music every night while we prefer quiet environment after coming back from long hour of works? Think about other simple things, for example you prefer chocolate for your ice cream while others want strawberry. Isn't is obvious that we live in different world?

oh, it's my dinner time. To be continued.

-Miss B-

Spell me the word "ANGER"

If you know someone who is timid, naive and know-nothing, who you think you can talk highly to and step on their head, you're deadly wrong. Ain't such thing in this world. You may be standing tall, chest up high as mountain, and everyone looks so tiny and small from where you are. Beware, for your turn to be down might come up next.

I hate writing about karma and doom, it makes me sound so arrogant yet inferior. But sometimes I just can't help it. Especially when I'm engulfed with anger, or when I'm helpless and can do nothing to stop things from infuriating me.

"You mess up with the wrong person, dude"

I feel like screaming it to the whole world. But who am I? How would I have the gut to say such thing when I'm a nobody?? I could feel my defenseless from each of those words. Why can't I see the point that real courage actually lies on patience, and that victory is mine when I stop myself from running amok?

I'm a human being and anger is ordinary (normal). But what makes a human being extraordinary is how they remain calm even if they are angry.

No, I don't plan to be extraordinary. But it won't make me less human if I try to be one. In fact, human being should move toward a betterment.

-Miss B-

Void

tik tok

the clock strikes, time is indeed flying.

and I am left behind, far from reality.

My sole is not even on the ground.

I am flown to a land of nobody.

My soul stands lonely..

The pace of wind, who I thought once to be my friend,

has left me.

Hollow in my heart, void.

Waiting for something uncertain

I need answers.

Why do I feel alone around the crowd?

Why can't the music amuse me?

Why can't the aromatic smell calm me?

Why can't the sunflower make me smile?

Is it still there?

My spirit, young and free,

is it still there??

I'm no longer burnt with passion.

It has cooled off long ago, I suppose.

I don't know.

I'm flown again.

-Little E-

Self-Cheering

I heard an honest remark last week. I have limited English vocabulary. Thus, I have problem in communicating. I have realized it long time ago. I never get my message across. I have problem communicating in English. Although I have been working really hard, I progress really slow. But no, I never plan to give up. I would never give up. I'm now looking forward to an intensive programme which will help me to develop my communication skill.

I realize that I have learned a lot of vocabularies while working with the children. I could probably be better if I work even longer in the school I was sent to. I'm looking forward to another practicum next year.

Keep going, Miss B!

-Miss B-

Exhausted Miss B

1. I hardly had time to blog today. It was a real hectic day. I just hope everything would be better tomorrow.

2. I've just realize that I can learn a lot of things from children. I love talking to my students, and listening to story that my associate teacher read to them. I feel like being one again. It was a great opportunity.

3. My dance team will perform their dance tomorrow. Hopefully they'll be fine.

4. My oral grammar went upside down again. I don't care. Let it be. But, I'm gonna practice and IMPROVE soon. I just hope my associate teacher is fine with it. And my teacher-mates. And my students (though they laughed behind me)

I'm wishing for the best.

-Miss B-

I seriously need some help.

Wouldn't it be nice if I come home and Polar Bear is there, welcoming me with sweet smile, and then ready to listen to my rambling about my day...

I was lucky enough for my housemate cooked something nice for dinner. At least I could calm down after a hectic day. I know I should have stopped talking about my day at school, I probably have bored you to death... but sorry, I just can't help myself. I need to write my feeling 'out loud'.

I suppose everyone could already guess it... yup, today was my frustrating day AGAIN.

I was just so frustrated because I couldn't control my students well... I envy one of my college-mate who's also doing practicum in the classroom. She's doing much better than I do... She could handle them well... and her lesson went very well... If only I could do something like hers...

I notice one of the weakness in my teaching point is my language use. I couldn't communicate to the students as how the other teachers do because I don't have the vocabs... I feel so bad about it... I was trembling, and words didn't come up easily... and students were laughing behind my back... I just couldn't handle them...

If only I have a magical stick, I would make myself fluent, so I could communicate easily.

Way to go, Miss B. You have a lot of things to learn...

I hope I'll do much better tomorrow. I need to coach students in a dancing activity. They are going to perform in front of everyone, and of course, I want them to do it perfectly (if possible)

I just want them to have fun, and feel good about themselves when they are performing it. And hopefully, they will cooperate more...

-Miss B-

Learning to teach.

My associate teacher was generous enough today and thus she let me handle two sessions of teaching. It was a great opportunity to see if I could teach students.

Well, what should I say about it???

It was far than being awesome, not even close to being OKAY.

I felt like crying. The students were not listening. They preferred talking and being silly (sorry, if it sounds too harsh, I couldn't find other words to euphemise them).

I wish I could handle them better.

But at the same time I could feel a new Miss B is awaken. Never I thought that I could reach such level in front of other children besides my siblings.

Yeah, I was being FIERCE.

Can you imagine that??? Miss B, who is normally timid, and shy, and inferior, and easily-intimidated, was being fierce in front of her students!!!

Though I feel quite bad (because one student was sent away during my lesson), I guess my classroom management is getting better (though it wasn't not good enough, at least it was better than yesterday).

Hence, to a certain extent,assertiveness works quite well for a beginner like me, although I use to think that it is not an effective way in handling classroom behavior.

There's this a student of mine, his name is Lucky (pseudonym) and he's cute. I love the way he calls me "Miss B". It sounds so angelic. He is indeed a little angel. He has a very soft voice which makes you want him to call your name the whole time. and he has those eyes which look very innocent, just like the eyes of a newborn baby. However, behind those beautiful baby eyes, he could be a little devil who is ready to ruin your class.

Initially I was looking forward to have him in my group. But the moment he sat in front of me, and started to do silly stuff and on, I straight away regretted my initial anticipation. I couldn't stand him. He made every single thing that annoyed me, and to make things worst, the rest of the students were 'influenced' to be naughty as well.

I felt bad, for he was sent away just now when he was supposed to be in my little group for dancing activity. and I was being quite harsh to him too. Sorry darling, Miss B didn't mean to be mean. I wish you understand it one day.

I suppose that's the most thing I could do at the moment. I wish I could figure out another strategy on how to handle classroom without giving student a time-out.

I hope I would be able to perform my favourite theory, Glasser's choice theory.

Yeah, that's it. I could read a lot of theories, criticizing them verbally, but to perform them practically is another different story and yeah, it's indeed difficult.

