Waiting for Thousand Splendid Suns

I wanted to write more about my frustration of not being logic enough. For losing my rational. For being tempted and disappointing my guilty conscience.

I hope every word that appeared up here will ease the pain. The pain of my FRUSTRATION.
Because right now, there's a lot of things in my mind and it's chaotic, hectic (give me more words end with -tic!). Long story short, the riot is my head is indescribable! Even all the vocabs in my dictionary could not convey the sick being of me at the moment!

Owh.... Wake up, Me! Think of a way on how to get away from this hell of situation!
If my head were a balloon, I'm totally positive that it has already blown up long time ago!!! my negative aura buoyed in the air!

I feel like Hamlet (Wait a sec, do you read Shakespeare? If you don't, go Google it!).
I guess I could recite his famous "To Be or Not To Be" on the top of the world to let everyone knows how FRUSTRATED (I wish I bring along my thesaurus, I can't find other word that can replace that "F" word! ~~F-Frustrated, though!) I am!

Fortunately, I'm still quite sane. I still do feel shame. and I cover up my face with smile so people won't see how ashamed I am of myself...

Oh, sorry Children!(read my blog description, and please, read between the line!)
This is not the kind of story that I want to tell you about in my post. I told you a earlier, I never wanted this page stinks with negative emotions (did I?)
But sometimes, I just can't help it. When I am overwhelmed with emotion, my feeling tends to influence the vocabs and the way of my writing.

So, if you could feel my agony when you read this entry, I'm so sorry. I never wish to put a picture in your mind that I'm a torn, hearbroken person.

Please, don't feel ashamed of me.

-Miss B-

The Forbidden Fruit

I'm tempted. Should I or shouldn' I?
They said most of the others are doing the same too...
Will this worth it?
I'm so confused!

Oh, Heavenly Father, please show me the right path... bless me with wisdom... I really need it right now...

Owh... I'm so weak! My flesh's urged by desire! without even thinking if it contradicts my values!
Jealousy lures me. My logic is being deceived... But at the same time, the dark side of me told me "it's okay to do a little evil in order to do greater deed..." This voice is so contagious! It harms the innocent part of me, the brighter side of me... I can't think properly... I really need help!

What am I supposed to do now???

- Miss B in dilemma-

Should one cries over spilt milk?

I don't intend to be gloomy all day...
But I couldn't feel anything other than being down and frustrated.
Yeah, maybe that's the word. FRUSTRATED.

I feel like the biggest looser in the room. I still can bear thinking about my efforts that have been gone down the drain. The tiredness. The almost-giving-up try. The tears over countless dissatisfaction.
I still do.

But the greatest pang was thinking about my parents' efforts, and their cashes... which are too, gone down the drain.

I'm overwhelmed by remorse.

I hate thinking that I've burdened others and pay them the worst.

I know I should thank The Big Guy Up There, for everything. At least, I've tried.
But still, every inch of my flesh now smells guilt. My heart's shivering. No tear sheds (I don't know if I should be proud of this or not) but deep down in me, I know I long to do that.

I'm ashamed, guilty and remorseful.
I never want it to be this way.
I'm scared, too.
What if I still would not be able to do it next time?
I'm worried.
What if my courage leaves me? What am I supposed to do?

I wish I would have greater faith in myself.

-Miss B-

The Gloomy Miss B

I'm so pessimist and I hate it. I tend to say 'I can't do it' even before trying to do it.
And when I say I can't, things sometimes turn out to be more difficult.

I failed to do something recently and it really brought me back to earth, and made me think that life ain't about sunshine and rainbow all the time.

But will I give up?

I don't know. My courage has already been shrinking long time ago.
I need to do something in order to boost it up back.

-Miss B-

The Tarnish Being

Is it possible for a human to live on his/her own, without the need of staying in touch with his/her fellows? Thinking about this reminds me to The Rascall’s ‘What hurts the most’.

“What hurts the most… Was being so close…And havin' so much to say… And watchin' you walk away”

Sometimes it makes me wonder, how could we hurt our loved ones, the people that we love the most, when the first thing comes to our mind in the morning is to love them forever?
If only we could swallow our egotism and lay down our arms…

Or… Maybe I’m not sincere enough to love…

Maybe I am mistaken in mind of the real meaning of ‘to love’… That I actually have no idea of what ‘to love’ is…

This is so scary. How am I able to forgive my enemy when I couldn’t even love my loved ones?
And how am I going to teach my children, to love? How am I going to tell them about hope and having faith when there is no love in me?
What will happen if I couldn’t love and the people around me stop to love? How are we going to survive without love in our heart?

