My Polar Bear is a year older!

I think it's passed 12 am in Sydney now... So, I want to wish my Polar Bear

A VERY HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!

Balloons fly, Fireworks boom!!! I hope you'll have a wonderful day dear. I'm so sorry for I'm far from you, I can't be there while you blow your candles, but rest assure that there's someone here who is thinking of you all the time! Hugs and kisses blowing!!! A year older and I'm sure you're much wiser! :P

-Miss B-

The F word again!

Hi folks! It's 29 February of 2012. Hopefully you've had a good day! I've been busy with classes, and just found out about our workload three weeks from now. Busy busy busy!!!

I'm trying to relax my mind by thinking about these..............

sweet creamy pulps of Durian... claimed to have fetid smell, but for me that's its plus point! yummy!

A blend of sweet and sour taste will tingle your taste buds!

Ok, now I'm homesick.

Ps: It's Polar Bear birthday tomorrow! Woohoooo!!!

Countdown starts now. :P

-Miss B-

The gardener's daughter

Last holiday, I joined my parents and sisters to our lea (I can't really describe what the place is called, it's more than a garden, but less than an estate). This is a place where we grow our rubber trees and plant our hill paddy. It's located not too far from my house, but due to the hilly, narrow path, the journey seemed so long. I wore my brother's old long sleeve shirt (not really a fashion item) to cover my skin from preying mosquitoes and other insects who were surely anticipating a feast the moment we pass their habitat. It was freaking hot, the tropical climate really 'welcomed' me. I was sweating the minute I stepped out of the house.

The trip was a bit tiring but fun. I enjoyed seeing the scenery, but not the bugs or mosquitoes that were hovering over me. Mom even gave me a chance to have a go at using her machete, that we normally use to clear bush that grows along our rubber tree.

That is my sister who was trying to avoid my camera :P.

-Miss B-

Rain rain go away~~

It's been raining since two days ago. There's just something about the weather that I myself can barely understand. The feeling of loneliness, longing for presence, where my heart aches for the faces of my loved ones. I want to see them so badly. To let them know how watching the droplets through my window leaves me in cold, because I'm off of their warmness.

I miss cuddling my little sister when she's sleeping while the rain is still pouring. I miss singing at the top of my lungs with my other sister while we suppose to prepare afternoon tea. The noise from our throat is normally drowned out by the loud sound of thunder, and that just mounts up our excitement. Often my mom would come and stop us, wondering what made us so happy when it rained cats and dogs outside. Just so you know, a day raining means a day off for rubber-tapping. No rubber-tapping means cutting down the source of income for most tappers.

I miss Polar Bear so much, too. He enjoys the sound of rain that lulls him to sleep. With my fingers in his palm, he dozes slowly to his dreamland. I miss seeing his serene face while he's asleep, feeling his breath on my hand, and listening to his heartbeat which somehow gives me a sense of security. I feel loved, needed, and it's impossible for thousand years to negate how much I feel about him.

Hopefully the sun comes shining later in the afternoon. I can't afford being melancholic the whole day.

-Miss B-

Everybody looks to the right, everybody looks to the right...

If you notice, I always blog about financial matter. Even my previous post discussed the same thing. Well, I hope I didn't bore you, because I'm so gonna talk about this topic again in this very entry. So, buckle up.

I've understood since forever that money doesn't grow on a tree. And I always know how hard it is for my parents to earn every single cent that I'm using now. I'm actually grateful because I manage to be in a scholarship programme where I'm given monthly allowance by my sponsor. This is something that most people out there would die for (ooh, sounds like The Devil wears Prada!). But still, I seem to be bounded with financial problem. I mean, it's not like I'm in arrears where people are after me for my debt, no no... One thing that I hate the most is to owe people. But sometimes I can't help it, say if I forget to bring my money or I have no small change for the cashier at the counter, I surely ask my girlfriends to lend me few notes. But then I make sure to pay straight away afterward or else I'm going to forget (and I hate it when I forget that I owe others money).

Well, that's not the real problem. My problem lies on the fact that money slips away so easily. Say if I withdraw 100 bucks today, by the third day I'd be desperate to withdraw more. Money always goes away. And I hate myself for not having control on it! I'm the total opposite of my parents and Polar Bear. These three people are so good in handling their financial matter. And as someone who is so close to them, I can't help but feeling embarrassed because I don't have such talent in money handling.

When it comes to spending, I have a tendency to buy cheap products because I always feel guilty of spending much on something. But the problem is, cheap products sometimes are of low quality. Just like the optical mouse that I bought this morning. I was actually happy when I found it and bought it straight away. It costed less than usual. But when I went home and tried it on Mike, it lasted only for 15 minutes before its red light turned off, and sayonara me! Urgh!

There you go, Me. You've just wasted more money on crap...