-Miss B-

Oh Deary Deary ME!!!

I always tell myself that I'm lucky enough to be chosen in this programme and therefore I should not be choosy. If I were to send to the end of the world, then off I go. I should not complain, wishing that I will get somewhere better.

Today was a real challenge to my belief. I was really put on test. I was crying in my heart. I prayed that my smile didn't quiver. It has to be a perfect mask, to disguise my awkwardness.

I felt so awkward being around my students. My grammar turned upside down. I just prayed that the associate teacher understand my English. Or she might have understood. Sigh, I should have handed her my self-description form. I've clearly written "English is my third language" on it.

I do love my students. I really do. But I couldn't help being awkward. and shy. and timid. and not being able to handle the little group under my care. I might have looked so PESSIMIST in front of everyone.

I envy my partner (there were two of us, supposed to be 3 but one could not make it). She looks pretty natural among children. I would say, she could handle the class without much ado. and the children love her.

I pray that thing would be better tomorrow. Be more confident, B! You're gonna be a teacher!

-Miss B-

Homesick

I rarely talk about home. It makes me sick.

Homesick.

and right now, I want to be nowhere but home.

I just miss being a child, a sister and a friend...

I would rather say that I'm careless, and not sensitive enough.

I tend to do things or say something that will hurt them, although God knows I don't intend to do so.

Action may hurt. So does words.

Tear falls, heart bleeds.

Impossible to undo.

I'm sorry for could not be good enough...

-Miss B-

When the wall is cold enough to talk to...

There’s a lot of time I feel like banging my head over the wall or knocking it with frying pan. I hate thinking of my embarrassing moment.

“urgh, why did I do that??” that question’s roaring in my head.

I don’t know if such feeling is healthy. In fact, I hate it.

There'll be time when I feel so inferior every time I recall embarrassing incident. If I were the only person who's living in this hall, I would have probably shout my heart out loud.

That's why I sing.

Singing will make me forget about those humiliating moments. And it will seem like I'm having a good time... (yeah right!)

Ahh, I just need to think of my positive attributes in order to cast the feeling away...

Yeah, overcoming negative thoughts with positive thinking.

I could do that.

***

Again, I feel like my grammar is shrinking.

I have to revise.

-Miss B-

Smart.

I have a theory. I would like to propose this for the thesis of my doctorate (hold on folks, let me finish first. It won't be funnier than this)

I don't know why but lately I have a tendency to curse. One of the most heard words comes out from my mouth is "idiot".

While doing revision with my friends, things went wrong all of a sudden and I started to curse.

"IDIOT!"

I was actually addressing that to myself. I misinterpreted one revision question, and you know the stress of last minute study can really drive one crazy sometimes. I'm not good in stress management. So I started to curse at myself over and over. "Idiot! Idiot! Idiot!"

My friend overheard this (and I'm pretty sure that she herself got fed up listening to me cursing all the way long)

So she told me, "don't say 'Idiot', Say 'Smart', "

Initially, I just smiled at her suggestion.

Things went on, I cursed over and over and every time my friend heard this, she would remind me, "Smart"

So, the next time I felt like cursing, I tried to say "Smart" instead of "Idiot".

I wouldn't say I have got rid of my "Idiot" word, but at least now, every time I feel like cursing, "Smart" would come out instead of "Idiot".

I might have been conditioned, just like in the behaviorist theory. I don't know. My lecturer told me, we humans are much conditioned. We tend to do things that we have been trained to do.

My point here is, if humans are responding to conditioning, then we could possibly change certain behaviors.

I know that Glasser (he is the proponent of Choice Theory - Classroom Management) said that we own our own behaviours. We cannot change others' but ours.

However, in my opinion, there is still a place for behaviorist theory to slip in.

Take my experience as an example. We cannot simply stop a behavior on the spot. It takes time. Say in my example, my friend cannot simply tell me to stop saying 'Idiot'. (this comes back to Glasser theory, I OWN my behaviour) No one can simply stop me for I choose to behave that way. I choose to say 'Idiot'.

What my friend did was, she compromised with me. She gave me other option to replace the word 'Idiot'. Smart.

I guess that works better. Now, you'll hear me saying smart all the way back. People say, what you say is what you are. Am I smarter??? lol.

-Miss B-

Numbness

Somehow I wish that you'll be here,

to wipe every drop of tears that streaming down from my eyes...

How come I feel so cold when it feels so warm on my face?

Tears, you take away the warmness of my soul...

***

Where art thou, Love?

-Little E-

Rambling again

Been having a good laugh today with my girlfriends, picking on each other, cooking together, and then sharing our lunch... I had a wonderful time!

I could still feel my stomach aching because of too much laughing!

My girlfriends are real jokers! We talked about our imagination, about future and so on.. then we touched any wood nearby if any of us happened to mention something scary that no one ever desired to occur... stupid stuffs, yet it was a great moment.

I thank God for everything. I mean, it's good to have a time together especially when you're about to sit for an exam in three days. I haven't been studying much, and I know I should have best done my revision or else I'm gonna screw up my big day...

sigh, why did I talk about exam in the first place???

Ok, I better go back to my work. Till later, folks! Be good!

-Miss B-

My writing tasks.

It's kinda embarrassing reading my previous post just to spot some grammatical errors or typos. I feel like banging my head on the wall! lol~

Upon this I come to realize how important proofreading is. One of the comments that my lecturer often gave me was, "style problems are letting you down, as long as general proofreading"

So, it'll be good to finish your work earlier and let someone goes through it before you hand it in. But for a last-minute person like me, finishing task earlier is indeed difficult. But I guess I have improved over time. Nowadays, I have tried my best to complete everything as early as possible. But now my main problem is trying to finish three or more assignments in time! (How on earth I can do such thing when I am progressing so slow...) well, no excuse! Don't complain, work harder!

Ok, I have a good time posting something motivating!

Till later, see ya!

-Miss B-

Heartfelt Wish

Time indeed can do so much. It reveals the most hidden story that you would never expect to exist. I was deceived by appearance. But time reveals the truth.

It was five years ago since I last saw her. She was not a friend of mine, but I knew her. We used to go to the same school. I rarely talked to her and hence I didn't know much about her. She preferred to be quiet when the whole world went riot. She was on her own, secretive, mysterious... No one knew the story behind those soft brown eyes, nor between the lines of those black shiny hairs. I bet no one was curious enough. Or probably those soft brown eyes was firm enough to shut other's up, as if you could hear an out loud "back off!!!" from the back of your mind, whenever you try to intrude into her mind.

