Doubling Silliness

It's kinda funny reading my previous post and the one that I posted before that. You can really see the difference, one is so depressing while the other is trying to be funny. I don't know what I'm trying to manifest from this difference. (May I laugh? :P)

Maybe I should label my post so when people read them, they know when to laugh and when to mourn.

Sigh, the fact that I'm commenting on my own posts shows that I'm jobless at the moment. Well, I'm not that free actually, like I said earlier I have essays due tomorrow. But I just don't know how to start them.

If only ideas are balloons, I could probably slingshot one so I can accomplish my tasks.

-Miss B-

S.I.L.L.Y

Guess what, I really want to write something on this page.

But my writer's block hinders me. Excuses, I know. 

I think I'm being too ambitious by wanting to write something inspirational up here when my essays, that due tomorrow, are not done yet.

My face is oily, so does my hair. I need to take a shower, but I have just eaten so I have to wait for a while because I don't fancy flabby tummy (I heard that if one showers after meal, s/he will probably 'develop' the abdomen part horizontally -- if you know what I mean -- not sure if this is true). Hah, I'm actually trying to practice my joke. I'm getting lamer day after day, eh? Bear with me.

I just want to channel my silliness into something. No one can't afford to entertain me at the moment since everyone is busy with their assignments. Polar Bear has long gone to bed. My sisters may not be able to understand me. Plus, it's 10pm. They are probably asleep as well.  

Sigh.

-Miss B-

Being Hamlet

When I write up here, I wish to show you my plus point instead of my downside. I want to be affable, loved by everyone. I want to appear civil, so you can only picture good things about me. 

But I'm no angel. I'm too barbaric to be civilized. I'm struggling to live up to my values. My philosophy of life makes it even more difficult. Because it's hard to tell the line that differs the stance of being a darling and a jerk. Most of the time I caught myself standing in a position that I thought was the good side, without realizing that my other leg was actually stepping on the opposite. And when I became aware of it, it was far too late. The damage had been done. I was screwed to the fullest, with my life principles hammering my head. It was such a painful emotional punishment for my tiny little soul. I swear I could have gone mental.

Sometimes I wish I were the bad person. Easy ending, without much justification of what you've done. You don't need to weigh your deed. No need to relate it to any of your values. And when people talk about it, they'll simply say "because she's the bad person in the story". Like the antagonist in the action movie, whose story ends with either being shot or involved in a horrible crash. Boom, just like that. 

But it's too complicated. To choose being the bad person would be too simplistic. It's like being a simpleton. And there's no way my life would be that simple. Simple means no challenge, and no challenge does not promise learning when I've sworn to be forever a learner. It's just contradicting to the whole thing, to me.

In the end, I have to go back to the only option left: struggling in being human. I may not be the protagonist, but I'm definitely someone. Someone that you'll be beholden to. Because I'm a part of the story.

to be or not to be....

And I don't expect you to understand the whole thing. Just saying. 

-Miss B-

Me being excited

Been to cinema last night with my girlfriends to watch The Hunger Games. One word: AWESOME!
Of course, there was time when I found the book much better, but there were some additional parts in the movie too that made it breathtaking.
I couldn't help my eyes got misty when I watched the part where Rue was dying in Katniss' arms. It was definitely the same image in my mind when I was reading that part but I didn't get all teary that time. Maybe the one in the movie was so vivid. But I think it's all because Suzanne Collins herself is the screenwriter for the movie!

Okay, I think I should stop talking about the movie before I bore you to death. And yes, I should start doing my assignments instead > <

-Miss B-

I don't know why I get so upset. So upset that I can lock myself in the closet. No kidding.
I'm now in an excessive state of depression. I blame my oily hair. I blame my tired eyes. My head that keeps on thinking about everything. My lips for not smiling. In short, I blame myself.

I'm bogged down by assignments. Mountain of papers on my desk. I blame it as well.

I blame myself for putting them on hold till the very last minute. I blame my brain for getting tired so easily. I am blameworthy.

I'm so tired of blaming myself. So tired of feeling inferior, of unworthy. I have a long counseling session with Polar Bear just now. He was right the whole time. There's nothing that I can do to even doubt on the spec of his logic. Ineffable.

I hope he won't ever stop loving me. For what I am. For me being sans make-up. I, beyond human's eyes. The inner me. The little insecure being that trapped in a woman of 20s' body. The nerdy me. The easily frightened me. The sometimes-monstrous creature in me. The easily offended me. The culpable me. He's seen me in all forms. And yet, every time I get down on my knee, I pray that he who came in my life years ago won't ever cease being my man. My boy-turn-man. My partner in all circumstances. My Polar Bear. Despite of my talks on quitting my social life and becoming a hermit.

To the moon, I channel my negative thoughts, hoping that they are neutralized. Sigh.

or maybe, I just need to take a shower and have a bowl of instant noodle.. Others can wait.

-Miss B-

Sad but true..

I need to proofread my writing. I tend to indeliberately write a word in a sentence that should not be there and make it overused, like the use of 'the' before the pronoun 'it'. Or miss out a word when it should be there, like the absence of the word 'to' before any verb that I choose. Oh well folks, talk about Obligatory Analysis! But the fact is, I'm aware of the rules. The only thing that I'm not aware of is my silly technical mistake, which does not contribute to the effectiveness of my writing style!

