The story of my dependency

Empty nest. How many parents dread to think about being left alone eventually? Not totally being abandoned – just the fact that your children wouldn’t be there everyday. Where most of the time, you eat your breakfast, lunch, dinner, or even supper on your own. Your children may ring you everyday, but they are just not there. Surely, life would be quiet, wouldn’t it?

All of this while, I’ve been feeling bad for still being an undergraduate student when most of my schoolmates have already started working. They have their own money, car, house, property, and I have none. I still depend much on my parents for financial support and normally call home when I’m running out of money… Sad but true!

But I got some sort of ‘revelations’ few days ago about my dependency on my parents. I don't know why but I view my reliance on them as some kind of bonding. You know, like parents and daughter (of course we are!)

Parents ask daughter if she needs money, she says yes. They send money to her. She uses the money to pay for her airfare to go home. Parents and siblings wait for her in the airport, bring her out for lunch and dinner. At home, she is pampered. The moment she wakes up, breakfast is ready. She chats with her mother while watching the tv, cooks for her father to eat during his lunch break, plays with her brothers and sisters. She goes out for a date, but comes back in the evening to have dinner with her family. They attend the mass together on Sunday. When the school break ends, everyone sends her to the airport. Hugs and kisses, then wave good bye. She already misses them even before boarding the plan, and can't wait for the next school break. She is indeed emotionally dependent towards her family...

But what happens when I start working? Would I ever have that kind of relationship again? I mean, of course we will always be a family. But... I'll be an adult by then. I'll make my own money and won't ask from my parents anymore because I'll be a working adult. Wow.. A working adult... To ask for money from your parents when you're working will cut your pride... This may not apply to everyone but as what I've seen through my own eyes, this motion does apply in the society around me. 

And I will have other responsibility... I may not be able to go back during school breaks because I won't be a student anymore. School breaks are for students, not for a working adult. Besides, I'll be the one who give them money (I know you'll give me the "so-Asian'' look, but hey, that happens here. Children take over the parents' role of funding the family once they make their own money). So my parents won't give me money to pay for my airfare anymore, and I may not be able to come home every time due to schedule and financial problem (let's hope this won't happen). In fact, I'll be busy making my own life... becoming a real adult. Like a puppy who has become a dog. Scary eh?

And it's yet to come.

-Miss B-

The BIG F word

If you've been reading me since the beginning, you'll surely know how much I've been drawn to aloofness. Don't get me wrong, I have wonderful people around me, but reflecting on how things have gone these past few years makes me realize that there's something that is missing in my life... something that is so special that I'm sure most people have and treasure a lot... something that is called 'friendship'.

When I was in my younger years, I always heard phrases like 'friendship forever', 'forever friends', 'friendship never dies' and so much more. Here and there I saw youngsters used those term to describe their relationship with their friends until one point it became cliche. They might have really meant it at first but as time went by, the meaning left the words. As they grew up, they grew apart from each other without even realize it. 

It's just sad to think about how closed you were to a person once only to look at them one day as just somebody that you used to know. They've grown apart from you, and the distance grows wider day after day.

As for me, I think I had best friends in every phase of my life. I had a playmate when I was a toddler. I had several bosom friends who were always with me when I was in primary school. I had some confidants when I was in secondary school although the number decreased as my senior years approaching. I had some people who I called 'chums' when I was in my previous college. But just now when I browsed through my Facebook page, it suddenly dawned on me... something like 'hey, I used to be closed to this person... when did we start to grow apart from each other?'

It could be my own fault... Maybe I didn't make enough attempt to stay in touch... maybe I let the distance grow wider and let time carries us away from one another. It's so sad to think that every time I go back to my hometown, I don't have anyone to meet up with. It's as though I have never had any real friends. Maybe after all, I'm just the friendless nerd whose aloofness is her best attribute... 

Although I'm proud to say that I have best friends around me now (those I've known since I entered the teaching college), those thoughts actually lead to another question... Am I going to lose my friends that I have now? Are they going to be the next 'somebody that I used to know'? I couldn't help feeling sad over such thoughts... But no matter what, I hope that I will always be closed to them.

I rarely mention about them in my blog but it doesn't mean that I don't appreciate or approve their existence in my life. Most of the time my posts are depressing and I don't want to associate my friends with anything that is related to my sombre mood. They deserve the best. However, since I'm dedicating this blog to my children, I think they have the right to know about the wonderful people around me who actually make me the way I am now...

I don't know if you all would read this but sincerely from my heart, thank you so much for being a part of my story. I thank God for sending you all to my way because you've taught me a lot of things about life. There were times when situation got the best of me and thus I'm so sorry if I've ever hurt you. You're the awesome bunch in my life and I love you all! :)

-Miss B-

Another rant.

Hello it's been so long since I last wrote something up here. How are you? I hope life's been treating you well. Sorry for the long hiatus. I've been busy lately and my life's gone up and down. So many times I tried to scribble something but words often failed me. I couldn't express myself well so I kept everything to myself.

I've learned quite a lot from my practicum phase. I love my children, but at the same time I'm afraid I teach them the wrong things. One student came to me the other day and asked me the meaning of 'logging'. I mistook the word for being similar to clogging (I think) and thus told the poor fellow that logging is some kind of blocking. Screw me, I felt really bad about it! This experience really taught me to check every material that I'm giving to my students beforehand. Make sure you know your things!

I'm pessimist (as usual). I have no confidence in myself that I would ever get good comments from my supervisor. I don't think she would ever like the way I handle things in class. I'm super weak and I feel so helpless about it. Thinking about how weak I am makes me restless. I feel like running and shouting and wailing like a mad woman. Ok, enough about self-deprecating story. I know I've insulted myself to the max. Let's talk something that would calm me down, and actually restore my vibe.

No matter what happen after this, I'll strive to do the best for my children regardless the thoughts that I would make my supervisor scream at me. I will do things that my children would enjoy and learn something. Anything for my children. Hopefully in the end, my supervisor will be able to see my sincerity and grand me a 'pass'. Yes, I just need to pass this practicum.

-Miss B-