And that discouraged me too. To make a warm step and say a friendly 'hi'. I didn't do that to her. and it's weird, because I normally did that to almost everyone, but her.

I got to know about her recently from a friend's blog. She is now 'different'. No, that doesn't describe her best. I would rather say, she has 'grown up'.

I saw her photos. I saw her smiling face, but I could feel the same old coldness whenever I try to delve into those soft brown eyes. Ah, they have changed over time... A bit tougher, and hardened.. They still look soft though. I wonder what they have seen these past 5 years. Still secretive, more mysterious, but now you could sense the emergent of rebel as well.

From a friend, I got to know that she has had a 'partner'. I am happy for her. At least she has now opened her heart to someone. Someone to lean on when everyone turns their back on, someone to count on when no one seems trustful enough, and someone to turn on whenever insecurity hunts. I pray for her happiness. I kinda regret it for not being brave enough to approach her earlier. And now, I am well aware that I have no right to judge or condemn her for what she is now.

I wish her good luck, and may she happy with her...

-Miss B-

Spring's flower

I've been thinking a lot lately. I mean, I think more than ever (because "thinking" is indeed my hobby).

And normally I get my source of thinking from my readings. You name it, Wikipedia, Blogs, News, Magazine, even people's status on Facebook!

But I was quite taken aback with my journal reading recently. You can access it here.

For a speaker of other language (SOL) like me, whose English is merely sufficient for daily confab, the lexicon used kinda baffling me. But I managed to make sense of it to certain degree. And what I got from it was:

"This is what the contemporary self wants. It wants to be recognized, wants to be connected: It wants to be visible"

Long story short, it argues that people nowadays are losing the sense of solitude, the capacity to be alone.

It reminds me much to Mary's say in Pride and Prejudice (a novel by Jane Austen)

"Vanity and pride are different things, though the words are often used synonymously. A person may be proud without being vain. Pride relates more to our opinion of ourselves, vanity to what we would have others think of us."

I can't help but thinking that we humans are much bound to vanity. We care so much of what people think about us, and thus left dependent to visibility. It's no longer a desire. It's a NEED. To be visible, to be acknowledged by others.

How many of us, can sit still without submitting to the urge of internet, handphone and so on?

In fact, I myself find it difficult to sit and do my reflection without going to the net, checking my phone (to see if my inbox is full), etc.

It's such a pain to admit because our egoistic nature won't give in. But come back to reality, we indeed (well, almost) can't live ALONE.

I am so much endorsing constructivist model, especially Vygotsky's sociocultural theory. I believe that in order to learn more, we have to interact with other (this explains why we need LANGUAGE).

However, I do believe that sometimes we need SOLITUDE in order to come back to our inner self, and internalize everything that we've learnt in our social life. To reflect. To ponder upon.

I hate to think myself as vain. I don't need to be acknowledged by others that I'm pretty or intelligent, for it exposes me to INSECURITY. I want to stay confident, to be able to keep my chin up, and to know that I was created magnificently (we are created in HIS own image)... even without people telling me.

I need to strengthen my inner strength. People won't make me down unless if I allow them to.

-Miss B-

My Solitude Thought

I've learned a lot of things in these past few months. A Lot. And everything is new. I sort of believe that I've been trained to bring a change.

I have seen a lot of things. Old and New. And I have been shown how the old one is outdated, and why the new one is important.

It's about to CHANGE.

from the OLD to the NEW.

But the my problem now is... How am I going to do that?

How am I going to tell the world about the CHANGE?

Of course, it is always 'easy said than done'.

Theory precedes practice.

Everyone can talk theoretically but when it comes to the practical part, you'll be happy if you see one stands out relevantly to the theory.

I've been taught that homework is not a good closure for a lesson plan. But still, when it comes to carry out a lesson plan, I still have the tendency to use homework as the closure.

To CHANGE is indeed difficult.

People can read thousands of books on theories, but it's not a guarantee that they are gonna be good in their practice afterward.

One can preach others how bad this and that stuff, but it takes a great deal to see if that person practice what s/he preaches.

And once you don't walk your talk, that's the end of your belief...

Sigh, I don't intend to make it sound like a horror movie, but I suppose it's better to be realistic...

I will try to be more confident next time.

-Miss B-

Persevere.

I'm trying my best to improve my writing. It's not easy, especially when you have to write in a language that you barely know. I would say that even to date, I have not gained much familiarity in English. All I can do is trying to boost my knowledge in every single way as much as possible.

I thank those who are willing to spend time reading my posts. I normally write things to amuse myself. That I have words flowing in my head and I would like it to be up on this page. Of course I would favor it more if my children/grandchildren/great grandchildren are benefited from this log.

Sometimes it doesn't make sense.

Sometimes it's so overwhelming.

Sometimes it's just so plain.

I'm still looking for a way how I can diversify my writing style. It needs a lot of forbearance. I hope my exuberance in writing will persist.

ps: I welcome everyone. but please don't spam this page. Peace!

-Miss B-

How 'lyrinism' dumbfound me.

I've been searching for this song for so long...

I have it hummed at the back of my head, but I just couldn't figure out who the singer is...

and today, I found it...

I was enchanted with the beautiful lyric... it was so deep... I couldn't externalize my feeling whenever I played it... there's just something about it that you wouldn't bear to ignore...

I thank Sarah McLachlan for singing such beautiful song... and yeah, her unique voice made it sound even better... as if the song touches you down into your heart, talking to your tiny being which hidden somewhere in your innermost thoughts...

Heaven bent to take my hand
And lead me through the fire
Be the long awaited answer
To a long and painful fight

Truth be told I've tried my best
But somewhere along the way
I got caught up in all there was to offer
And the cost was so much more than I could bear

Though I've tried, I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I have messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...

We all begin with good intent
Love was raw and young
We believed that we could change ourselves
The past could be undone
But we carry on our backs the burden
Time always reveals
The lonely light of morning
The wound that would not heal
It's the bitter taste of losing everything
That I have held so dear.

I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I have messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...

Heaven bent to take my hand
Nowhere left to turn
I'm lost to those I thought were friends
To everyone I know
Oh they turned their heads embarassed
Pretend that they don't see
But it's one missed step
You'll slip before you know it
And there doesn't seem a way to be redeemed

Though I've tried, I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I have messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...

