more minutes to New Year!!!

It's time to bid my odd old beings goodbye,

and welcome the new year with new fresh positive spirits! (did I arrange the adjectives in order?)

Countdown: Start

Almost In

It has been a while. I didn't touch the keyboard. And I don't have any interesting stuffs to share with you all.

But the urge to scribble some words to be up here is always there.

So what I'm gonna write now?

First of all,

"Merry Christmas, folks! (no, it's never too late to wish folks on the Christmas Season!) and have a Happy New Year! Have a blessed and good one (Of course, if it's blessed, it should be good then)"

We are going to step into 2010 soon. I guess I'm gonna forward my last resolution to next year. Yeah, to grow up more. And of course, to be able to write more beautifully.

There was a lot of things had to be done recently for my next year education enrollment. Looking at the paper and programme list kinda exhilarating. No doubt, it's going to be tougher but we'll sort it out somewhere. And surely, more effort will be contributed in order to stay survived. O~~ what a boring nonsense I'm talking about?! sorry folks... maybe I'm just too excited... (am I??)

Well, Polar Bear told me that he may not be around for some period next year. So, that means, I have to be more independent and try my best not to burden him too much with my stuffs.

OK, I guess that's all for the time being. Pray that I could love more.

-Miss B-

Hamlet without the Prince.

I remember a friend told me not long ago, “no one really understand us but us”. I nodded at her words.

Now, if only she’s standing right in front of me, I would ask her the thing akin to her say. “What if I don’t?” because there is some time I’m looking at myself as if watching someone else. It’s like looking at a mirror and seeing someone else’s reflection.

“Why do I do that?”

A question of which answer I sometimes could not conceive.

I feel like an actor living in a motion-picture, whose ending is not known yet. I wish I could ask the director, where does this whole drama head to?

I’ve endured so many starless nights, waiting for the dawn to come… like a child counting the stars in the sky and wondering how far it is to reach one…

I wish another Einstein will come up and tell us the formula on how to grow up. Or how to be like Peter Pan… If only we human can choose: to grow or not to grow.

-Miss B-

Reminder: Be grateful, dear heart.

Starless Night.

I made an attempt at every vehicle that passed through the road, but of no avail. Not a single soul is willing enough to offer me a ride.

Being an adult is something peculiar. Unfathomable and unpredictable. I wish I could write something beautiful about it. I guess it’s all about whether you’re being grateful, patient enough to have faith, and continue to work for the betterment of every situation. Lose faith, and you’re down to nowhere. Or bad to worse, grievance awaits, ready to usher you to the world of meaningless doom.

Yeah, I’m in somber mood now. I try to think of something that would set me free. My selfish heart's screaming need no one. But a warm arm wouldn’t harm.

I need someone. Possibly, an angel.

-Miss B-

Breather

I don't know why but looking at the blue sky remind me about life... That we human should have been more grateful...

I promised myself that I would be content, whichever place I would be located as long as I am to be spared, and stay survived.
But when the verdict reached me, I was not. and these few words keep on roaring in my mind "If only I got better than this..."
My flesh keep on enticing my weak soul to regret the fate.

I have to learn.

...to be continued....

The Undiminished Touch

I wish I have words that describe the feelings
... and photos that picture the emotions.

I wish that I have you, right in front of me
so I can let you know how much I miss you...

- Little E Miss B-

To Kiss A Mockingbird

I dislike fights. They give me no peace at all.

Aw, sorry folks! I know I should have not bored you all to death with my grunts of some personal stuffs of my own. Atticus Finch in the “To Kill a Mockingbird” himself taught his children that it was the polite thing to talk to people about what they were interested in and not about your stuffs alone (Lee, 1960) → oops, looks like I haven’t forgotten how to cite people’s work. *Grin widely*

So, since I dislike fights, I should not go deeper. And I hope, you are not interested in that topic either. But if you are, well… I don’t give a hoot! End of story!

Let’s change the topic. I know (maybe some of you know it too), that I actually don’t have anything to talk about. I just come out up here to ramble (who cares, anyway?)

I told you in my last post that I’ve been rereading “To Kill a Mockingbird” by Harper Lee. And I also let you know that it’s an interesting story. Well, it definitely is. After finished rereading the story, I’m now re-rereading it again to study the meaning of some difficult words that I’ve skipped, due to “no-idea-of-what-it-means” syndrome. And guess what, I found the story to be more interesting! These two things make me wonder: how ideas fly to Harper Lee who able to write the story so beautifully; and how literature can actually teach us to be more human.

But sometimes, human beings are so ignorant. That even if they swim through a great ocean of literature, they are still unable to perform the things that they’ve already swallowed. They flaunt that they read these and those great books but at the end of the day, nothing much changes. They fling back to their old beings, without really read between the lines. And that, to my mind, made them a prat for they have no idea what they’ve read (of which once they thought they'd understood). Yet, they contradict it with the practice of their myopic old beings. Let’s take an example from the “To Kill a Mockingbird”. Scout was scolded by Calpurnia for criticizing Walter Cunningham’s table manner. We all agreed that Scout should have not done so. But at the end of the day, one or two of us will go around and do exactly the same thing Scout has done.

All of this brings us to the unfathomable-yet-interesting world of IRONY.

