How?

I have been running in my whole life till life runs me...

I have forgotten how to seek solace in stillness...

Anxiety is my companion,

Trouble stalks me everywhere...

So I run...

I somehow believe that I was born to be an escapist...

I run and keep running till my lung hurts...

Suddenly the air becomes so stuffy...

I can't breath...

Numb. Blank. Cold. Meaningless.

How do we spell "J.O.Y"? "H.A.P.P.Y"?

I couldn't find them in my life's dictionary...

Hold me.

Hold me.

Please...

***

I wish I could lend a hand. Teach me.

-Miss B-

The Murky Winter Night

Hey you,

I'm sorry if the eddy has turned

you into a creepy creature...

Neither you nor me,

No one worths the blame...

It's storming outside,

and our umbrella has broken...

but we still have each other...

I'm sorry that it has to follow my flow...

Hopefully,

I'll be able to forgive you...

- Little E-

The Pen

I have been a story teller eversince I started talking.

Now I am a writer and I wish I will never stop.

The audience would be me.

Yesterday till today.

And even tomorrow.

-Miss B-

after so long...

I suddenly feel bad to everyone... I feel like I'm the most hypocrite ever...

All this while, I thought I was being sensible enough... but I wasn't...

I'm so sorry folks.

I never intend to be irrational.

I feel so ashamed of myself...

I should have stopped since ages ago!

and things now are getting worst...

If only there's something I could do to fix it...

-Miss B-

The Letter

Dear Lord,

Strengthen my faith and soften my heart so I commit my undivided trust into Your hand...

Help me to believe that You have everything planned and that there is none greater other than Your mighty work...

-Little E-

Step Up!

It's so strange to feel alone in a place that crowded by people. Sad but true, that was exactly the feeling that overwhelmed me for the last two hours.

No one was warm enough to greet me. There was one, but I guess I disgusted her with my inability to communicate well in her language. I could tell by the awkward silence between both of us when we supposed to break the ice.. Sorry Miss Stranger, I've tried my best!

Oh well, it's not that bad. As you can see, I'm still alive and now 'happily' reporting about just now incident. Just like Gloria Gaynor says in her song, "I will survive!!"

Hopefully my writing will get better. I learned today not to overload my sentence with nominalization. It's a term in linguistics. Google it yourself.

Ooh, one more thing is I just realize that I have a strong passion in Linguistics... for those who were annoyed with me for asking too many question in class, sorry! I just couldn't help it! Consider it as a bad luck for being in the same class as me. I pray that it somehow will help you in the future...

Till later!

-the exhausted Miss B-

Prepare for Glory! Come and Get it!

My friends told me that I have a great passion on knowing about royal family. I guess it kinda true because I am a huge fan of Philippa Gregory who wrote the bestselling "The Other Boleyn Girl" *clap*clap*

And now my passion is expanding to the ancient Greek story after watching "300" on the tv. Oh, for those who don't know about this movie, go Google it! For goodness' sake, it's Gerard Butler! (ooh, I could hear girls screaming!) To be fair to the guys, the gorgeous Lena Heady was casted to be Queen Gorgo, Leonidas' (Butler) wife in this action film.

I know, talking about "300" can be considered to be outdated since it was released three years ago. But it doestn't matter. I love the storyline (although I found it a bit dull in the middle), and most importantly, it gives me another reason to read (I have to improve my language and one way to do it is by extensive reading).

So yeah, to a MORE READING! Cheers, everyone! *toast*

-Miss B-

Too much of thinking can drive you crazy. (No joke)

I hate it when negative thougths occupy my mind. I hate it when I laugh with my friends, I pause, and think if the laughter's gonna last long. I hate being superstitious, believing that if one laughs, then he/she is gonna end up crying.

The fact that I'm typing about my hatred at the moment actually indicates that I'm being negative.

Because I always believe that hatred is a negative emotion in life. Weird, eh?

All these negative thinkings are enough to provoke negative feelings that can turn my life upside down. It's so much of misery and I'm not proud of it.

And now, I guess I'm in my bluess mood. It's so contradicting with the person I was about two hours ago, who was happily chatting and laughing with friends.

Don't hate me, Me. because it sucks.

I need some sense of approval.

-Miss B-

"Sorry seems to be the hardest word..."

Sometimes I feel like biting off my tongue for saying every word that should never come out from my mouth. It feels so stupid until I feel like banging my head over the wall so that the rational part in me would be awakened.

To console my guilt for being so egoistic, I told myself, "well making mistake is a part from being human. We do make mistake and hence we learn". I know it sounds like a selfish defence, but that's the only way to hearten myself from being an autophobic.

Sometimes it takes more than a simple "sorry"...

Too bad, we can't turn back the time...