***

I was trying to express myself through a poem today.

The theme was apple.

I failed. Insufficient of vocabulary.

I really, really want to be overwhelmed by the feeling again.

The satisfaction when you express your thoughts on a paper...

I've lost the sense...

If only I could revive it again...

I just miss...being intuitive...

Rationale and logic has probably killed it...

Oh, come back...

-Miss B-

Polar Bear's request!

At the end of this week, I would be qualified to be nominated as an unpublished author!!! Assignments seem so keen to court me, and my energy has been driven out due to 'essays laboring' (don't bother if you don't understand a word. this is just a wimpy whine---if such term exists- of a person who is almost defeated at the tip of her pen!)

I just need more motivation to keep holding on... and I'm so 'lucky' for my better half is concern enough to be there for me, ready to nag--oops, to 'counsel' me if I attempt to slip away from my unbidden workloads...

5200 words, in less then three days...

3 distinct topics.

3 different way of writings...

2 referencing styles...

1 mind, 1 heart, 1 person to complete it all!

Wish me luck!!!

-Miss B-

Energy Deprivation

I have a lot of big dreams in my life.

But the point is I don't know where to start and I can't give commitment.

I feel so useless sometimes.

There was once when I was so interested in doing charity job and I ended up being lukewarm.

My passion was not intense enough.

I was discouraged very easily, but at the same time I couldn't resist the urge to feel the sense of accomplishment.

Undoubtedly, the passion remains in heart, but it isn't flaming enough...

Lackadaisical hinders accomplishment

(Excuse the excessive used of nominalization, the sentence expresses my thoughts and feelings perfectly)

I wish I could revive my enthusiasm and exorcise the lethargy which has been possessing me since last night...

-Miss B-

Quick Update!

I enjoy working on students' numeracy and literacy!

Could I be able to teach Math and English???

Yet to discover!

Tomorrow I'm gonna work with a student on math problem. Wish me luck, folks!

-Miss B-

Thought of yesterday

I have tons of assignments waiting. I just couldn't be bothered. I feel like procrastinating the whole time... I notice that I've been doing a lot of reflection recently about things that I've done in the past... and I kinda regret some of it, especially the moment when I was being mean to others.

There was this lady who lived near by and always came to my house. Her daughter was about 6-7 that time (I couldn't really remember). She asked me to teach her daughter to read and write. I agreed with the idea in the beginning, but soon afterward I got turned off. I felt it was really difficult to teach the child. Another thing was she always came during afternoon (after I came back from school) and that even annoyed me because I had to 'sacrifice' my afternoon nap (God knows how important siesta was for me that time!) I remembered how I rose my voice once when the child couldn't do the question that I asked her to do. When I think back about it now, I feel so ashamed of myself. I should have never been nasty to her. If only I have my teaching hat on during that time, I probably could change something.

There was another incident when I was in my secondary school. I feel like banging my head onto the wall whenever I think back about it nowadays. There was this friend who had just come into my class. I was quite lucky because I was put into an 'A' class (where students with higher ability went to). But I guess, being in the classroom had made me arrogant. I felt like I was a genius, and those with lower ability shouldn't come into the classroom. The friend (who had just come into the class) was not really 'ranked' in the 'A' student list. But she happened to register late, and when the teacher asked her which class she wanted to be in, she picked our class. I was nasty toward her on the first day. I told her that she shouldn't choose our class because she would suffer afterward... that she wouldn't be able to keep up with the rest in the class. Another friend questioned me for being too nasty and looked down upon others. I told the friend back that I was just being concern. I kept on emphasizing the fact that the girl would have problem in keeping up with others later.

God knows how much I regret it now. Instead of helping the poor girl, I criticized her. Instead of lending a hand, I judged her ability. Instead of welcoming her, I put on a hostile face. Shame on me. and yeah, karma has struck me even harder. It took me long to come into realization, but I thank God for at least now I have learned my lesson. I suppose my logic has 'grown up'.

I feel sorry for those people...

I feel even sorry for myself for being so unintelligent once... I missed a lot of things. Now i have to catch up and learn as much as possible...

-Miss B-

My Guilty Conscience

I had one lecturer who was doing her best to assist her students. However, from all accounts she was quite conventional, and hence she was criticized for this. It was so sad to see the size of her lecture, which was quite big at the beginning... The number of students who attended the class decreased day after day...

I always struggled to stay awake during her class... It was a great agony to restrain myself from dozing off... As a result, I sometimes skipped her class because I 'believed' that I wouldn't be able to learn anything from the lecture... that even if I come, I would have just wasted my time and hurt her to see me snoozing while she was talking in front. Bad me.

Never in my mind I have ever thought that one day I would probably experience the same thing as she did...

She might have to stay up till late just to prepare for her next lecture. She might have to read piles of books till her eyes got sore just in case if her students come and ask her about the lecture...

She might have worked really hard just for one lesson which last for about two hours... and yet students don't even bother to come...

and just now, when I was doing my preparation for the next task, the thought of her suddenly came into my mind... My ego tries to forbid me from imagining students calling me "Miss Boring" behind my back... I shuddered at the thought of it...

I felt so sorry for her and I wish that I would learn from this... to appreciate what a teacher has done for her/his students...

Hey Miss X,

I'm sorry for not being 'good' in your class.

I couldn't help my ignorance.

I wish I would have listened to you...

I would probably have gotten more knowledge

to be passed on to my students...

I wish you well

and please don't give up on your students...

they probably haven't open their 'inner eyes' yet...

Give us more chance to learn...

Best wishes,

-Miss B in the making-

I hope.

Most of the time I'm worried about my self expression. I'm worried that people won't get me just because I can't explain things clearly. Sometimes I wish that I have all the vocabularies in the world and could speak all languages fluently... But that's impossible. I need more than a lifetime for that.

Since I can't do all, I have to choose. I have to learn the options left. And still, it's not that easy.

I told you in my previous post that I'm working on a strategy book for my student. To date, I haven't really finished it. I have to revise back all the things that I've learned before just to understand the task that I'm gonna ask my student to do. It's such a long process! My anxiety level is increasing. I'm so nervous and scared that I won't be able to teach my student well. Sigh...

