I don't want this innocent part of me leaves. Stay. Please

Sad story

I hate myself for being so sorry over things that no one would ever feel the same. I hate how people take advantage of other just because they are gullible. I hate how people being fake (although I am sometimes included). I hate being a working adult. I thought everyone is a nice person. No, no such thing happens. Is it about the people, or just me?

There's this someone I used to hang out with back in college. A nice chap, helpful, and friendly with the rest. But somehow he turned into someone of the total opposite over the years. Bitter, still helpful (but lots of weasel along the way), and I'm not sure if he's friendly anymore. Would workplace and workload change people? :-(

It's just sad.

-Miss B-

The tale of four walls.

Is it wrong to expect everyone to like me? I think I try so hard. Since my younger years, I've been always self-conscious. I found it difficult to fit in everywhere. I thought if I go to a new place, far from my hometown, I would be accepted.. that people would want me to be their friends. Don't get me wrong, I did meet some awesome friends and we got very close despite the fights and disagreement. They shaped me to be who I am now and I should thank them for it. Now, I'm on a new chapter where those friends who I've come to count on during rough times went to different paths. I don't get to see or contact them much. So when times like this come, where I yearn so much for a conversation, I found myself clueless. Facing the walls alone, even singing at the top of my lung wouldn't make me feel any better. I suddenly feel alone. Dumb, wordless, even 'lonely' seems too simplistic to describe the feeling.

When I was a teenager, I wanted to have a boyfriend because I though by having one I wouldn't be the odd one out... or even if I were to be one, it would be much bearable because I have a boyfriend to back me.

Maybe it would be better if I have an imaginary friend since the beginning. People would label me loony, but I wouldn't mind at all because I have someone to talk to...

-Miss_B-

Hey Hey!

Like usual, I only blog when I have workload waiting for me on my desk. There are tons of them.
Hey everyone, how long have I gone missing this time? I hope you're well.

I thought I've posted something recently. Yeah, on this page. But now when my mind was suddenly reminded of this page, I found out that my last entry was posted a couple of months ago. Oh well, I guess I blogged in my dream then.

How's life? Mine I think is okay. Im busy being a teacher, a daughter, a friend, a fiancee (yup, I'm one now, more on this later *wink*), and a human being. I still could't believe it that now I'm making my own money (though still struggling, thus sometimes resulting in my folks hand out few bucks to me). There are lots of things that I definitely need to learn, especially on financial management.

Is this length of scribbles enough for this entry? Well I hope I'll be more motivated to put up something  so this page won't be too dull.

I love you.

-Miss B-

Blessed is the name of the Lord!
In whatever circumstance... He'll be there along the way...

Have faith, Me! Every cloud has a silver lining!

-Miss B-

The pursuit of happiness

I think I'm not happy
I don't know how to
I want to be happy
Please tell me how to

What does it mean by being happy?
If smile is the gauge
Then everyone has no idea how wrong they have been
Because smile is the best defense
To hide the tears at heart
How beautiful a smile would be
How deceiving it could be

One could never tell, the person who smiles the sweetest suffers the most

***
Now she knows..
Aloofness that she has always yearned for kills...
***

~Miss-me-not~

When you believe...

Now is no longer considered as new year. In few weeks we'll step into the 7th month of the year.

At the beginning of this year, I knew little of what 2013 would be like. I was super excited because I would be finally graduating and taste the food that would be bought with my salary. I thought that starting this year I would have control over my own life. But this ideal picture that I had in mine was just a dream. In fact, if I could describe 2013 in an adjective it would be "helpless". A lot of things happened against my will and I couldn't do anything but to endure and try to survive.

But one thing I did realize when I reflected about these series of unfortunate events was my lack of faith. I was too arrogant and thought that I could carry my burden with my own strength. I forgot about the Big Guy Up There. He is probably watching me now, shaking His head and saying "You should have relied on Me".

To have more faith I should. To trust that every difficulty/helplessness that I'm facing now would lead to a better me, a better future. Therefore, never cease believing in Him.

~Miss_B~

Happy yeah yeah yeah!

I think today would be a great day because it's my first TEACHER'S DAY ever as one! To all souls who burn their midnight oil in order to bring another humble soul up from the darkness, Happy Teacher's Day.

To the person who taught me to read, I'm forever in debt to you. You might not teach in school, but you were a teacher to one.

Happy Teacher's Day :)

-Miss B-

It's gonna be alright.

I had a bad day. Well, not that the day has practically over (there's still a chance that the day turns out to be a great one), but up to this moment I'm not really on the mood. I feel lonely. I wish I could talk to someone about things that have happened earlier, and also my disappointment over them.