-Miss B-

First Time

I guess I told you so many times and somehow it seemed as if I couldn't make up my mind. I have a lot of dreams but none yet seems promising enough to come true...

I want to be a songwriter. A cook. A poet. An author. A photographer. A guitarist. A singer. A linguistician. A pianist. A model (ha-ha!). A PHD holder. A psychologist. A business person. A journalist. A lot, I can go on and on when it comes to talk about what I want to be.

I don't know what the future holds, but I as far as I'm concerned, I'm a teacher-to-be.

I don't plan to be a great teacher. I just hope that I can help my children to learn, and to have more opportunity in pursuing their dreams... and hopefully they will help theirs at the future... and thus I know that the light of love that I have received earlier will be passed on and continue to be lit up among the next generation...

***

Oh, I am currently taking an effective writing class... By all accounts, it's kinda boring for we are going to learn the things that we have already learned earlier in the course... But Polar Bear told me that I should give it a try and learn how to improve my basic language skill. Plus, I've been yearning and sighing and looking for a way on how to improve my writing, especially the grammar part... Oh, looks like I have to expand my general knowledge since we will be required to write about general issues (looks like you have to do a lot of READINGS, B!)

*think positively*

Hopefully I learn something from this class.

Wish me luck.

-Miss B-

ps, I wish I could learn Korean language...

Dancing with Mr Trouble

Being emotional on the first day of school is so unCOOL!

I wish I can flush every negative feeling and thought into the toilet hole! (grossness is not intended!)

I suddenly feel so old, and my back hurts more and more...

sigh, Trouble is human beings' companion...

"shoo! shoo! go away" yet it's still coming back...

The question is how to live, and cope with it?

that's another thing to learn! oh well, I will never get enough of learning!

-Miss B-

Ouch, my tongue hurt!

I was born in a family who taught me to be a bilingual person.

I could speak my mother tongue fluently, and also the national language.

However, ever since I learned English, my "ability" to speak both former languages that I was always proud to say that I could speak them fluently kinda "backed away".

Ironically, my fluency in English is not considered to be good either.

Now I feel like I don't belong to any of the language...

How I wish I could speak English fluently, and at the same time retain my ability in speaking other language that I used to be good at...

-Miss B-

Kids, one thing you have to know about Miss B is...

I don't know why but I guess I have a new hobby.

... COOKING!!! not as in simply go to the kitchen and start mincing and frying (obviously, almost everyone can do that), but more to trying new recipe and learning about ingredients, like what it'll taste like if you put together this and that.

oh well, I'm just discovering my new hidden talent (don't faint, everyone!)

who knows, I can challenge Ramsey from the Hell Kitchen after this... *sound of a bunch of people ROLLING ON THE FLOOR LAUGHING*

-Miss B-

out of the shell

One thing I hate about myself is I get discouraged very easily.

Today was the very first time I went to look for a job on my own.

And I was rejected.

Maybe because I was not convincing enough. Or I was kinda skeptical when the lady in the job search center rained me with questions.

I was disheartened.

I had never been to such situation in all my life.

I felt stupid. I couldn't understand their language, so did they to mine.

I just realized how awful my communication skill was.

or maybe I was not used to their work culture.

or... maybe I was not ready yet. Ready to have a job and be an adult.

sigh, life's hard!

It was a good experience though...

I need more training.

-Miss B-

talking about grammar

I just realize that I have problem in describing things. My back hurt at the thought of it...

:(

I really need to improve my adjective register.

-Miss B-

Trial and Error

People are of different background, unique and never simillar.

We have our own values and beliefs, which may differ from others'.

But it doesn't mean others are bad if they are just happened to have different values than what we always have.

For me, as long as you don't harm others (physically, emotionally, spritually, intellectually, socially etc), you are free to practice your values.

But I do respect it if you don't mock mine, making me feel bad of what I do believe just because I stand on different opinion.

Maybe I even allow you to express your disagreement regarding my values behind my back (I understand that you couldn't help it, nor do I...)

I appreciate it that you're "concerned" about me. But once I'm so adamant with my action, especially after I reflect it from my own values and beliefs, I may appreciate it even more if you stay away from my bussiness (harshness is not intended)

Polar Bear always tell me to learn from mistake.

I'm learning to learn..

-Miss B-

"I wanna be a billionaire so frickin bad..."

I first read this poem by Geoffrey Chaucer in "Lap Me In Soft Lydian Airs" and I found it pretty amusing. I was kinda distress at the time for the amount in my purse is getting low!

This is the translation of "Chaucer Complaint To His Purse" into contemporary English that I found in the blog.

To you, my purse, and to no one else

Do I complain, for you are my true love.