Never in my life as a teacher trainee, I have ever thought of becoming the best teacher for my students. I am well aware that I won't be able to do so. But deep inside my heart, I have one humble desire (if only you consider this as one)... that I want my students to go home with something that they learn from my class... that they would be able to live better with the things that they learn during my lesson (applying knowledge into their real lives)

I wish I could learn a lot of things so I can share it with my students one day... as for the time being, I need to go back to my algebra revision so I would be able to work on my student's division strategy book...

Dear Student,

I hope when I come to see you one of these days, you'll understand the division concept more... I hope you can use it in your daily life. If possible, I hope it can help you in becoming Mathematician! lol!

with love,

-Miss B-

Save me from... embarrassment!

I'm supposed to work with my student on division problem.

But, how can I teach something that I myself don't understand???

I doubt my teaching skill. Seriously.

Now I know how challenging teaching can be. I wish I could shoot to the air, asking for some help! SOS!

I can't imagine myself bringing laptop, answering students, "hold on for a while. let me google it first" every time they ask me something that I don't have a clue at all...

Time to take things seriously Miss B.

LEARN

-Miss B-

Talking about behavioral management.

I came to this page just for the sake of writing something. I don't want to abandon it too long. I don't want it to be left unattended, dusty and forlorn...

So I'm gonna carry on with my rant.

Today I learned something from my lecture. Well, it was a long story but I would summarize it based on the thing that I have understood.

If you want to correct a student/child/learner behaviour, use "I-message"; but if you want to praise him/her, use "You-message".

For those who don't have a clue what I am talking about, you can google "I-message". If I'm not mistaken, Thomas Gordon was the one who first proposed this idea (I-message).

You can click on the link below

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/I-message (Thanks to Wikipedia. It makes things much easier!)

But to make it clear for you, I would give some examples.

Situation: A student is reading a book quietly on her seat. A teacher comes and tell her, in front of the whole class.

Teacher: I like the way A (the student) spend her time. She sits quietly on her seat and read her book.

Well, according to my understanding, the teacher shouldn't say such thing, especially in front of other students. The teacher as if tries to manipulate the other students' behaviours. To cut a long story short, the teacher is kinda comparing his/her students with the others.

When I was young, I have always hated it when I was compared with others, or adults told me that I should behave like A or B or C. I felt like bursting out, telling them to shut up, and letting them know that I was different. I couldn't be like others, but I definitely could achieve something through my own way. I wonder what would happen if I have the courage to tell them about how I feel back then...

Okay, I shouldn't talk to much on my personal experience. Now let's go back to the topic.

In my opinion, the teacher should use 'You-message'.

For instance,

"When you read your book silently on your seat, it will help you in your assignment."

I guess it sounds more sincere compare to first one. The teacher acknowledge the student's behaviour and let she/he knows how such behaviour help her/him.

For more information about praise and punishment, kindly refer Alfie Kohn's Punished by Rewards.

It's interesting to know what others think about behavioral management and then reflect it our own beliefs.

-Miss B-

Twitter

My recent posts kind of boring.

Been thinking a lot lately. But I just find it difficult to put everything into words.

I feel like my vocabs have shrunk. Sigh!

I wish inspiration will once again strikes my head.

I need it so badly!

I wish I can do something that I enjoy to do and write about it.

But, it seems like I enjoy nothing lately.

I am overloaded with tons of assignments.

I could probably talk about it one of these days.

I could talk about how much I try to write my essay as perfect as possible.

Or about how scared I am every time I am being told to collect my assignment from the reception.

Or about how I cry myself to sleep, mourning for not getting the wanted result.

Or about how I mock myself for being so slow in doing my works.

I would definitely talk about it.

but not now. Probably later. Possibly.

I'm trying my best to improve my language expression at the moment and also polish up my writing skill.

(why?why?why?why?why) *heard from far*

Because I want to write my own wedding vow (if I am to marry), and that means I have to improve even more! *laughing out loud*

"I is you, you is me. No, me no speak Engris."

Ain't let those things happen to my children.

-Miss B-

The Poignant Decision

Life is to choose,

But we can't choose for others

They MAKE their own

We are NOT God,

We DON'T rule the universe

We follow our own path

To heaven, to hell

Humans are to decide

on their OWN

We can't choose for others

so do they for us

to live means to tolerate

will you leave your home

when you feel like truth is no where to be found?

again, we palm the choice.

Who am I to judge?

when the choice left seems unbearable,

I run.

to escape.

-Miss B-

Better than nothing

It has been quite a while since my last post... This page has been left unattended for quite sometimes... My apology to all...

I have nothing in mind to write about...

till then, let this page to be idle...

-Miss B-

The Counter

I just want to slow down and learn to have more faith...

Life has run me all this while instead of the other way around...

I'm telling my heart to be patient, there's thing that takes times... to be the way it is... or the way I want it to be...

I can't learn all stuffs in the blink of an eye.

-Miss B-

Out of the blue!

I made a vow to myself.

I'm so gonna improve my communication skill.

I will try my best not to withdraw myself from conversation just because I'm afraid that people won't understand me.

I will try to express myself in a much better way! Oh, even that means that I'm gonna work hard for it...

mm, looks like there's a lot of things to learn...

Step up, Me!

-Miss B-

Spring Waltz...

My ungrateful, immature tiny little soul's cursing the beautiful afternoon of spring sky.

The colour. The tone. The mood.

All bring back those old childhood memory~~

"Dang you beautiful whether! for bringing tears on my eyes! now I feel like going back to the place which is located million miles away from here, and to the time when I was innocent enough to know about financial problem and stress of workload..."

Owh Spring...

I thought I have sprung those winter blues...

Now you're here... and how I wish things to be better~~~

-Miss B-

...never believed that things happened for reason...

This song made my day... It sounds so beautiful and I could relate the lyric to myself... Somehow it resembles me in someway...