At work, I think I have a problem in fitting in. Don't get me wrong, I have a great bunch of people working with me and I even get closed to a few of them but sometimes I just feel awkward. Maybe I tried so hard to make them like me without realizing that I was actually scaring them away. Or maybe because I'm new and they need time to accept me the way they do to the others. I could tell that they are still on the 'barrier' zone where they are being polite and nice to me just like how you would treat a visitor from somewhere else. Perhaps I should guard my tongue, as in not to talk too much so I won't risk myself 'poking the beehive' by mentioning things that shouldn't be. But I should be friendly and generous with smiles. I remember a girlfriend told me a fact earlier that primitive people turned their mouth up to exposed their both upper and lower front teeth as an indicator that they meant no harm. I was actually called "Miss Cheerful" by few colleagues because I would never fail to smile whenever I met them.

After work, I would go back to the place where I'm renting now and endure the torture of the hot weather. I have a small fan to help me survive, but even the blow are most of the time hot. Thank God, He knew that I had a rough day earlier and therefore poured some rain to this place. It felt much cooler and I slept through the whole afternoon.

While preparing my dinner just now, I was suddenly stroke by a sudden pang of sadness. There was no water so I couldn't do the dishes. Therefore I just settled for a pack of instant noodle. While cooking, I looked around to ensure that there was no tokay gecko trying to slip in through the crack on the wall (more about this later). After that, I went back to my room and decided to have my meal there. Looking at my meal and thinking about eating it alone saddened me. I thought about my family at home, about how they would gather for dinner and enjoy it with each other. The thought made me feel homesick. There is no other place that I want to be at but home. I miss its comfort and warmth.

I know that there's something great waiting for me in the future should I continue this path. But to wait till the moment comes seems unbearable. I wonder how Mother Mary pulled through after everything that happened to her. We probably think how lucky it is to be chosen being the Mother of God, but we were not in her shoes when woes befell her. Imagine living in a society who condemned an unmarried woman expecting a baby, who was raised just to be seen suffering on the cross few decades afterward.

I wish I could pray like Jesus on the Mount of Olives right before He was arrested by the crowd.

"Father, if You will, take this cup of suffering away from Me. Not My will, however, but Your will be done" (Luke 22:42)

One would never be able to utter such prayers without courage. And I pray that I'll be courageous enough to pray those lines...

What might seem to be a series of unfortunate events may in fact be the first step of a journey (A Series of Unfortunate Events (film), 2004).

Hold on, B. It's going to be better soon.

-Miss B-

Talk about teaching :(

All this while I never believed in punishing children for their misbehaviour. But after going in few classes I started to think that maybe I should do so. Everytime I went out from the classroom, I felt restless and tired. My head ached, my heart too. I felt frustrated, and screaming at the top of my lung seemed a good idea. I just couldn't make my pupils listen to me or do the task that I'd assigned them too. I felt silly talking to the wall because they wouldn't heed me.

To add up to the list, I actually feel guilty for teaching English in the children's first language. When I first went in to one of the classes, I spoke English the whole time. However, little did I know that they would go to their homeroom teacher and complaint that they didn't want me to come in anymore because they didn't understand what I said. It was so demotivating. I know that limited first language usage is allowed but it seems that I've been using it excessively lately. And I'm also abusing the language because thinking in two languages at the same time is so tiring. So I ended up speaking broken English, blended in the children's first language. The first language that I use is not grammatically correct either. And don't let me start on my broken English. I'm an English learner myself, how would it help my learning if I don't practise it properly?

I was not appointed with any clerical work yet. Maybe I should just enjoy my freedom at the moment before more frustration load up.

Abba Father, help me.

-Miss B-

Another cycle of life

Sometimes when I'm frustrated about something I would write a poem about it. Alright, maybe not really a poem but more to expressing myself with words in a poetic way. However most of the time, my writings become sombre, more murky than happy. And it leaves ones depressed, just like the feeling you might get when you're walking along the street in winter. So cold, so dead, so vacant.
This is the time when I start yearning of sweet fragrance of spring. To see a glimpse of blossoms, a glimpse of hope.
***

I miss my college days. It's funny to feel this way when it just ended few months ago. Maybe I miss my friends. Working phase feels weird without the company of familiar faces, and what makes it even strange is that the fact that you're now an adult. Maybe I'm afraid of adulthood. Being an adult comes with responsibilities. Whatever you decide now must be thought carefully, or else you'll spend the rest of your life regretting over mistake that you did in the past.
***

So what is the purpose of this post? Well actually I'm writing to remind myself that despite the hardships and challenges (that comes one after another), I'm sure this season would pass. In order to experience glorious summer days, I have to endure cold winter nights. Just wait patiently, maybe a little while longer because good things come to those who wait.

