How 'lyrinism' dumbfound me.

I've been searching for this song for so long...

I have it hummed at the back of my head, but I just couldn't figure out who the singer is...

and today, I found it...

I was enchanted with the beautiful lyric... it was so deep... I couldn't externalize my feeling whenever I played it... there's just something about it that you wouldn't bear to ignore...

I thank Sarah McLachlan for singing such beautiful song... and yeah, her unique voice made it sound even better... as if the song touches you down into your heart, talking to your tiny being which hidden somewhere in your innermost thoughts...

Heaven bent to take my hand
And lead me through the fire
Be the long awaited answer
To a long and painful fight

Truth be told I've tried my best
But somewhere along the way
I got caught up in all there was to offer
And the cost was so much more than I could bear

Though I've tried, I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I have messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...

We all begin with good intent
Love was raw and young
We believed that we could change ourselves
The past could be undone
But we carry on our backs the burden
Time always reveals
The lonely light of morning
The wound that would not heal
It's the bitter taste of losing everything
That I have held so dear.

I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I have messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...

Heaven bent to take my hand
Nowhere left to turn
I'm lost to those I thought were friends
To everyone I know
Oh they turned their heads embarassed
Pretend that they don't see
But it's one missed step
You'll slip before you know it
And there doesn't seem a way to be redeemed

Though I've tried, I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I have messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...

***

I was trying to express myself through a poem today.

The theme was apple.

I failed. Insufficient of vocabulary.

I really, really want to be overwhelmed by the feeling again.

The satisfaction when you express your thoughts on a paper...

I've lost the sense...

If only I could revive it again...

I just miss...being intuitive...

Rationale and logic has probably killed it...

Oh, come back...

-Miss B-

Polar Bear's request!

At the end of this week, I would be qualified to be nominated as an unpublished author!!! Assignments seem so keen to court me, and my energy has been driven out due to 'essays laboring' (don't bother if you don't understand a word. this is just a wimpy whine---if such term exists- of a person who is almost defeated at the tip of her pen!)

I just need more motivation to keep holding on... and I'm so 'lucky' for my better half is concern enough to be there for me, ready to nag--oops, to 'counsel' me if I attempt to slip away from my unbidden workloads...

5200 words, in less then three days...

3 distinct topics.

3 different way of writings...

2 referencing styles...

1 mind, 1 heart, 1 person to complete it all!

Wish me luck!!!

-Miss B-

Energy Deprivation

I have a lot of big dreams in my life.

But the point is I don't know where to start and I can't give commitment.

I feel so useless sometimes.

There was once when I was so interested in doing charity job and I ended up being lukewarm.

My passion was not intense enough.

I was discouraged very easily, but at the same time I couldn't resist the urge to feel the sense of accomplishment.

Undoubtedly, the passion remains in heart, but it isn't flaming enough...

Lackadaisical hinders accomplishment

(Excuse the excessive used of nominalization, the sentence expresses my thoughts and feelings perfectly)

I wish I could revive my enthusiasm and exorcise the lethargy which has been possessing me since last night...

-Miss B-

Quick Update!

I enjoy working on students' numeracy and literacy!

Could I be able to teach Math and English???

Yet to discover!

Tomorrow I'm gonna work with a student on math problem. Wish me luck, folks!

-Miss B-

Thought of yesterday

I have tons of assignments waiting. I just couldn't be bothered. I feel like procrastinating the whole time... I notice that I've been doing a lot of reflection recently about things that I've done in the past... and I kinda regret some of it, especially the moment when I was being mean to others.

There was this lady who lived near by and always came to my house. Her daughter was about 6-7 that time (I couldn't really remember). She asked me to teach her daughter to read and write. I agreed with the idea in the beginning, but soon afterward I got turned off. I felt it was really difficult to teach the child. Another thing was she always came during afternoon (after I came back from school) and that even annoyed me because I had to 'sacrifice' my afternoon nap (God knows how important siesta was for me that time!) I remembered how I rose my voice once when the child couldn't do the question that I asked her to do. When I think back about it now, I feel so ashamed of myself. I should have never been nasty to her. If only I have my teaching hat on during that time, I probably could change something.

There was another incident when I was in my secondary school. I feel like banging my head onto the wall whenever I think back about it nowadays. There was this friend who had just come into my class. I was quite lucky because I was put into an 'A' class (where students with higher ability went to). But I guess, being in the classroom had made me arrogant. I felt like I was a genius, and those with lower ability shouldn't come into the classroom. The friend (who had just come into the class) was not really 'ranked' in the 'A' student list. But she happened to register late, and when the teacher asked her which class she wanted to be in, she picked our class. I was nasty toward her on the first day. I told her that she shouldn't choose our class because she would suffer afterward... that she wouldn't be able to keep up with the rest in the class. Another friend questioned me for being too nasty and looked down upon others. I told the friend back that I was just being concern. I kept on emphasizing the fact that the girl would have problem in keeping up with others later.