Again

by Natasha Beddingfield/Bruno Mars

Hands over my head thinking "what else could go wrong"?
Would've stayed in bed, how can a day be so long?
Never believed that things happen for a reason
But how this turned out, You moved all my doubts, So believe
That for You I'll do it all over again
Do it all over again
All I went through, led me to You
So I'd do it all over again
For You

I missed the first train, stood out in the rain, all day
Little did I know
When I caught the next train, there You were to sweep me away
Guess thats what I've waited for
Never believed that things happened for a reason
But how this turned out, You moved all my doubts, So believe
That for You I'd do it all over again
Do it all over again
All I went through, led me to You
So I'd do it all over again

Who ever thought a day gone so wrong, would turn out so lovely?
Im so glad I found You
Even though the day went so wrong, I wouldnt change a thing (yeah, yeah, oh I'd do it)
I'd do it all over again
Do it all over again
All I went through, led me to You
So I'd do it all over again (yeah, yeah ohhh)
I'd do it all over again (I'd do it all over, I'd do it all over)
Do it all over again (I'd do it all over for You, for you)
all I went through, led me to you (all I went through, it led me to You)
so I'd do it all over again (over again)

Who ever thought a day gone so wrong, could turn out so lovely
Who ever thought a day gone so wrong, could turn out so lovely

I hope it makes yours too.

-Miss B-

Been missing too long

I suddenly feel that I've missed a lot... and forgotten a lot too...

I miss the warm feeling when I sing every song out loud when His presence strikes me...

In my vision, I saw a father welcome his daughter home after a long journey... after she's been wandering a lot and did not realized that she has gone too far...

-Little E-

Be Humble, Dear Heart

I was inclined to do my very best in every assignment. I wanted to get an excellent grade. I wanted to be able to tell others, "Hey, I'm not stupid. See, I got an A for my assignment". I had a strong tendency to drive myself to the highest peak.

But, I forgot to learn.

I forgot to take delight in doing those assignments.

I forgot.

To enjoy knowledge.

***

I could see that I have a strong passion in writing and learning language.

-Miss B-

Long Long Ago

Somehow this song has been in my mind for quite some times recently...

I googled it, and I found this in the Youtube.

Tell me the tales that to me were so dear, Long, long ago; long, long ago. Sing me the songs I delighted to hear Long, long ago; long ago. Now you are come, all my grief is removed. Let me forget that so long you have roved. Let me believe that you love as you loved, Long, long ago; long ago.

Do you remember the path where we met? Long, long ago; long, long ago. Ah yes, you told me you ne'er would forget. Long, long ago; long go. Then to all others, my smile you preferred. Still my heart treasures the praises I heard. Still my heart treasures the praises I heard. Long, long ago; long ago.

Though by your kindness my fond hopes were raised, Long, long ago; long, long ago. You, by more eloquent lips have been praised, Long, long ago; long ago. But by long absence your truth has been tried. Still to your accent I listen with pride. Blest as I was when I sat by your side, Long, long ago; long ago (Thomas Haynes Bayly, ca. 1830)

It sounds so beautiful...

-Miss B-

Clarity and Grace

Will it be much easier to bear if I am to be ignorant?

Sigh.

Certain things are beyond human understanding.

-Miss B-

ps, I'm on a mission to learn English cliche as much as possible.

I'm speaking out of your context. Sorry.

I try my best not to condemn others.

"Don't you condemn me because I'm a follower.

Don't you condemn me because I'm not"

As a believer, I try my best to convince my heart to surrender everything to Him.

I do (I guess), in my own way.

When I am in need of something, I will talk to Him.

and I will try my best to work real hard. My weakness is, I just can't go on and act as if I were not bothered.

Maybe because I believe He will help me as long as I put on my effort.

I always dream of being "Beautiful"...

I guess, it's not the "product" that counted in other to be one. It's the process.

-Miss B-

Wish List

Procrastination.

If it were a piece of tissue, to the toilet hole it goes. Flushed and gone.

If it were a plate of leftover food, to the "charity for ducks and seagulls" it goes. Eaten and forgotten.

If it were a leaf, to the far far away unknown kingdom it goes. Wilted and blown away.

I wanna be more hardworking than what I am now (Am I considered to be one? L.A.Z.Y. Those alphabets describe me best)

*Laundry's been washed and folded

*Room's been tidied up

*Assignments' finished in or on time

Yup, I wanna be more diligent!

-Miss B-

Admiring how violet the sky is...

-Miss B-

Unpleasure Ramble~~

I just don't have a clue.

In my heart, I feel sad seeing certain people condemning others just because they have different belief... because they stand on the other side of the view.

How I wish that we have all the space in the world to accommodate all. But we don't. We are confined by boundaries and thus force us to push others so we'll have more space for ourselves. Sadly, everyone is becoming more and more selfish. Say that they have no choice, that they are doing it for everyone's benefit. But the truth lies undercover. No one really comprehends what is kept inside once's heart. No one would ever be able to know things inside out.

I don't want to condemn.

I don't want to give false testimony for things that I myself barely understand.

But submitted to human nature: weak and confused, I tend to fall into this category, although it stands strongly against the values that I have tried my best to uphold through and through.

That probably explains my subservient nature which Polar Bear tries so hard to erase from my life's dictionary. He describes me as naive and childish, easily influenced and misled, tend to be stubborn and do things without thinking.

Life demands decision.

To live is to choose.

We decide what's the best for us.

and that makes we learn.

I just realize that I talked really bad about others just now... And now I feel bad... Sigh...

-Miss B-

An Excuse to Escape!

I know... I know!

I should have been working on my assignments...

Oh please give me few moments to be indulged by saying my thoughts out loud up here!

Have I ever told you guys that I'm a fan of Sarah Brightman? Owh, she's brilliant, man! I love her soft soprano voice... there's just something about her song that I hardly describe with words... it could be the melody, the lyric, or the vocal itself... Everything blends beautifully... lead to some sort of effects... something soothing... so close as if it talks to the soul, buoyed me up highly in reverie, with lots of undescribable feelings mix together...

and this is one of my favourite...

I found it in Youtube by someone called Azurelce5.

-Miss B-

"Not handsome enough to tempt me"

"In vain I have struggled. It will not do. My feelings will not be repressed. You must allow me to tell you how ardently I admire and love you"

(Mr. Darcy, in Pride and Prejudice)

I decided to turn my head away from my heartache-causer assignment and continue to write for a new post. Sigh, ignorance strikes me again! Now, I believe that I'm privileged enough to be the world most professional procrastinator! (Don't gasp, children! this is the younger version of Miss B!)

Oh well, nice tagline!

"Miss B, Young and Ignorant"

If I were in Jane Austen era, I would probably lose my chance to marry a true gentleman like Mr. Darcy! No men are such in favour of a young ignorant, intolerable woman!

Owh, I shouldn't be too hard on myself! *vanity flings*

Back to work, B!!!

errr, Owwwkkkkaaaayyyy.....

Till later!

