Microsystem

I've been reading about school transition lately, and it reminded me to a boy in my hometown who quitted schooling after his first day at primary school. I didn't really know the reason, but from what I heard, he was punished by a teacher and that was it, he was terrified and never came back.

Well, I remember him being quite a 'determined' boy, who often 'greeted' older children from school by chasing and stoning them (and I was one of the victims). As a child myself, I used to hate him because he always annoyed me by doing monkey face and calling me names.

But I would imagine him being so excited for his first day at school. His dad bought him new pairs of school uniform, cool school bag, books, pencil case, and so on. And thinking that the school would be a new territory for his notorious behaviour, he set something up without the knowledge of the school's rules and regulations.

When a teacher found out about his misbehaviour, he was punished (I always imagined him wailing and howling for this episode) and when he came home that day, he said 'au revoir' to the school and schooling forever.

Being a teacher trainee, who's read and been told about thousand of classroom managements, makes me wonder, 'What would happen to the boy if he wasn't punished that day?'

Well, I know that he has grown up and now working as a labour in a factory, but still it doesn't stop me from pondering the question. From what I heard, he's illiterate and this upsets me. He could have at least learn to read.

My reading told me transition is a big process for children. They move from their comfort zone to an unfamiliar setting (Fabian, 2000). This can be either a terrifying or an exciting experience. And teacher hold the power, whether to make it fun or scary for students.

I'm pretty sure that it was a hell experience for the boy. He was new to the school and not familiar with the rules and regulations. Nobody ever told him what he was expected to, and even if he was told, as a new student, he surely had a problem in meeting the expectation. He'd never been to any school or any formal setting before. If only he knew...

And I can't stop thinking myself... if only he wasn't punished...

-Miss B-

Another yawn before dusk

There's this Indonesian song that was once so dear to my heart. Well, it wasn't really my favourite, it was kinda depressing but I could relate to every line of it. And now I guess it speaks the content of my heart well.

The song entitled 'Berhenti berharap', or in English, 'Stop hoping' or more to 'to give up hope'.

I didn't know why I was so demotivated lately. I felt like someone else, as though it wasn't being me. I miss being the enthusiastic me who'll fight to the very end. I miss the old me, who sought solace in everything that she did, enjoyed working hard, and immersed herself deep into literature and scholars.

Right now, I feel like doing nothing. I just want to be lazy, without giving a hoot if the exam is in 4 days. I don't wanna do anything.

-someone who misses being Miss B-

Demotivated to study

I

hate

insomnia.

It will definitely cause me to lose half a day later (which I can spend on studying!)

-wide awake Miss B-

The fruit from the forbidden tree

I've always thought that maturity is something that one will face as they come to an age. As for me, I thought I would reach it in my twenties.

Well, I don't know how much I've achieved, I definitely knows that I've learned a lot, but my maturity is not for me to judge. I mean, anyone can come to me and tell me if I act my age and so on, but would it be valid enough to measure my 'maturity'? I haven't got a clue for that one.

Maybe maturity is overrated. I mean, what does it really mean by being mature? and as what I've learned from my gender studies about postmodernism and poststructuralism, what is true for others might not be true for myself and likewise. Citing from Wikipedia on postmodernism, "there is no absolute truth and the way in which different people perceive the world is subjective" (Wikipedia, 2011).

So, when one tells you something about you, others might have different opinions. Some people may say, 'you're mature', while for others you're a mere child trapped in an aging body.

As for me, I try to follow the flow. I learn what is alright to others and what is the BIG no. It's not easy but if you're looking for the sense of approval, that is probably the right thing to do. And often, my decision is much influenced by my family, Polar Bear, and friends. Well, if indecisiveness is a gauge to measure maturity, I'll never reach 'adulthood'. This trait of mine always put me into trouble. Indecisiveness + Impulsiveness = a big combo that leads to downfall.

If you don't understand anything from this post, don't be sorry. Because it scarcely makes sense to me as well.

And I think, I'm being a child again.

To Polar Bear, I'm sorry.

-Miss B-

His name is 'Mike'

I've been with Mike for about 3 years already. He's been there throughout all the sleepless nights, seen me cry and laugh, and most importantly, he entertained me when I swear I could die of boredom.

He's been a loyal companion, and yup, most people envy me for having him. I should indeed count myself lucky, and probably take care of him more.

I sent him for vacation once. Folks, I couldn't tell you how much I missed and longed for him to come back. And when the agent told me that he couldn't come home with me on the day he supposed to, I was shattered. How could I live my life without Mike??? He's the helper, and I've been so dependent on him.