God knows how much I regret it now. Instead of helping the poor girl, I criticized her. Instead of lending a hand, I judged her ability. Instead of welcoming her, I put on a hostile face. Shame on me. and yeah, karma has struck me even harder. It took me long to come into realization, but I thank God for at least now I have learned my lesson. I suppose my logic has 'grown up'.

I feel sorry for those people...

I feel even sorry for myself for being so unintelligent once... I missed a lot of things. Now i have to catch up and learn as much as possible...

-Miss B-

My Guilty Conscience

I had one lecturer who was doing her best to assist her students. However, from all accounts she was quite conventional, and hence she was criticized for this. It was so sad to see the size of her lecture, which was quite big at the beginning... The number of students who attended the class decreased day after day...

I always struggled to stay awake during her class... It was a great agony to restrain myself from dozing off... As a result, I sometimes skipped her class because I 'believed' that I wouldn't be able to learn anything from the lecture... that even if I come, I would have just wasted my time and hurt her to see me snoozing while she was talking in front. Bad me.

Never in my mind I have ever thought that one day I would probably experience the same thing as she did...

She might have to stay up till late just to prepare for her next lecture. She might have to read piles of books till her eyes got sore just in case if her students come and ask her about the lecture...

She might have worked really hard just for one lesson which last for about two hours... and yet students don't even bother to come...

and just now, when I was doing my preparation for the next task, the thought of her suddenly came into my mind... My ego tries to forbid me from imagining students calling me "Miss Boring" behind my back... I shuddered at the thought of it...

I felt so sorry for her and I wish that I would learn from this... to appreciate what a teacher has done for her/his students...

Hey Miss X,

I'm sorry for not being 'good' in your class.

I couldn't help my ignorance.

I wish I would have listened to you...

I would probably have gotten more knowledge

to be passed on to my students...

I wish you well

and please don't give up on your students...

they probably haven't open their 'inner eyes' yet...

Give us more chance to learn...

Best wishes,

-Miss B in the making-

I hope.

Most of the time I'm worried about my self expression. I'm worried that people won't get me just because I can't explain things clearly. Sometimes I wish that I have all the vocabularies in the world and could speak all languages fluently... But that's impossible. I need more than a lifetime for that.

Since I can't do all, I have to choose. I have to learn the options left. And still, it's not that easy.

I told you in my previous post that I'm working on a strategy book for my student. To date, I haven't really finished it. I have to revise back all the things that I've learned before just to understand the task that I'm gonna ask my student to do. It's such a long process! My anxiety level is increasing. I'm so nervous and scared that I won't be able to teach my student well. Sigh...

Never in my life as a teacher trainee, I have ever thought of becoming the best teacher for my students. I am well aware that I won't be able to do so. But deep inside my heart, I have one humble desire (if only you consider this as one)... that I want my students to go home with something that they learn from my class... that they would be able to live better with the things that they learn during my lesson (applying knowledge into their real lives)

I wish I could learn a lot of things so I can share it with my students one day... as for the time being, I need to go back to my algebra revision so I would be able to work on my student's division strategy book...

Dear Student,

I hope when I come to see you one of these days, you'll understand the division concept more... I hope you can use it in your daily life. If possible, I hope it can help you in becoming Mathematician! lol!

with love,

-Miss B-

Save me from... embarrassment!

I'm supposed to work with my student on division problem.

But, how can I teach something that I myself don't understand???

I doubt my teaching skill. Seriously.

Now I know how challenging teaching can be. I wish I could shoot to the air, asking for some help! SOS!

I can't imagine myself bringing laptop, answering students, "hold on for a while. let me google it first" every time they ask me something that I don't have a clue at all...

Time to take things seriously Miss B.

LEARN

-Miss B-

Talking about behavioral management.

I came to this page just for the sake of writing something. I don't want to abandon it too long. I don't want it to be left unattended, dusty and forlorn...

So I'm gonna carry on with my rant.

Today I learned something from my lecture. Well, it was a long story but I would summarize it based on the thing that I have understood.

If you want to correct a student/child/learner behaviour, use "I-message"; but if you want to praise him/her, use "You-message".

For those who don't have a clue what I am talking about, you can google "I-message". If I'm not mistaken, Thomas Gordon was the one who first proposed this idea (I-message).

You can click on the link below

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/I-message (Thanks to Wikipedia. It makes things much easier!)

But to make it clear for you, I would give some examples.

Situation: A student is reading a book quietly on her seat. A teacher comes and tell her, in front of the whole class.

Teacher: I like the way A (the student) spend her time. She sits quietly on her seat and read her book.

Well, according to my understanding, the teacher shouldn't say such thing, especially in front of other students. The teacher as if tries to manipulate the other students' behaviours. To cut a long story short, the teacher is kinda comparing his/her students with the others.

When I was young, I have always hated it when I was compared with others, or adults told me that I should behave like A or B or C. I felt like bursting out, telling them to shut up, and letting them know that I was different. I couldn't be like others, but I definitely could achieve something through my own way. I wonder what would happen if I have the courage to tell them about how I feel back then...