-Miss B-

The Price of Ignorance

If only my regret can change everything all over again... sigh

A lecturer of mine once told us to keep a portfolio, for it would probably help us, especially in our future teaching practice.

Oh, to tell you one thing, there's something special about how things work in the uni where I'm studying now. They have " the Blackboard".

Blackboard is the uni's online site where students can access all the course-related materials uploaded by their lecturer. Yeah, student like me (who's so slow in writing) can benefit a lot from this site for we sometimes don't need to write down the notes given in lectures because they are all in the Blackboard. All we have to do is to enter the website (password's needed though) and Voila, the access to almost everything needed in the course! You name it, the readings, the lecture notes, the assignment info, etc... How convenient!!

But... (I always hate the "but" part)

As usual, I took it for granted.

I didn't care too much about it.

and yeah, I didn't really keep most of the lecture notes during the course because I thought that I could always go to the Blackboard, and read them straight from the monitor screen (i didn't even save them into my thumbdrive!). What I didn't know was I wouldn't be able to access all the notes+info once the course ended! That explains why my lecturer asked us to keep a portfolio in the first place, so it would save us from all sort of hassle in retrieving them back once we finish the course! But I didn't! How ignorant!

New semester begins, new assignments on the table.

As usual, they challenges me mentally, emotionally and physically!

But things would probably be different (and much easier, I supposed!) if I kept a portfolio during my previous course! I just realize it few minutes ago that the portfolio could probably have saved me from the misery of "I-don't-have-any-idea-what-I'm-gonna-write-about-in-this-assignment" syndrome! urgh!

Another lesson to be learned.

-Miss B-

I learned a tip from my current effective writing class: Proof-read your essay before handing it in. Another way of proof-reading is by reading it "backwardly" (from the conclusion to the introduction). Good luck, Me!

Pandora's Box

I felt like giving my back to the world.

My hatred roasted everyone.

My envy pursued them.

I was soaked into the darkness inside out,

left cold and numb.

I was left behind time.

I couldn't summon my energy back.

I was too weak to even stand.

I was defeated.

Heal me.

Hope, where art thou?

***

Inspiration just hit me to write such post. No, I'm not in distress.

I couldn't sleep. I miss Polar Bear and my family back home.

Life has been hectic lately. Test, assignments, lectures, expenditures, house-hunting (oh yeah, I'll be homeless next year unless if I find one. It's such a huge thing for me. It matters a lot.

and makes me think a lot too.

Have faith, me.

Your wish will be granted if you work hard...

-Miss B-

How?

I have been running in my whole life till life runs me...

I have forgotten how to seek solace in stillness...

Anxiety is my companion,

Trouble stalks me everywhere...

So I run...

I somehow believe that I was born to be an escapist...

I run and keep running till my lung hurts...

Suddenly the air becomes so stuffy...

I can't breath...

Numb. Blank. Cold. Meaningless.

How do we spell "J.O.Y"? "H.A.P.P.Y"?

I couldn't find them in my life's dictionary...

Hold me.

Hold me.

Please...

***

I wish I could lend a hand. Teach me.

-Miss B-

The Murky Winter Night

Hey you,

I'm sorry if the eddy has turned

you into a creepy creature...

Neither you nor me,

No one worths the blame...

It's storming outside,

and our umbrella has broken...

but we still have each other...

I'm sorry that it has to follow my flow...

Hopefully,

I'll be able to forgive you...

- Little E-

The Pen

I have been a story teller eversince I started talking.

Now I am a writer and I wish I will never stop.

The audience would be me.

Yesterday till today.

And even tomorrow.

-Miss B-

after so long...

I suddenly feel bad to everyone... I feel like I'm the most hypocrite ever...

All this while, I thought I was being sensible enough... but I wasn't...

I'm so sorry folks.

I never intend to be irrational.

I feel so ashamed of myself...

I should have stopped since ages ago!

and things now are getting worst...

If only there's something I could do to fix it...

-Miss B-

The Letter

Dear Lord,

Strengthen my faith and soften my heart so I commit my undivided trust into Your hand...

Help me to believe that You have everything planned and that there is none greater other than Your mighty work...

-Little E-

Step Up!

It's so strange to feel alone in a place that crowded by people. Sad but true, that was exactly the feeling that overwhelmed me for the last two hours.

No one was warm enough to greet me. There was one, but I guess I disgusted her with my inability to communicate well in her language. I could tell by the awkward silence between both of us when we supposed to break the ice.. Sorry Miss Stranger, I've tried my best!

Oh well, it's not that bad. As you can see, I'm still alive and now 'happily' reporting about just now incident. Just like Gloria Gaynor says in her song, "I will survive!!"

Hopefully my writing will get better. I learned today not to overload my sentence with nominalization. It's a term in linguistics. Google it yourself.

Ooh, one more thing is I just realize that I have a strong passion in Linguistics... for those who were annoyed with me for asking too many question in class, sorry! I just couldn't help it! Consider it as a bad luck for being in the same class as me. I pray that it somehow will help you in the future...

Till later!

-the exhausted Miss B-

Prepare for Glory! Come and Get it!

My friends told me that I have a great passion on knowing about royal family. I guess it kinda true because I am a huge fan of Philippa Gregory who wrote the bestselling "The Other Boleyn Girl" *clap*clap*

And now my passion is expanding to the ancient Greek story after watching "300" on the tv. Oh, for those who don't know about this movie, go Google it! For goodness' sake, it's Gerard Butler! (ooh, I could hear girls screaming!) To be fair to the guys, the gorgeous Lena Heady was casted to be Queen Gorgo, Leonidas' (Butler) wife in this action film.

I know, talking about "300" can be considered to be outdated since it was released three years ago. But it doestn't matter. I love the storyline (although I found it a bit dull in the middle), and most importantly, it gives me another reason to read (I have to improve my language and one way to do it is by extensive reading).

So yeah, to a MORE READING! Cheers, everyone! *toast*

-Miss B-

Too much of thinking can drive you crazy. (No joke)

I hate it when negative thougths occupy my mind. I hate it when I laugh with my friends, I pause, and think if the laughter's gonna last long. I hate being superstitious, believing that if one laughs, then he/she is gonna end up crying.

The fact that I'm typing about my hatred at the moment actually indicates that I'm being negative.

Because I always believe that hatred is a negative emotion in life. Weird, eh?

