Should one cries over spilt milk?

I don't intend to be gloomy all day...
But I couldn't feel anything other than being down and frustrated.
Yeah, maybe that's the word. FRUSTRATED.

I feel like the biggest looser in the room. I still can bear thinking about my efforts that have been gone down the drain. The tiredness. The almost-giving-up try. The tears over countless dissatisfaction.
I still do.

But the greatest pang was thinking about my parents' efforts, and their cashes... which are too, gone down the drain.

I'm overwhelmed by remorse.

I hate thinking that I've burdened others and pay them the worst.

I know I should thank The Big Guy Up There, for everything. At least, I've tried.
But still, every inch of my flesh now smells guilt. My heart's shivering. No tear sheds (I don't know if I should be proud of this or not) but deep down in me, I know I long to do that.

I'm ashamed, guilty and remorseful.
I never want it to be this way.
I'm scared, too.
What if I still would not be able to do it next time?
I'm worried.
What if my courage leaves me? What am I supposed to do?

I wish I would have greater faith in myself.

-Miss B-