It's dark and cold on the street, but we'll find a way home...

I must say, I have a huge fear in taking risk.
I always want to be looked up, respected and accepted.
I don't want to look stupid.
I don't want people regard me as a loser.
I want to be perfect.
As perfect as the brightest star in the sky.

One may laugh upon reading this.
I know it's ridiculous for nobody's perfect.
Yet, I work so hard and avoid every route that seems risky to be taken.

But today,
I broke one of the barriers.
I took the risk.
I went to ice-skate, without fear of falling onto the ground
or worry that people might laugh at me.
No, I didn't withdraw.
Instead, it seemed unbelievable when I shouted to my friends,
"come on, don't be scared! It won't hurt that much even if you fall onto the ground! You'll learn more!"
So, there I went... Skating on the slippery ice... I fell, I stood up again, skated, fell again, and the series went on for over and over...
Guess what??? withing the few hours, I managed to balance myself and skate better without stumbling much on the ground.
I was so excited.
I knew there were a lot of people around me, and they were probably looking at me... but I was not ashamed. Instead, I rose proudly every time I flapped over the floor. I laughed and had fun.

If only I learn how to laugh when I feel like I'm the biggest loser in the world, I probably would learn to find my way back. I probably would enjoy the "art of failure". Things would be much better.
Sometimes, we don't know how good we can be until we try over and over, even after a series of failure.
I wish I will learn from this.

-Miss B-

Random Things

There's no word to describe life.
I'm too busy thinking and regretting the missing part of my life.
"Wouldn't it be better if I have..."
a phrase, overheard for so many times

I forgot to treasure every single thing that I've been blessed with
I kept on asking God of the purpose of my life,
the reason of breathing in this world

I should have not fretted much
Everything has been planned
Why I can't just submit everything to the Big Guy up there to decide for me?
Why does it seem hard to accept the verdict He has determined for me?
Why does my heart worry all the time?

I have no answer for everything
I should live my life to the fullest
Learn as much as possible while it's still possible,
while I'm able to be capable...

-Miss B-

After all, I'm just a child...

Suddenly,

the image of a little house under the burning sun,

the smell of children's sweats running home from school,

the booming sound of radio from the house next door,

the texture of the wooden couch in the living room,

the taste of homemade ice cream,

dancing in my head

Tears are wetting the pillow,

I bite my lips hard,

to hold the sob,

to be strong...

I miss home...

-Little E-

The Ironic Me.

My Polar Bear told me not to run away from problem.
It's not easy. I've tried, but of no avail.
I know I give too many excuses.
The most ridiculous part is, I know exactly what my problem is, and I admit it (which takes a lot of courage because I have to lower down my egoistic nature), and yet I'm not ready to let go.
Polar Bear is worried about me.
I am too.
But my heart refuses to listen.
Although there is another noble option, I choose to run away.

Polar Bear asked me, "is this what you're going to teach your children?"
and I couldn't tongue any answer.
I'm caught.
I hate myself for being so irrational.
I feel like my logic is deceiving me.
I don't know what to believe or to hope for.

In fact,
I'm deeply hurt.
Sigh, if only I learn to keep a civil tongue in my head...

Dear children,
I'm not proud of being the way I am now.
Still I'm trying...
I hope you won't give up trying too...

-Miss B-

The Spoiler

It's been a while since I last showed up.
Sorry folks, kinda busy recently.
Well, life is still at moderate level, so far.
I'm trying my best to slow down the pace..
To catch up my breath...
It is a tiring race indeed.

And i hate it when I am overwhelmed with negative mindset.
I hate it when I am oversensitive over trifles.
So NOT cool!

Leave it, my tiny little soul insist.
But my heart is torn between the desire of the flesh and the pure little voice that trying to keep me on the track.
I'm burnt by rage...
and I'm blinded by unbearable circumstances...


To live means to choose.
I need to be still...
...to listen

-Miss B-

I know better that I'll be fine. :P

I am trying to catch up.

There's a lot of things to be done.

Yet I don't really feel the urge to do so.

My procrastinating switch has to be turned off.

*breathless*

ps, I have to concentrate more on the use of clauses. Noun clause especially.

Wish me luck.

-Miss B-

As tough as ABC...

I want to be the PERFECT GRAMMARIAN ever existed!!! Is it possible???

*Sigh*...

I wish I could learn English as natural as how I learn my second language almost perfectly...

I'm quite tensed at the moment...

I need my corn chips...

-Miss B-

I couldn't help but sighing...

Some people take things for granted. They only realize how valuable one particular thing is once they lose it.

I didn't behave well recently and now I'm scared Karma will strike again...

But everything happens for reason, if that "something" is not meant to be mine, then I have to let it go...

Ouch, I couldn't bear even to think about it...

It's really hurt...

But if that is the plan written for me, I will try my best to endure it...

***

Hey you,

I'm wishing the best for you...

Spin your wings, and fly to your destiny...

Be beautiful, because you'll always be in the eye of my heart...

***

Dear Abba,

No matter what the verdict is,

Please strengthen me...

Because in You alone I seek solace...

-Little E-

"Mirror mirror on the wall..."

Everyone is beautiful in their own way.
I am, in my own way.
He has recognized this since long time ago, even before my existence.