But I do make non-technical mistakes, say in my syntax use. Ironically, I know the rules but I just don't know how to apply them. I've tried my best to improve this one. It's all in my tacit knowledge, somewhere in the brain. Now talking about knowing-the-rules-yet-don't-apply-them somehow makes me feel dreadful. I certainly have read about a lot of theories on teaching and know them. But now I'm scared I won't apply it. Unintentionally. What if I don't practice what I preach? I don't walk my talk?

I'm yet to find the solution for this. 

-Miss B-

Being bored when I suppose to be busy

If I describe myself with a sophisticated psychology term at the moment, it would be narcissist. Vain, you may say. But the truth is, even how much I regard myself to be good-at-nothing, I can't help but admire at how my thoughts are facilely in order sometimes although "Miss Eloquence" is never my sobriquet. Yes, I'm prone to re-read my previous entries in my blog, and then be delighted in my ability to reflect. Alright folks, I allow you a chortle now. Have my sense of humor increased? :P

So if you bother to read my previous post, you may find some editing here and there, like the fixing of grammatical error (if only it's fixable, and yeah I have no idea if 'fixing' collocates well with 'grammatical error'); and the additional lines of two or more just to clarify my points...

Oh yeah, I'm now home for holidays and I HEART it being here! My sisters are at my disposal, I can bid them to cook and feed me well *evil laugh*. Yikes, scratch that. It makes me sound despicable when the truth is I'm the most awesome person to hang out with (Owh-eim-gee, what happens to the "humble" Miss B??? Someone please exorcise this vain self of me out of, well, ME!)

Excessive of vanity, I better stop now. It's time to chill out with my darling sister (okay, that sounds a bit normal).  I'll write again soon, folks! Till then, be good! :)

Let's enjoy a photo of my Peeta that I've polaroid-ed. Not bad eh? :P

{Ok B, why don't you just admit that you miss him?}

-Miss B-

Just because

I finished reading the Hunger Games trilogy since last week but I still couldn’t get over it. Supposedly, I’m to read another novel that Polar Bear suggested, yet I caught myself relating every single thing in my life to those novels by Suzanna Collins. Like today, it suddenly dawned on me that Collins might have written the trilogy as a metaphor, something that resembles the real world. And since the story is actually meant for teenagers, she probably intends to warn them that adulthood is just like being in the arena. Everyone in the real world is tribute. And just like the tributes who kill each other in order to survive, we sometimes have to ‘shove’ others out of our way in order to stay on the line. And what makes it even sadder is sometimes we do it unintentionally. We are goaded by situation, and we act just to defend ourselves without realizing that by doing so we've cut down someone else's life support. We don't mean to be mean, situation makes us. It's like choosing whose neck to save, our own or others. It's like being the last tribute standing in the arena, a price on other tributes' heads.

Gone are the days when ice cream and toys are the only things that matter. Innocence has flown away long before we even realize it. Adulthood is an arena where one's survival matters the most. A place where paranoia becomes our bestfriend, where we unsheathe our weapon, ready to slit others’ throat before they have the chance to do so.  It’s a terrifying place; I wish I were still a baby. I don’t want to think about how scary the world can be. I don’t want to grow up yet. I want to chase butterflies and watch thousand rainbows; laugh with the people around me without worrying that they are pointing dagger at my back. The thoughts of being in ‘the arena’ make me relate well to Katniss’ fear of having children. She doesn’t want to start a family because she doesn’t want her children go through ‘the reaping’, a ceremony where tributes are chosen and sent to the arena. I couldn’t bear the thought of bringing up my children just to be drawn in the reaping, and then are sent away to be slaughtered. I’ve been asking myself, how could I protect my children when I myself, is barely surviving?

I wish I would be like Peeta, who fights to maintain his own identity; to keep his purity of self; to stay being human when the game turns him into some sort of monster that he’s not; to show that he’s more than a piece of the game.

It’s amazing how a novel turns me into some kind of philosopher that I never thought I am.

-Miss B-

Name, between the lines

I suddenly feel bad for calling Polar Bear Polar Bear. It doesn't suit his mature personality. I suddenly feel so child-like. It's so uncool for him. I've never thought about what his friends may think when they happen to read me, and find out about his nickname. But I don't really mind what others think. His view matters than anyone else. Even if he never complains about it. Sorry dear, I'll figure out a new name for you. Something that is you.

May I call you Peeta? :P Okay, I'm so into the Hunger Games trilogy recently. I've finished reading them and I can't wait for the movie to come out. The story goes around Peeta, Katniss, and Gale. I can't say much of Katniss, she is the main character in the story. Beside her misadventure, she was much caught up in her love triangle between Peeta and Gale. Although my first preference goes to Peeta, I must admit that Gale has won my empathy since the beginning. I could relate to him more, his independence and survival skills attract me. That makes him a man in my point of view. I saw Polar Bear in him, although Polar Bear likens himself to Peeta's characteristics more. But (warning: spoiler alert) it's not until the end that I grow fonder of Peeta. I think he fights for humanity more than Gale does. Gale's vengeance, although his reason is much influenced by the fact that his people being downtrodden, makes him a merciless person toward his enemy. Maybe that's why my fondness of him abated toward the end of the trilogy. I wish he's shown a bit of benevolence, just like what Peeta did to earn the first place in my preference list.

Okay, probably I should call you PeeGale (but it sounds like pig-ale, bad idea). Maybe I should stick to "Polar Bear" instead :P

-Miss B-