Sigh, I hope I'll be able to improve this next time.

-Miss B-

Talking about the F word.

I have no fashion sense. Maybe because fashion sense always demand me to spend money more. My mom always told me that she's better than me when it comes to dressing. Dad's choice sometimes is too fancy for my moderate style. While Polar Bear called my fashion sense odd when I pointed at one dress once.

Well, I'm actually more comfortable to come up with jeans and T, but sometimes it doesn't suit the occasions that I attend. I'm still looking for myself, something that is ME, presentable but doesn't require much spending; which I've understood long ago difficult to find.

Maybe that's one of the reasons I can't wait to make my own money. So I can come up with something that is me, without feeling guilty to be a spendthrift daughter, without worrying what people think about me if I were to wear this or that dress. I don't mind trying something new, although some may perceive it a total disaster. It's all about confidence, I say. And this probably can boost up my confidence. I look up at those who are daring enough in expressing themselves. Well, people called Lady Gaga and Katy Perry queer once, and now they set the trend.

Being an adult is not easy. Sometimes I wish I were still a baby, do whatever you want to do, be it crying or laughing, people still find it adorable. Sigh.

-Miss B-

The Voice

Well, not everyone knows that I have a huge stage fright. I'm unconfident and always think of the worst to happen (Polar Bear, since forever).

And tonight, I'll be up on stage for a performance. I'm going to sing with my friends' band, something that I should thank them for trusting my ability in performing with them. I was in a rehearsal few hours ago. It didn't turn out too bad, but there's a lot of aspects that I can improve on. Plus, my throat suddenly became sore two days ago, leaving me with 'now-you're-here-now-you're-not' voice. I couldn't sing well since then. And I'm worried about tonight. I desperately need my voice back.

My friends will be there watching me tonight. And I don't want to put them down. They have been supportive since the beginning. I hope I'll manage to reach every note, and maybe even attempt a big finish. But I don't know, it all depends on how my voice sounds tonight. Finger cross, hopefully everything will turn alright.

Pray for me, folks!

-Miss B-

My heart is a no-open page.

My darling Polar Bear has actually admitted that he's following my blog. Stalker! :P

So I have to be discreet in my choice of words or anything that I put up here, or else he might get sulky... :P :P

I'm just joking dear! And this post is dedicated especially for you. Thank you for reading me despite the risk of getting hurt, because I'm not a sage when it comes to 'pouring-heart-content'. You know how emotionally challenged I am, something that I have to improve and learn a lot from you.

If Adam Levine and Gym Class Heroes' hearts are stereos, mine would be a no-open book.

A book, that I pray you'll never get tired of reading.

Yes, I'm still learning on how to make my 'plot' interesting, and thus I know it'll be hard for you to keep up. But I thank you for your perseverance, for your patience, and for never give up on me.

So darling read me close, be my scholar.

Let's graduate together :)

-Miss B-

the story of my 10 bucks

I always hate the fact that I tend to lose my stuffs easily, be it money or just a hair clip. Thus, when I read about one of the symptoms of ADHD is the tendency to lose thing easily, I started to imagine that I'm probably suffering from it.

I told Polar Bear about it and he gave that look of "owh, she's having her bizarre moment again". He wasn't even close to happy hearing it. He said I'm just trying to find another excuse for my own negligence.

Excuse, that's another thing that defines me. Whenever things don't go the way I want it to be, I always look for excuse. "Oh, I didn't manage to... because..." I can come up with a pretty good essay about it. Sigh.

Ok, back to the original story.

So I went out for a course today. And then came back in the afternoon. Since today is Sunday, I suddenly felt bad for not being able to attend the mass in church. It was almost sunset, and was not as bright as earlier. Plus it was cloudy, as if trying to warn me a heavy shower was about to pour. And I was penniless. I had around 11-12 bucks in my purse. Should be enough for taxi, I thought. Polar Bear was a bit unhappy about it. He said, I shouldn't walk alone by that time, in that kind of weather. But I was adamant. I wanted to go to church so much. So, I went downstair and asked my flatmate to lend me 10 bucks. Off I went afterward.

When I was in church, my mind was occupied with my latest expenditure. I've withdrawn twice already for this week. And I wondered where all the money went. I started to do math during the reading up to the homily. I felt guilty for not paying attention but I just couldn't help it.

Then I went home. Since it was still quite bright, I decided to wait for bus in the bus stop. Waited for 30 minutes, no sign of bus. I tried to wave at one taxi that was passing by, he never saw me and hence drove away. I could feel the level of panic arising. Without further ado, I called my friend, asked him if he could pick me up. He did, and sent me home.

When I reached home, I offered him the 10 dollar note, but he refused. He was being the nice guy again, and I was ashamed of myself for burdening him. I thanked him and told how sorry I was to have bothered him. He just smiled and blessed me to leave peacefully.