I am so sorry that there is no weight in you

For you certainly give me such heavy grief

That I might as well be laid on my bier:

And so I fall on your mercy crying

Be heavy again, or else I must die

Now promise today, before nightfall,

That I may hear your wonderful sound

Or behold your colour, bright as the sun,

Of unequalled yellowness.

You are my life, you are the rudder of my heart,

Queen of ease and of good company:

Be heavy again, or else I must die!

Now, purse, that are to me my life's light

And saviour down in this world here,

Help me out of it through your power

If you prefer not to be my treasurer,

For I am as close shaven (i.e. skint) as any monk.

All the same I pray you , in your kindness

Be heavy again, or else I must die!

Reference:

Campbell-Howes, C. Top lines from Chaucer no. 3. Retrieved Jun 21, 2010, from http://lydianairs.blogspot.com/

***

And now I am reading it while listening to Bruno Mars' "Billionaire". Isn't life interesting? *smirk*

-Miss B-

random thought

Weirdly enough, I tend to feel down whenever my birthday is coming. No, not because I am afraid of not getting any wish or present, or scared of getting old. It's simply because: yo, I'm getting older but I am not as accomplished as others.

The feeling sucks. I feel like I am a waaaaayyy behind others. Most people of my age have already reached a level of life where they are on control of it, being adult.

May be I envy them.

I have no idea.

and that makes me even scared of my future.

I feel like a loser. I feel like I would never grow up.

That I would be stuck in my uneventful life forever.

But, no one could tell what the future holds.

I'm about to discover it myself.

I'm now learning to have faith. and to plan.

I need to be practical.

I have a lot of pending dreams.

I wish soon, my star will shine brightly.

-Miss B-

Reminder

"So don't worry about tomorrow; it will have enough worries of its own. There is no need to add to the troubles each day brings..."

~Matt 6: 34~

Learn to have faith, Me...

-Little E-

"This world keeps spinning faster into a new disaster"

I would love to write something cheering for this post...

It has been quite murky lately.

I woke up, finding it was quite cloudy outside...

I guess winter sombre has really hit me.

I was kinda crushed, pummeled.... (okay, that's a bit of hyperbole there, lol!)

I miss home, and miss Polar Bear...

I hate to admit it but yeah, I am lonely.

My darling friends asked me out this morning, but I was too sleepy and demotivated to get up and thus I turned down their goodwill.

As a result, here I am... in my empty dimly room, wrapped in blanket, wishing that this gloomy feeling of mine will finally turn into something gleeful...

So, I spent my entire morning watching youtube and I found Lady Antebellum's video clip for their song entitled "I Run To You" (yeah, go Youtube it!)

I kinda like the little story in the clip. A little girl puts some cash on a busker's guitar case. The busker later on happens to help a guy to pay for his coffee. The story goes on when the guy (whose coffee was paid by the busker) helps a woman to pick up her files that fall all over the floor after bumped by someone. While waiting for (presumably, bus), the woman gave her seat to the little girl (who in the beginning, helps the busker) and her mother.

It's as if watching how kindness is passed in a cycle. It's soothing to think how your little act of kindness helps others, and probably at last, will come back to you.

It makes my day. Thank's Video Clip!

-Miss B-

The Needed Soul

This song by Lady Antebellum, says it all...

everything in my mind that left unspoken...

I'm sorry for being too fragile...

I thought I was strong, but I was wrong...

Need You Now

Picture perfect memories scattered all around the floor

Reachin' for the phone 'cause I can't fight it anymore

And I wonder if I ever cross your mind

For me it happens all the time

It's a quarter after one, I'm all alone and I need you now

Said I wouldn't call but I lost all control and I need you now

And I don't know how I can do without

I just need you now

Another shot of whiskey can't stop looking at the door

Wishing you'd come sweeping in the way you did before

And I wonder if I ever cross your mind

For me it happens all the time

It's a quarter after one, I'm a little drunk and I need you now

Said I wouldn't call but I lost all control and I need you now

And I don't know how I can do without

I just need you now

Guess I'd rather hurt than feel nothin' at all...

It's a quarter after one I'm all alone and I need you now

And I said I wouldn't call but I'm a little drunk and I need you now

And I don't know how I can do without

I just need you now

I just need you now (wait)

Ooo, baby, I need you now

***

Suddenly, the distance strikes me so hard...

-Little E-

Nothing Last Forever

I love wrapping myself with the blanket on the bed...

...because it smells just like you...

I love sitting on the chair, looking at the computer screen...

...because it's as if listening to your voice criticizing how bad my lappy is...

I love singing...

...because it's as if seeing you frowning, asking me to stop singing because you want me to be quiet...

I suddenly love all of these,

because I hate it when you have to leave,

and I, wondering when am I gonna see you again.

Call me kiddo,

but I just hate goodbye.

-Little E-