All these negative thinkings are enough to provoke negative feelings that can turn my life upside down. It's so much of misery and I'm not proud of it.

And now, I guess I'm in my bluess mood. It's so contradicting with the person I was about two hours ago, who was happily chatting and laughing with friends.

Don't hate me, Me. because it sucks.

I need some sense of approval.

-Miss B-

"Sorry seems to be the hardest word..."

Sometimes I feel like biting off my tongue for saying every word that should never come out from my mouth. It feels so stupid until I feel like banging my head over the wall so that the rational part in me would be awakened.

To console my guilt for being so egoistic, I told myself, "well making mistake is a part from being human. We do make mistake and hence we learn". I know it sounds like a selfish defence, but that's the only way to hearten myself from being an autophobic.

Sometimes it takes more than a simple "sorry"...

Too bad, we can't turn back the time...

-Miss B-

First Time

I guess I told you so many times and somehow it seemed as if I couldn't make up my mind. I have a lot of dreams but none yet seems promising enough to come true...

I want to be a songwriter. A cook. A poet. An author. A photographer. A guitarist. A singer. A linguistician. A pianist. A model (ha-ha!). A PHD holder. A psychologist. A business person. A journalist. A lot, I can go on and on when it comes to talk about what I want to be.

I don't know what the future holds, but I as far as I'm concerned, I'm a teacher-to-be.

I don't plan to be a great teacher. I just hope that I can help my children to learn, and to have more opportunity in pursuing their dreams... and hopefully they will help theirs at the future... and thus I know that the light of love that I have received earlier will be passed on and continue to be lit up among the next generation...

***

Oh, I am currently taking an effective writing class... By all accounts, it's kinda boring for we are going to learn the things that we have already learned earlier in the course... But Polar Bear told me that I should give it a try and learn how to improve my basic language skill. Plus, I've been yearning and sighing and looking for a way on how to improve my writing, especially the grammar part... Oh, looks like I have to expand my general knowledge since we will be required to write about general issues (looks like you have to do a lot of READINGS, B!)

*think positively*

Hopefully I learn something from this class.

Wish me luck.

-Miss B-

ps, I wish I could learn Korean language...

Dancing with Mr Trouble

Being emotional on the first day of school is so unCOOL!

I wish I can flush every negative feeling and thought into the toilet hole! (grossness is not intended!)

I suddenly feel so old, and my back hurts more and more...

sigh, Trouble is human beings' companion...

"shoo! shoo! go away" yet it's still coming back...

The question is how to live, and cope with it?

that's another thing to learn! oh well, I will never get enough of learning!

-Miss B-

Ouch, my tongue hurt!

I was born in a family who taught me to be a bilingual person.

I could speak my mother tongue fluently, and also the national language.

However, ever since I learned English, my "ability" to speak both former languages that I was always proud to say that I could speak them fluently kinda "backed away".

Ironically, my fluency in English is not considered to be good either.

Now I feel like I don't belong to any of the language...

How I wish I could speak English fluently, and at the same time retain my ability in speaking other language that I used to be good at...

-Miss B-

Kids, one thing you have to know about Miss B is...

I don't know why but I guess I have a new hobby.

... COOKING!!! not as in simply go to the kitchen and start mincing and frying (obviously, almost everyone can do that), but more to trying new recipe and learning about ingredients, like what it'll taste like if you put together this and that.

oh well, I'm just discovering my new hidden talent (don't faint, everyone!)

who knows, I can challenge Ramsey from the Hell Kitchen after this... *sound of a bunch of people ROLLING ON THE FLOOR LAUGHING*

-Miss B-

out of the shell

One thing I hate about myself is I get discouraged very easily.

Today was the very first time I went to look for a job on my own.

And I was rejected.

Maybe because I was not convincing enough. Or I was kinda skeptical when the lady in the job search center rained me with questions.

I was disheartened.

I had never been to such situation in all my life.

I felt stupid. I couldn't understand their language, so did they to mine.

I just realized how awful my communication skill was.

or maybe I was not used to their work culture.

or... maybe I was not ready yet. Ready to have a job and be an adult.

sigh, life's hard!

It was a good experience though...

I need more training.

-Miss B-

talking about grammar

I just realize that I have problem in describing things. My back hurt at the thought of it...

:(

I really need to improve my adjective register.

-Miss B-

Trial and Error

People are of different background, unique and never simillar.

We have our own values and beliefs, which may differ from others'.

But it doesn't mean others are bad if they are just happened to have different values than what we always have.

For me, as long as you don't harm others (physically, emotionally, spritually, intellectually, socially etc), you are free to practice your values.

But I do respect it if you don't mock mine, making me feel bad of what I do believe just because I stand on different opinion.

Maybe I even allow you to express your disagreement regarding my values behind my back (I understand that you couldn't help it, nor do I...)

I appreciate it that you're "concerned" about me. But once I'm so adamant with my action, especially after I reflect it from my own values and beliefs, I may appreciate it even more if you stay away from my bussiness (harshness is not intended)

Polar Bear always tell me to learn from mistake.

I'm learning to learn..

-Miss B-

"I wanna be a billionaire so frickin bad..."

I first read this poem by Geoffrey Chaucer in "Lap Me In Soft Lydian Airs" and I found it pretty amusing. I was kinda distress at the time for the amount in my purse is getting low!

This is the translation of "Chaucer Complaint To His Purse" into contemporary English that I found in the blog.

To you, my purse, and to no one else

Do I complain, for you are my true love.

I am so sorry that there is no weight in you

For you certainly give me such heavy grief

That I might as well be laid on my bier:

And so I fall on your mercy crying

Be heavy again, or else I must die

Now promise today, before nightfall,

That I may hear your wonderful sound

Or behold your colour, bright as the sun,

Of unequalled yellowness.

You are my life, you are the rudder of my heart,

Queen of ease and of good company:

Be heavy again, or else I must die!

Now, purse, that are to me my life's light

And saviour down in this world here,

Help me out of it through your power

If you prefer not to be my treasurer,

For I am as close shaven (i.e. skint) as any monk.

All the same I pray you , in your kindness

Be heavy again, or else I must die!

Reference:

Campbell-Howes, C. Top lines from Chaucer no. 3. Retrieved Jun 21, 2010, from http://lydianairs.blogspot.com/

***

And now I am reading it while listening to Bruno Mars' "Billionaire". Isn't life interesting? *smirk*

-Miss B-