~The Story of My Addiction~

Sonnet 147

~William Shakespeare~

My love is as a fever, longing still For that which longer nurseth the disease, Feeding on that which doth preserve the ill, Th' uncertain sickly appetite to please. My reason, the physician to my love, Angry that his prescriptions are not kept, Hath left me, and I desperate now approve Desire is death, which physic did except. Past cure I am, now reason is past care, And frantic mad with ever more unrest. My thoughts and my discourse as madmen's are, At random from the truth vainly expressed; For I have sworn thee fair, and thought thee bright, Who art as black as hell, as dark as night.

"Red Flag" Days

I was (am? lol...) a sulky person. Unpredictable, and quite ill-tempered. Reminiscing the past, I saw myself on the phone with my teenage sweetheart, weeping and expressing how sorry I was for starting our argument. Usually this clause would be overheard, "...because I was having my PMS..."

People say, it's easy to put the blame on someone/something. It can protect our innocence, so it won't be too obvious that we are actually on the wrong side. Of course, because most of the time, no one wants to be convicted...

Back to PMS, I'm not really sure if there is any scientific evidence proving that women would experience characteristic-transition during the period (I'll try to do my reading on this later, :P)

Question to ponder: Does it mean that women have to hurt their loved-ones just because they are on 'prior-red-flag days'?

As a young woman, I've experienced all this. I let this idea of "I'm not emotionally stable because of PMS" enrolled my logic and at the end of the day, I became SOMEONE ELSE, hurting those who were so dear to my heart. I couldn't tell how remorseful I was and wishing so bad to be able to turn back the time... to undo all the mess and destruction that I'd done.

I know that I have problem. And even if this is out of my control, those people around me do not deserve the pain...

Don't be deceived by the lie of PMS

or anything that can turn you to be someone new who is NOT you.

You know yourself better than anyone else.

and I'm learning this too, with you...

Don't Complain, Work Harder.

Today was my first day of School Based Experience(SBE) where my group members and I are expected to observe and take notes on classroom management and English teaching methodology. There are 9 more days to go. What I can say about my first day is... I hate it. Yeah, you heard me. I hate it. There is a lot of things that does not reach my expectation.

However, when I took time to reflect on what I'd gone through, I was suddenly overwhelmed with intense guilt. I haven't started teaching. Yet, I've already grumbled on things that do not please me.

How am I going to be an educator if I myself could not stand this strain? It's just a beginning, an early barrier. And I've decided to devote my wholly life to this vocation. Should I withdraw from it now?

I can't change the world for I've no power in doing so. But I always believe that I can do something in order to help my future children, who will soon be the leaders of the world.

I am Jetfire in the Tranformers: Revenge of the Fallen (movie).

Faith Like A Child

People say, every cloud has silver lining. There is hope somewhere, no matter how difficult the situation is.

I used to feel despondent, and was sometimes struggling with suicidal thoughts. If only I stop for a while, and be thankful for what I've been given, things might not be that bad anyway.

Life is too beautiful to be decorated with melancholy. Everyone deserves more.

I'd love to improve my life and try not to be gloomy anymore. So I can tell others to cast away all their sorrow, strengthen their faiths to keep holding on..... to the Utopia of their lives...

Thought

We can't please everyone... But that doesn't mean we can be mean to others.

Sometimes we may think that we are just plainly joking around people without really think that we are hurting them. And we may tend to brush them off when they try to ask us to stop.

Be careful.

-Miss B-

Decision

Most of the time, I tend to be scared when it comes to make decision. Why? because I get intimidated very easily. I always want to please others and put them before me, deny my own right to be pleased.

There's nothing wrong if you want to consider the implication of your decision to those around you. However, there's a limit for it. Bear in mind, you cannot please everyone.

I used to have this problem before. I have been always worried that I might offend others if I don't put them in my consideration. I've been so submissive. As a result, I made decision which turned out to be a transcended remorse afterward. and yeah, I hated myself for it!

Let me give you a picture about a situation. This happened few hours ago when I went to buy my groceries with my besties.

Salesperson: May I help you?

Me: Oh, I've found the item that I want.

Salesperson: Would you like to try other brand, XXX (the product's brand is under the term of confidentiality)

Me: No, I don't think so.

Salesperson: But this brand is better than that (pointing to the item in my hand)

Me: Really? But I prefer this one.

Salesperson: (still trying) If you take this product (the XXX brand), it'll benefit you this and that and so on and so on...

Me: Never mind, I don't need it. This is what I want. Thanks by the way.

and then I left.

Be firm when you decide on something, even if it's just a simple thing like what happened in the dialogue above. Always be polite, and you won't feel too bad even if you are going to turn down other people (this is for those who are scared to displease others, like me)

And if possible, don't be so submissive. Learn how to voice out your thoughts. It's you who decides, anyway.

ps: I'm actually still learning on this too. :) Everyone is learning.

To be or NOT to be

Sometimes to live a life means to choose, to decide.

We decide on what to believe and what to not; what to do and what to not.

A lot of people making decision only to regret it another day.

No one will be able to tell, whether one has made the right decision or not. It's all in the person's hand. We may pray to God for wisdom, but at the end of the day, our body and soul will be responsible for the choice that we've made.

I always love these lines, uttered by King Baldwin IV in the Kingdom of Heaven (my favourite movie ever!)

"You see, none of us chose our end really. A king may move a man, a father may claim a son. But remember that, even when those who move you be kings or men of power, your soul is in your keeping alone. When you stand before God you cannot say "but I was told by others to do thus" or that "virtue was not convinient at the time. This will not suffice. Remember that."

and so does this:

"There will be a day when you will wish you had done a little evil to do a greater good" (by Princess Sybilla)

***

I wish that I'm wise enough to decide.

Ps: King Baldwin IV was portrayed by Edward Norton. He has a calming voice. ^_~

Testing Testing...

I was inspired by a book entitled "Things that I Want My Daughters To Know" by Elizabeth Noble. I would like to write up my thoughts and feelings, and maybe share my values to my children (not literally my biological children, but rather to the future generation who may happen to read this blog one day)

I'm an amateur writer, and my grammar sucks. Bear with it, or perhaps you can help me in correcting it.

Ciou.