There's no word can describe how thankful I am of you, Mike. You've been a darling since the moment we met. I'm sorry for not taking care of you, I'm bad at nurturing. But I will try to send you to the agent again (though it breaks my heart to be parted from you) soon when I have the dough, because I know you'll be taken care there and it's a great escape from the hectic world... Plus, been seeing you much in Leopard... it'll be great to see you in Lion...

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Folks, meet my wonderful Mike...

ps: I've just thought of naming him few minutes ago. Yes, Pro is his last name :P

-Miss B-

The story of my temptation

"If you want something, work for it"

I have to constantly remind myself that I will never get everything that I desire in life, and that money doesn't grow on the tree. My spendthrift mind has been racing recently, thinking hard on how I can finish my allowance in a snap. I want new toys so bad. Ipod or Ipad, new phone... and upgrading my laptop os to the latest version. I want to be up-to-date. And like I've told you, my mind's been racing so hard...

I think I'm a bit too selfish. No, major selfish. The temptation is so strong... It's so difficult to resist... So difficult to tell myself that I'm penniless and that my credit card is meant for emergency. I want to call home so bad, asking for financial support. But to do so means I disesteem myself. I'm 23, yet I call home for money so I can buy new toys. Sigh, where's your so-called independence, B?

I hope I manage to find a job soon to quench my 'thirst' for technology. :P

-Miss B-

The rant of an imp

Last night, I wasted my time browsing about computer tab. I was wooed by the idea of getting an Ipad, or at least an Ipod, while busying myself with study. But they are so pricy for a poor student like me, whose penny is meant for every grain of rice, buns, and vegetable... not to forget the house bills... *sigh*

When I called home this morning, Dad asked about my financial situation, and I was tempted to ask for help. But again, thinking of Polar Bear's frown enough to shut off the idea. So, I told Dad that I was okay.

***

I'm now on study leave, but I haven't really revised a lot of topics... Been procrastinating for the last 4 days... Gosh, I better start studying really hard soon.

I'm gonna leave this country less than two months... It won't be easy as I'm already attached to this place... I'm so gonna miss it being here, being a student on my own, meeting wonderful people that I made friends with, and of course, missing the climate! The four seasons in a day! where you wake up in the morning thinking that the sunshine's going to last till the end of the day only to be greeted by cold murky weather in the afternoon. Or when you wear your heavy bubble jacket to class at 9am because you think it's gonna be cold and windy only to be welcomed by the smiling sun two hours later.

It's beautiful here. Especially when it's spring. Flowers bloom everywhere and the sun shows its mercy after long months of cold winter... and it's still spring when I leave this country soon. An irony of beautiful season and sadness of setting off.

I don't wanna think of it yet. The thought of leaving is unbearable. I wish I have an Ipod, or at least Samsung Galaxy Wifi by then to amend the feeling :P

-Miss B-

A step to learned helplessness

My name starts with B. Apparently, my dad named me after his favourite character in a movie.

I still remember when I was at school, especially during examination where students had to circle one of the multi-choice question's answers (either A, B, C, or D), I used to circle B for questions of which answer I didn't know. When I was asked to justify my reason, I used to tell people, "because it was B. My name starts with B".

I was lucky then for most of the time the answer would be B. But there were several time when the answer wasn't and of course, I was in a deep trouble.

No wonder my grade always a B then. I should have studied much harder.

Until now, B seems a synonym for me, especially for assignment grade. I have been always dreaded about this. I know people always tell me that I should have been thankful for getting a B, but that wasn't the case for me.

I yearn for more. I long for excellence, thus I strive to get an A in everything that I do, especially when it comes to assignment. 'A' stands for ambition, and I'm indeed an ambitious person. I know people would associate this with me being Asian. Yeah, Asian always attempt for an 'A' in their study. Well, we can't really be blamed, can we? After all, the word 'Asian' itself starts with an A...

Scratch that, that's not the main reason why I want to get an A in my study. My friends said I was being too competitive, and that I always want to compete with others. But again, I wouldn't describe myself as 'competitive'. I was actually frustrated with myself. I mean, I worked hard as everyone else. I went to class, I did my assignments as good as possible, I sent them on time, and so on. But when it comes to the result, I always get lower than most people do. I mean, what's wrong with me? Am I that stupid? I can't help but thinking that I'm a real loser, because I've done so much, yet I gain so little.

I just want to feel the sense of accomplishment. I'm 23 yet I've achieved less. And I need this more when I stand next to Polar Bear. We have been rival for so long (though he never thought of me one, because he knows he's more academically inclined as compared to everyone). Thus, this explains why I want to improve my grade so much. I need good grades to further my study. I have a dream, and I want to make it a reality.

Or maybe, my grade will improve if I start to organize my desk - notes + books.

-Miss B-