When I arrived home, I wanted to gave the 10 dollar notes back to my flatmate but she told me to keep it first. I think I put it in my pocket then. Another friend came by and asked us out for dinner. I tagged along.

Then after dinner, I went to a shop and there I realized the 10 dollar note was gone. I tried to look for it everywhere but of no avail.

I went home sulkily and blamed myself for being so careless.

"You've just lost your one day meal", I could hear my logic hammering my conscience.

But suddenly, like a bulb that has just lighted, an idea came up out of no where.

"Maybe this is the reason you're called to church", that voice told.

Maybe someone is in dire need of money, so God moved you to go to church. He knew that you wouldn't have money, so He made you go to your flatmate for the 10 bucks. Then you dropped it unintentionally and now the person who needed it better found it.

I don't know if I was just trying to console myself, but that's how I really feel at the moment. I'm indeed upset, but I can't let this negligence of mine haunting me.

God is so clever. I'm trying my best to have more faith.

-Miss B-

Oh, It's gonna be a good life!

There's a lot of things I would love to do in life. And one of them is to drive a motorcycle.

What??? A motorcycle???

My Dad would shake his head, My Mom would gasp, siblings gape, Polar Bear gives me his skeptical look, my girlfriends goggle and giggle disbelievingly... In short, the world would be shocked!

How can I, the person who failed her driving test + always being pessimistic , have the gut to even utter such words?

I know, it sounds ridiculous. As ridiculous as the spell 'Riddikulus' in the Harry Potter series. But still, I need to be brave enough to face my fear and inferiority. I need to confront the Boggart in my life, the fear of pursuing my driving test.

And I plan to buy a scooter once I'm working (and after getting a license, of course).

Who knows one day when you roll down your window while driving, you'll se ME on a Harley Davidson... like a badass!!!

Cross finger, hopefully everything will be alright :)

-Miss B-

Frustration

500 words left! Arrrggg, I didn't manage to accomplish my goal (finishing my essay by 10pm).

I need more ideas to continue crapping! Help!!

-From the girl who's half asleep-

Just another day

mm, sorry folks. I know I've mentioned about wanting to write on 'compromising' in my previous post but so far idea hasn't hit me yet. Thus, I'm left clueless.

So, I'd like to continue my rant. Ha-ha.

Bought a new printer today! Yay!

Look at the photo above. Imagine you're carrying an enormous plastic bag containing all the things above, walking down the escalator + elevator from level 3 to 0. Then walking down to the outside of the building, climbing the pedestrian bridge, taking a bus home, getting off the bus (with difficulty to lift the enormous plastic bag so you wont stumble on it while walking on the narrow isle), walking again to cross the road, unlocking the lock, climbing the stairs and voila, you're on your comfy mattress, trying to inhale as much oxygen as possible because you burn out! Who did that?? ME!!!

Aren't you proud of me, Mom and Dad? Your daughter is now a semi-independent woman (semi, for she's not fully independent in term of financial yet)

While walking with heavy burden on both hands just now, my heart spoke "wouldn't it be better if you own a car so you don't need to go through all this hassle?" But then, a voice came in saying 'it won't be forever this way'. One day, when the time comes I'll be able to buy a transport for myself and I don't need to do a hard labour like this anymore.

I just need to be patient for the time being. I should be thankful because I was blessed with energy and strength to walk. Not to forget the public transportation that saved my 10 dollars from being wasted on taxi!

It's a good experience though.

Ok time for a little nap. Ciao!

-Miss B-

Momento

Okay, this is so random. I know I should have been studying for my upcoming essay assignment, but I didn't. In fact, I spent my time on internet, reading about celebrities' break-ups and divorces. It's so demotivating, I mean if you're involved in relationship, and you're reading such tag lines first thing in the morning. It fears me. I've been through tough time myself in relationship, and it's not easy. I don't want to go back to that moment, where I cried myself to sleep, or when it felt like tomorrow never comes.

But I have to be realistic. I know it won't be rainbows and butterflies all the time. Surely, there would be time when it gets rough, tears and row along the way. But I pray that I would handle it civilly, with wisdom and sanity.

Relationship is indeed not as easy as ABC. It involves commitment, trust, and love. And when I say trust, it's not only about about trusting your partner won't commit infidelity, but also to trust that good times would bounce back even after days of murkiness.

Everyone deserves to be happy.

and to quote from one of my favorite tracks ever:

"It's not always rainbows and butterflies
It's compromise that moves us along, yeah
My heart is full and my door's always open
You can come anytime you want"

("She will be loved" -Maroon 5-)

Maybe I'll talk about 'compromising' in my next entry.

Till then, be good!

-Miss B-