A step to learned helplessness

My name starts with B. Apparently, my dad named me after his favourite character in a movie.

I still remember when I was at school, especially during examination where students had to circle one of the multi-choice question's answers (either A, B, C, or D), I used to circle B for questions of which answer I didn't know. When I was asked to justify my reason, I used to tell people, "because it was B. My name starts with B".

I was lucky then for most of the time the answer would be B. But there were several time when the answer wasn't and of course, I was in a deep trouble.

No wonder my grade always a B then. I should have studied much harder.

Until now, B seems a synonym for me, especially for assignment grade. I have been always dreaded about this. I know people always tell me that I should have been thankful for getting a B, but that wasn't the case for me.

I yearn for more. I long for excellence, thus I strive to get an A in everything that I do, especially when it comes to assignment. 'A' stands for ambition, and I'm indeed an ambitious person. I know people would associate this with me being Asian. Yeah, Asian always attempt for an 'A' in their study. Well, we can't really be blamed, can we? After all, the word 'Asian' itself starts with an A...

Scratch that, that's not the main reason why I want to get an A in my study. My friends said I was being too competitive, and that I always want to compete with others. But again, I wouldn't describe myself as 'competitive'. I was actually frustrated with myself. I mean, I worked hard as everyone else. I went to class, I did my assignments as good as possible, I sent them on time, and so on. But when it comes to the result, I always get lower than most people do. I mean, what's wrong with me? Am I that stupid? I can't help but thinking that I'm a real loser, because I've done so much, yet I gain so little.

I just want to feel the sense of accomplishment. I'm 23 yet I've achieved less. And I need this more when I stand next to Polar Bear. We have been rival for so long (though he never thought of me one, because he knows he's more academically inclined as compared to everyone). Thus, this explains why I want to improve my grade so much. I need good grades to further my study. I have a dream, and I want to make it a reality.

Or maybe, my grade will improve if I start to organize my desk - notes + books.

-Miss B-