Merry Xmas to everyone who celebrates it! May you be blessed with joy! Let's thank God for everything!
It's Christmas, and like I say, it's a time of love.
But I regret myself for couldn't get rid of hatred, disappointment, and all negative feelings that should never dwell upon the heart for a time like this.
While I was doing my laundry just now, my mind wandered and suddenly some faces appeared, like a slideshow in my head, and everything that they had done --> hurtful things, started to play on the big screen of my mental head... And those hurtful things, which once they did to me, cut me again. I cursed and cursed. Cursed at those people. Cursed at myself, who couldn't erase the memory.
It was not their fault entirely. Had I known how to behave back then, things might have been different. I admit that I have a problem with behavior too. I was proud (I'm not sure if I'm still one), and definitely I had problem in bonding with others. Maybe that's why everyone had problem with me. Maybe that's why they stayed away, and I learned to create my own 'safety pavement' --> I played with the same rule: stayed away from those who stayed away from me.
I really wish that I could erase those memories. And forgive those faces. God knows how hard I'm trying. And yet.
They say that time will heal, and erase all painful memory.
I beg Time to work twice better on me.
I want to start clean...
and celebrate this season with a joyful pure heart. without hatred. without those painful memory which urge me to take revenge.
Come in clean.
-Miss B-
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