Thanks Abba...

:)













-Little E-

Voila, Miss B!

I hate it when I start to boast what I've done and what I haven't done for something. It makes me feel arrogant. But I just can't help it sometimes, especially when I feel unsecured and need to fortify myself. I never proud of that. Really.

Another thing is, I'm wearing my heart on my sleeve, but the most scary part is... I lose control over my emotion, as if being numb, paralyzed... It's like being happy, but I couldn't really feel that I was being happy, until I found myself laughing out loud and smiling the whole day. It's like being sad, but I couldn't really feel that I was being sad, until I found myself sitting silently in the corner with tears streaming on my cheeks. It's like being angry, but I couldn't really feel that I was being angry, until I found myself throwing things over the wall and looked stern in the mirror (which is so ugly! and never I will show that face to my children... hopefully!)

Sometimes when depression hit me, I couldn't really feel it until I found myself munching heavily on corn chips or dancing insanely with a glass of milk in hand, in the middle of night. It's just something odd, I know I'm strange.

But children,
I'm trying my best on improving myself, to ameliorate the human part of me.
I do make mistake and I'm not proud of it.
I'm learning for the betterment of life so one day when you talk about me, you know (and you could feel it) that you are proud of me.










-Miss B-

I am... a piece of a big jigsaw picture.

While enjoying my bar of chocolate just now, my mind was suddenly clicked when I thought about what a friend told me not so long ago. "We are created beautifully and wonderfully by God"

I wish I could go back to her and ask, if that's so, how come we could be so imperfect at one time, and make mistake? How come I find myself laughing with my friends at how silly one look like?

I don't know why, but it is as if I could hear one little soft voice, talking from deep inside of me, "Sometimes we do mistake, so others will notice and take note, and possibly correct us. That will make them learn as well. We are like a jig-saw puzzle, complementing each other so that at the end, when every piece is gathered, we would be hung on the wall as a perfect picture"

At the thought of it, I suddenly came to a realization that we are no greater than God. We need His grace in order to be beautiful. We need Him while we, human beings, are scaffolding each other because He makes all things beautiful in His time (Ecclesiastes 3:11)

I wish I will learn to accept people for what they are, so we can scaffold each other and be beautiful in Him. Try.

-Miss B-

Me...An Update

Life has been good so far...
I guess my hormone is getting more stable...
I smile at even a very little thing that I happen to pass by on the street,
I feel blessed.
For the first time in my life, I'm not ashamed with my language although I speak broken English most of the time. I know that I have to improve on my grammar and add up more vocabulary. And yeah, I'm constantly doing it now.

Another thing that I have to improve on is my time management.
Tasks are piling up on my table, yet I don't feel the urge to get them done. I just feel like stopping for a while, and take a deep breath. I want to feel every moment on my own. I want to rejoice for being survived and felt alive despite so many tantrums in life. I want to learn to walk steadily, without being shaken, without fear.

Still, there's a lot of things to be learned in other to reach the equilibrium of life.










-Miss B-

When I Look At You

I came across this song when I browsed the net this morning. It's Miley Cyrus' new single. I've never really been a fan of her songs but this one is different. It could be the message of the song, or the beautiful lyric, or maybe the melody... But one thing for sure, the song as if resembling the words of my tiny little soul to Him. Been so revived this pass few days... As if the world has retreated, it's just about me and Him. I praised, and I worshiped. Yet, the words are never sufficient to glorify His mighty work; He has done everything that no one would ever will to bear.

Everybody needs inspiration,
Everybody needs a song
A beautiful melody
When the nights so long

Cause there is no guarantee
That this life is easy...

Yea when my world is falling apart
When there's no light to break up the dark
That's when I,
I look at you

When the waves
Are flooding the shore and I can't
Find my way home anymore
That's when I,
I look at you

When I look At You I see forgiveness
I see the truth
You love me for who I am
Like the stars Hold the moon
Right there where they belong
And I Know I'm Not Alone.

Yea when my world is falling apart
When there's no light to break up the dark
That's when I,
I look at you

When the waves
Are flooding the shore and I can't
Find my way home anymore
That's when I,
I look at you

You appear just like a dream to me
Just like Kaleidoscope colors that
Cover Me, All I need every
Breath that I breathe don't you know
You're beautiful...


When the waves
Are flooding the shore and I can't
Find my way home anymore
That's when I,
I look at you
I look at you


And you appear Just like a dream
To me.
***

-Miss B-

Faith Like A Child...

I would never understand the mystery of Your Masterpiece...
Though how much I wish I would...
But, my tiny little soul insist to have faith..
A faith no bigger than a particle of dust...
Albeit as little as it is,
I wish to grow and be fruitful in You,
To Remain In You...

Water the seed of my faith,
Shine it with Your Blazing Sun,
May it grow according to Your Way...
and may others see the light too...
through the light that You give me via Your Darling Son...






You're the vine, Let me be one of the branches...








-Little E-

Worthy is The Lamb...

I am not a good follower...
Somehow on this special day...
I want to thank You for everything You've done...
For bringing salvation
and healing a broken soul like me...
Thank You for the cross, Lord
You deserve all the glory and praise...
I want to humble down myself and confide in You...
***



-Miss B-