If only we, humans, are able to really comprehend every word in 1 Corinthians: 13.

“Love is patient and kind; it is not jealous or conceited or proud; love is not ill-mannered or selfish or irritable; love does not keep a record of wrongs; love is not happy with evil, but is happy with the truth. Love never gives up; and its faith, hope, and patience never fail…”

Learn, dear heart.

-Miss B-

The Kiddy Me

Folks, you have to know two things about me.

Firstly, I always dream to be eloquent in my writings. So I can scribble a lot of things; from adult stories to fairy tales.

Secondly, Polar Bear always told me that I'm a child-like. The way I behave, I mean.

So these two things made me think. How good it'll be if I could write something, from my innocent being of child-like (am I? :P)

Let see if my attempt works.

I have a grandfather who I call “Daddy-Dad”. I’m so fond of him. I’ve been calling him as “Daddy-Dad” as long as I remember. I know it’s too deep to be understood but the name “Daddy-Dad” has a very, very special meaning in my heart for it makes me feel so closed to him and he to me. I always write to him. Sometimes I will write a letter to him during Christmas, hoping for presents. My friends said I’m crazy for I’m supposed to write to Santa and not to Daddy-Dad (But who cares anyway?)

“Dear Daddy-Dad,” my letter starts, and then followed by list of good and wrong deeds I’ve done. After that I’ll ask him to forgive me, and then to send me all the toys that I’ve been eyed on during Advent. :)

He is so nice. He always look down upon me with his warm eyes when I say, "Hey Daddy-Dad!". I would run to him and ask him to carry me in his strong arms. He’s always there whenever I need him. He buys me ice cream when I bring home straight A’s. When I get the last place in my 100 meters race, he wipe the tears from my eyes and then we go for walk in the park. We laugh together when jokes hit us and he cheers me up when I’m down. We do most of things together.

He’s my “Daddy-Dad”, a loving grandfather. I always think how lucky I am to be born in this family and how lucky my dad and his siblings, to have him as their father.

“Daddy-Dad”, the name is so special in my heart. It’s a symbol of love, and the fondness of our relationship.

One day, one of my cousins asked me to stop calling Daddy-Dad as “Daddy-Dad”. I was shocked because we (My cousin and I) have been calling Daddy-Dad as “Daddy-Dad” as long I could remember. Cousin said I don’t understand “Daddy-Dad” the way he does. That“Daddy-Dad” has a greater meaning to him, and it is a way different than what I do comprehend. He does not want his children get confused with this. He said I must call Daddy-Dad with different name. I may call him “Grandpa”, “Grandfather” or whatever names I want as long as it’s not “Daddy-Dad”.

“But ain’t he (Daddy-Dad) our “Daddy-Dad” together? Why am I to call him other name as if he is different person? “ My tiny heart quests.

I know Daddy-Dad will always be the same “Daddy-Dad”, even if I’m to call him with other name. But I’ve been so used of calling him “Daddy-Dad”. I know “Grandpa” and “Grandfather” means the same but in my heart, the three syllables “Dad-dy-Dad” mean a lot to me. My cousin may not understand this the way I do.

I would like to ask my cousin, "Would you prefer to eat bun instead of rice (our staple food) during your dinner? Because when you ask me to stop calling Daddy-Dad as "Daddy-Dad", I feel like my meal was taken from me. Something's gone."

I hope my cousin will be nice to me, like always. Then we’ll be able to call Daddy-Dad, and maybe go for an ice-cream together.

***

Omit grammatical error. I just want to see if I could write.

-Miss B-

With Love, XOXO!

I wrote a post. I saved it in my thumbdrive. And now I couldn't open the file. T_T

It's okay...

Well, folks! I hope I'm not too late wishing you a Happy Time welcoming and enjoying New Year 2010!!!

mmm.... I just realized that I didn't post any photo recently and it makes the page looks so dull! Wait till I capture picture of thousand colours! Colours of Happeness! wee!!!

I wish I could write more... A lot of things happened recently but some of them are too personal... So I tucked them neatly in heart...

So yeah, enough of rantings, folks! I'm off to... ermm... looking for foods... (my tummy's rocking!)

-Miss B-