It struck me again

I admit that I complain a lot lately. A lot that I'm sure if you read this you'll feel like shouting out loud asking me to stop. But I can't help it. I'm sorry.

I didn't talk to Big Daddy for so long. Even if I do, I feel it doesn't suffice enough and more to superficial. I don't mean to be hypocrite. I don't want to. And I do realize that I become an empty vessel day after day. I feel void deep inside of me, and I couldn't talk to anybody about it. It's just too complicated that no one would understand. So I decide to keep my mouth shut, and refuse to talk about it.

Sometimes I could feel that He talks to me in my thinking. Why? Because I could feel myself shivering when I think how wrong I am, and that thought-- it's like a vision to me, correcting myself. There's a lot of time when I think how great He is. He's probably silent, but I'm sure He's watching. Watching, and seeing His plan unravel the mystery itself. He's indeed a sage. There's no match of His wisdom. He does thing in a strange way which unfathomable by humans' minds, and I never doubt it.

What irritates me sometimes is those who think that they know Him so well. Maybe I'm jealous because I have no such ability. I don't really know Him. There's a lot about Him that is still left mystery, and I really wish I could understand one day. Like why He creates me this way. You might want to tell me that I'm a wonderful creation, that I've been made in His own image. You might also want to tell me to be grateful. Well, I should. And yet.

You know another thing that annoyed me? Those who of the thought "I'm holier than thou". They make me feel small. Inferior. They justify everything that I do using their law which they claim to be GOD's. My dad always tell me the most unlawful deed is when you kill others. One shall not murder others. Because lives belong to Him. Then why now those people want to 'kill' me by telling me that I've done God wrong, that I'm sinful against Him? Why can't they save such "so-called" advice for themselves? I'll seek advice, but I don't welcome those who'll force their mentality to me. I have my own mind, why don't they let me use my own logic?

I'm waiting to be revived again.

and also, to forgive.

-Miss B-