Okay, I shouldn't talk to much on my personal experience. Now let's go back to the topic.

In my opinion, the teacher should use 'You-message'.

For instance,

"When you read your book silently on your seat, it will help you in your assignment."

I guess it sounds more sincere compare to first one. The teacher acknowledge the student's behaviour and let she/he knows how such behaviour help her/him.

For more information about praise and punishment, kindly refer Alfie Kohn's Punished by Rewards.

It's interesting to know what others think about behavioral management and then reflect it our own beliefs.

-Miss B-

Twitter

My recent posts kind of boring.

Been thinking a lot lately. But I just find it difficult to put everything into words.

I feel like my vocabs have shrunk. Sigh!

I wish inspiration will once again strikes my head.

I need it so badly!

I wish I can do something that I enjoy to do and write about it.

But, it seems like I enjoy nothing lately.

I am overloaded with tons of assignments.

I could probably talk about it one of these days.

I could talk about how much I try to write my essay as perfect as possible.

Or about how scared I am every time I am being told to collect my assignment from the reception.

Or about how I cry myself to sleep, mourning for not getting the wanted result.

Or about how I mock myself for being so slow in doing my works.

I would definitely talk about it.

but not now. Probably later. Possibly.

I'm trying my best to improve my language expression at the moment and also polish up my writing skill.

(why?why?why?why?why) *heard from far*

Because I want to write my own wedding vow (if I am to marry), and that means I have to improve even more! *laughing out loud*

"I is you, you is me. No, me no speak Engris."

Ain't let those things happen to my children.

-Miss B-

The Poignant Decision

Life is to choose,

But we can't choose for others

They MAKE their own

We are NOT God,

We DON'T rule the universe

We follow our own path

To heaven, to hell

Humans are to decide

on their OWN

We can't choose for others

so do they for us

to live means to tolerate

will you leave your home

when you feel like truth is no where to be found?

again, we palm the choice.

Who am I to judge?

when the choice left seems unbearable,

I run.

to escape.

-Miss B-

Better than nothing

It has been quite a while since my last post... This page has been left unattended for quite sometimes... My apology to all...

I have nothing in mind to write about...

till then, let this page to be idle...

-Miss B-

The Counter

I just want to slow down and learn to have more faith...

Life has run me all this while instead of the other way around...

I'm telling my heart to be patient, there's thing that takes times... to be the way it is... or the way I want it to be...

I can't learn all stuffs in the blink of an eye.

-Miss B-

Out of the blue!

I made a vow to myself.

I'm so gonna improve my communication skill.

I will try my best not to withdraw myself from conversation just because I'm afraid that people won't understand me.

I will try to express myself in a much better way! Oh, even that means that I'm gonna work hard for it...

mm, looks like there's a lot of things to learn...

Step up, Me!

-Miss B-

Spring Waltz...

My ungrateful, immature tiny little soul's cursing the beautiful afternoon of spring sky.

The colour. The tone. The mood.

All bring back those old childhood memory~~

"Dang you beautiful whether! for bringing tears on my eyes! now I feel like going back to the place which is located million miles away from here, and to the time when I was innocent enough to know about financial problem and stress of workload..."

Owh Spring...

I thought I have sprung those winter blues...

Now you're here... and how I wish things to be better~~~

-Miss B-

...never believed that things happened for reason...

This song made my day... It sounds so beautiful and I could relate the lyric to myself... Somehow it resembles me in someway...

Again

by Natasha Beddingfield/Bruno Mars

Hands over my head thinking "what else could go wrong"?
Would've stayed in bed, how can a day be so long?
Never believed that things happen for a reason
But how this turned out, You moved all my doubts, So believe
That for You I'll do it all over again
Do it all over again
All I went through, led me to You
So I'd do it all over again
For You

I missed the first train, stood out in the rain, all day
Little did I know
When I caught the next train, there You were to sweep me away
Guess thats what I've waited for
Never believed that things happened for a reason
But how this turned out, You moved all my doubts, So believe
That for You I'd do it all over again
Do it all over again
All I went through, led me to You
So I'd do it all over again

Who ever thought a day gone so wrong, would turn out so lovely?
Im so glad I found You
Even though the day went so wrong, I wouldnt change a thing (yeah, yeah, oh I'd do it)
I'd do it all over again
Do it all over again
All I went through, led me to You
So I'd do it all over again (yeah, yeah ohhh)
I'd do it all over again (I'd do it all over, I'd do it all over)
Do it all over again (I'd do it all over for You, for you)
all I went through, led me to you (all I went through, it led me to You)
so I'd do it all over again (over again)

Who ever thought a day gone so wrong, could turn out so lovely
Who ever thought a day gone so wrong, could turn out so lovely

I hope it makes yours too.

-Miss B-

Been missing too long

I suddenly feel that I've missed a lot... and forgotten a lot too...

I miss the warm feeling when I sing every song out loud when His presence strikes me...

In my vision, I saw a father welcome his daughter home after a long journey... after she's been wandering a lot and did not realized that she has gone too far...

-Little E-