-Miss B-

Keeping my chin up

Today, I some sort come to a realization that I shouldn't voice out everything that I feel. Mom advised me about this before. But I never understood until today. There are a lot of things that surely frustrate me but better be left unsaid. So, I vow to myself that I will keep everything at heart and not to mention it to anyone. Another thing is that I should just live my life the way it is and stop feeling sorry to myself for not living how I've thought I should have. Just live, wait, and see what comes next. Some things are beyond control, and we can't do anything about it. Like all this while, I've been too worried about my future and now I feel silly. Why should I waste my time worrying about life when I couldn't get out of it alive? It is a cliche, but there's truth between the lines.

Maybe I should invest my time in being positive. And enjoy life one at a time. Hardship surely comes, but positiveness surely help me to pull through. So bring it on, life. We'll see how long Miss B could survive.

-Miss B-

An Update

"I wanna scream and shout and let it out loud... and scream and shout and let it out loud... and say oh wee oh wee oh wee oh... and say oh wee oh wee oh wee oh"

Ok kids, life has been quite challenging for me. I did accept the job offer, and here I'm now writing from a distant place where nice folks live (thank God for that), far from home, a place where frugality must be practiced in other to survive.

I'm still trying to get used with everything, and I feel homesick all the time (boohoo!). My parents have done a lot of things in order to ensure that I enjoy my life here. They furnished my little rented room and drove around 300-400km every time they visited me. Mom even stayed with me for few days so I wouldn't starve myself to death or crying my heart out being alone in this new environment. Such a little brat, don't you think? But coming to this place has really opened my eyes to parents' commitment and sacrifice just to make sure that their precious daughter's future won't be at waste. I thank God for having parents who would go all out for their children. It's really a Parental 101 for me, though I'm not one yet. And my sister is also here with me now. She is going to accompany me until my housemate-to-be moves in next month. It's not that I'm scared to stay alone (I even protest to the idea of being accompanied, mind you), but it's nice to have someone there while you get accustomed to the surroundings. Again, I'm thankful for this.

Polar Bear is now a hospital intern and he works around the clock. Somehow I miss the time when we both were unemployed because we could spend all the time in the world together. I hope his crazy schedule will be over soon, and that he has more time for me. Yes.. I miss you! like a lot!! :C

I miss my girlfriends as well. Life won't be this hard if you guys are with me. We could laugh and cry together. Can't wait to see you again!

-Miss B-

.....

I feel I've aged tremendously these past few weeks. So old till I need someone to take care of me like a baby.
I feel so so old for everything. I think I need to feel pretty again. Old high-spirited me, come back. You're deeply missed.

-Miss B-

Quandry

I don't know but I suddenly feel not ready to grow up. All this while, I've been dreaming of making my own money, driving my own car, having my own crib, and so much more. And now that the opportunity comes, I suddenly freak out and feel like rejecting the post that was offered to me.

I'm afraid of many things. I'll be going to the place alone, living my life far from the comfort of home and loved ones. After so long being a stranger in foreign lands, I wish I could linger in my hometown for a little while longer. I'm not ready to leave. I feel insecure. I wish I were a toddler all over again, that when the world becomes too freaky I could always run to my parents' arms.

And Polar Bear. I thought that we won't be separated by distance anymore. Once again, life would bring us to where it is fated to be. I feel so helpless..

I don't know if I could do this. Pray that I do :-(

-MissB-

Better than naught

Hi folks!

I know, it's been too long! Gosh, I've nearly forgotten that I OWN this blog! Gosh me! Ya, me, moi!!! Please don't throw your sandwiches/rotten eggs/smelly socks/reeking stuffs at me!!

To make things worst, this post won't prove any entertainment or appealing updates that probably appease you. But thank you for dropping by  :)

Or maybe... mmm.. will my unemployment story makes your day? Yup, I'm still a housewifedaughter and I'm waiting for the letter that will "freed" me from my jobless days (or could it be the end of my freedom?)

Strangely, I love everything about being unemployed (except the fact that I had to ask from my parents for money every time I went out). Well, I'll pay them later!

Okay... actually I'm on a date with Polar Bear but instead of going for a romantic outing (now stop your "awwww"), I'm now listening to his rhythmic snoring. zzzzzzzzzzzzZZZZ

But don't you worry Dear, I love you still and will love you more soon when you get a post in the hospital nearby (especially on your pay day) :P

I think that's all so far.
xoxo

-unemployed Miss B-