Light the burden

I wish I could describe myself as 'fun' and 'easy-going'. That when you read my post, you'll laugh at my joke, but nod at the same time for you somehow find it wise.

When I scrolled down my page, I just found a dull creature who thinks and questions so much as if the world has come to an end. Too serious (gulp, me???), or maybe just a pesky who frets and worries over trifles. Silly.

I received an email from a friend lately about how to start a new chapter. A fresh beginning, and of course, a better life. I must say that at the end of it, it asks people to be positive. Positive --> is like an antonym word if you're to describe me. Polar Bear told me that one of the reasons he didn't read my blog is because it's too crowded with negativity. It's too complex, and doesn't suit his light and ebulient world. I live in a different dimesnsion, which contrasts his. I would not be surprised if he had been burnt long before he reached my world. What keeps him going is still a mystery, which would never be solved even by Sherlock Holmes.

But I love thinking myself as a survivor. Everyday is another day to survive on. To fight and to struggle. To survive. and of course, to learn.

sigh, I'm being too serious again. Maybe I should cartoonize my blog.

-Miss B-

Scale

I guess I would love it much if I'm suddenly struck by ideas and then start writing. Like 'bang! bang! bang!' and there it goes, a post published in this site.

Idea reaches me once in a blue moon, especially when I'm so overwhelmed with emotions -- which are often sulky and gloomy. Maybe that explains why most of my posts are intense with melancholy.

I’m sure you could tell that I was really subjected to inner conflict recently. I have questions, and I demand answers. When my mind couldn’t digest it, frustration would hit me. Some of you might suggest me to pray. To talk to Him. I want to, really. But I couldn’t find the way out. I reckon my logic sometimes hinder my spirituality. I try to seek answer, I debate, and I weigh both right and wrong.

I have such a trouble time explaining to Polar Bear why I want to devote myself to Big Daddy so much. Polar Bear is a free thinker who believes in God but refuse to submit to religion. He has his own idea about the whole thing. He told me that religion is sometimes influenced by politic, that some people are more to 'glorifying' themselves instead of God. And it makes him sick. So he stays away. How I wish I could rebut his point. And yet.

For some reason, it seems that I couldn’t conclude this entry well. Maybe because I haven’t found the answer yet. Maybe I was blindfold by my own logic. I don’t know.

-Miss B-

It struck me again

I admit that I complain a lot lately. A lot that I'm sure if you read this you'll feel like shouting out loud asking me to stop. But I can't help it. I'm sorry.

I didn't talk to Big Daddy for so long. Even if I do, I feel it doesn't suffice enough and more to superficial. I don't mean to be hypocrite. I don't want to. And I do realize that I become an empty vessel day after day. I feel void deep inside of me, and I couldn't talk to anybody about it. It's just too complicated that no one would understand. So I decide to keep my mouth shut, and refuse to talk about it.

Sometimes I could feel that He talks to me in my thinking. Why? Because I could feel myself shivering when I think how wrong I am, and that thought-- it's like a vision to me, correcting myself. There's a lot of time when I think how great He is. He's probably silent, but I'm sure He's watching. Watching, and seeing His plan unravel the mystery itself. He's indeed a sage. There's no match of His wisdom. He does thing in a strange way which unfathomable by humans' minds, and I never doubt it.

What irritates me sometimes is those who think that they know Him so well. Maybe I'm jealous because I have no such ability. I don't really know Him. There's a lot about Him that is still left mystery, and I really wish I could understand one day. Like why He creates me this way. You might want to tell me that I'm a wonderful creation, that I've been made in His own image. You might also want to tell me to be grateful. Well, I should. And yet.

You know another thing that annoyed me? Those who of the thought "I'm holier than thou". They make me feel small. Inferior. They justify everything that I do using their law which they claim to be GOD's. My dad always tell me the most unlawful deed is when you kill others. One shall not murder others. Because lives belong to Him. Then why now those people want to 'kill' me by telling me that I've done God wrong, that I'm sinful against Him? Why can't they save such "so-called" advice for themselves? I'll seek advice, but I don't welcome those who'll force their mentality to me. I have my own mind, why don't they let me use my own logic?

I'm waiting to be revived again.

and also, to forgive.

-Miss B-

Let out everything

I want to write again. I'm overwhelmed with anger. I hate myself for being so timid, and that people could talk to me condescendingly. I let them, and I let myself get hurt. I may have already forgiven them, but it's so difficult to forget everything that they've done to me. I pray that I will never do others the way they had to me.

I'm always ridiculed in my life. Even the way I talk, what I talk, and whom I talk to. Why? What have I done against them? I can't breathe, it pushes me so hard I could never be tranquil but to avenge. But that would be the last thing I want to do.

Calm down, dear heart... Calm down...

Dear mind, you have better thought to think of other than that...

I need to forgive...

To forgive and to completely forget.

-Miss B-

I was thinking again

I will never get done with thinking. It's in the air that I breathe every morning.

I've been thinking a lot. And most of the time, thoughts come with different feelings. Different emotion. Jealousy is one of them. So do pride, fear, sorrow and so on...

I would like to write them out. Give them breath, bring them alive, and let them shout. They're all in me. Once in a while, I get the chance to use them in my debate with Polar Bear. But most of the time, I lost.

I will write them down. I may also become a hermit. I don't know.

-Miss B-

Butterfly flies away

Give me a reason to be grateful because I swear I've become a green-eyed monster day after day. I envy those who have achieved so much in such a young age. I wish I could be like them too. No, I want to be them...

I suppose it's all because of vanity. I was vain (I hope I'm no longer one), and I thought that I was better than everybody else, and when I heard someone had achieved more than I have, I started to feel pins and needles all over my body. How could that be so?

I wish I could be more grateful. Polar Bear told me that I have a lot of reasons to be thankful to be what I am today... that everyone has been bestowed with different gifts, and they will shine in their own way, in their own time.

I'll be beautiful, when the time comes.

-Miss B-

Fresh Start.

Happy New Year 2011, folks!

Was quite busy the last few days+slow internet connection made me to 'postpone' my post.

It's a new year, another different chapter. A blank page that will be written with new stories, new tales. I remember when I was in my primary school, I would receive greetings card from my friends (long time ago, before the existence of SMS).

It was always written something like this:

"Dear B, Merry Christmas and Happy New Year! What's you new resolution?"

New resolution. My cousins and I could speak the whole night about it (I normally spent my Christmas+New Year with them)

We would talk about the previous year resolution, whether it has been achieved or not.

And also the new one, and its reason, and how it would be achieved.

That was the story of the good old days. Recently, Polar Bear asked me the same question.

"What's your new resolution?"

I read a friend post recently. According to her, one does not need to wait for a new year to change (I suppose it means changing from bad to good), if you're ready, why not?

Thus, I conclude that, everyday is a new day. You can even regard it a new year. And of course, you can always have your new resolution. If you think that it's the time for you to pursue your dream, say to become a singer, then go for it. If you think that you need to work hard for your assignment, then get it started today. If you think that it's the time for you to be nice and friendly to people, then start smiling to the next person that you meet. You don't need to wait till the new year to make a resolution and think about how you're gonna fulfill it. Do it now, walk the talk (that you have in your head) now.

It's your story that you are about to write. What, Who, Why, Where, When, How. It's all up to you.

-Miss B-