It sometimes scares me to death thinking that I’ll grow up to be one of the folks. I know it’s hard, but I wish I grow up to be another Atticus Finch, and raise my children to be one. Ain’t it a better world in the making?

“…Anything that goes into his stomach and then on out of his body. But the things that come out of the mouth come from the heart, and these are the things that make a person ritually unclean…” (Matt. 15 :17-18)

-Miss B-

After so long...

I wish I could write more... If only I could get internet connection at home...

O~~ life has been great since these couple of weeks (although I have some troublesomes at the beginning due to my form procedures). Thank to my "Polar Bear" who's willing enough to help me in getting all those stuffs done... (whoa, it's been a long time I didn't blog about him, did I?)

I have a lot of things that I would love to share... but maybe I can only save it in my Word files at the moment and post it soon I get a descent connection (do people use "descent" for connection??? ---talking about grammar ;P)

Since few days ago, I've been REreading 'To Kill A Mockingbird' by Harper Lee. Undoubtly, it's a real interesting novel, and most importantly, it makes me thinking (I really need my brain to stay functioning).

Been thinking, eating, walking, sleeping, laughing, and cooking lately. It's a real fun to have the chillun around (although sometimes they bring such a pain in the neck!). They love my cooking, although my youngest sister didn't eat my "Sauce Chicken" once because she was mad at me. There, I notice that even a child has his/her own ego. It hurts their pride to low it down even with grown people. I have to understand this. I have to understand them.
I'm sure I'll learn more theories regarding this soon. ;P

Owkaaay.... looks like I didn't lose my words although after so long of empty entry. "That's good", hee, I'm echoing Yuri Karpov in 2012 (film). I prefer it to the Transformer :P (been watching 2012 twice, for crying out loud! ha-ha)

Oh, one more thing that I need to tell you all (if only there's one) is I miss my friends.

-Miss B-

The mix feeling

My lecturers always say, "Learning should be fun!"

And I totally agree with it. Ironically, people tend to "make fun" of learning.

I am one of the people. No, I'm not proud of it.

I have to really learn now. I probably need to learn on "learning".

All the best, Me.

-Miss B-

ps, I suddenly miss my grandma's house so much...

Rambling Mode --> On

I have a simple dream: To live a simple life.

People say, life is tough. But I wonder how tough is tough enough (if only you know what I mean)

No idea.

No one could tell about the future.

You may plan and decide your choice but the final deed is done by Him.

Learn to have faith.

-Miss B-

The Inner Conflict

Tonight is supposed to be all mine.

A moment of mine.

But when you have a lot of noises in mind, you just feel like you don’t deserve anything.

Nada.

My heart falls to the lowest point at the moment. My world feels like crashing down too. I feel like a failure. Maybe I was thinking too much. And I know I should not. I should have more faith.

I hate myself when I am down. I hate to look sulky. I need my mask.

“Miss, may I take photo with you?”

Smile. “Sure”

Little E is growing up

I hope I can always write even in the time of estrangement...

These past few days had been a great battle for me but at the same time I could feel the power from above really tapped on my tiny little soul.

I asked... and by faith, I received.

*The most beautiful and wonderful thing is You...

Let me find peace in seeking Your face...*

Money is the Root of All Evil.

I bet everyone will experience this: Financial problem

No matter how loaded we are, money will never satisfy us. It binds us, makes us feel desperate in our dependency on dough. It never quenches humans’ greed, especially for those who dedicate their life to their financial thirst.

As a student, I could not shield myself from this problem. I sometimes rack my mind, pondering on how to not lose bucks in short time. But I (who sometimes succumb to human nature of being greedy) find it’s very hard to do so. There is a lot of temptation out there that always lures my weak soul to be a spendthrift.

The most embarrassing part is when I have to call home, asking my parents to “lend” me some bucks (I prefer to use the term “lend”, although I am much aware that "lend" is the synonym for “charity” in my “student-penniless-life dictionary”)

Maybe that is why I’m quite close-fisted when it comes to money. But at the same time, I would not feel comfortable if I learn that I am in debt with anyone (including my parents).

You see, I always dream to be independent, and calling home to ask for money really hurts my pride.

I don’t want to be a prodigal daughter.

I need to be wise. I must have a plan. My economy should be manageable. I have to learn how to be an accountant of my daily finance.

So I won’t be a burden to anyone, including me, myself.

Learn.

-Miss B-

The Under Garment

I wonder how difficult it is to be a prince.

Do you have to own fancy dress, or look dandy, look sane, all the time?

Or how would it be like to be a princess?

Voluptuous figure, pretty face, good sense of fashion…

Do you have to be born with elegant gown and sovereign crown?

Do I have to be regal to be accepted?

To be not looked down, to be respected?

If I am a clown, am I going to be rejected?

Will you be ashamed if I go to you as a pauper?

I hate myself for could not be perfect enough…

Or maybe…

I hate myself because of you…

***

Fie! Fie! Fie!

Hamlet, I summon thy mask!

-Miss B-

***

I am out of speech.

But deep inside my heart, I would love to share the feeling of peace that dwelling in my heart at the moment.

I feel like singing out loud, reaching out my hand to the sky...

Praising and Worshiping Him...

* Cast away the feeling of estrangement, Dear Lord. Let me celebrate and find peace in Your mighty work of Salvation...

-Little E-

If you're happy and you know it, clap your hand!

One thing you have to know about me is... I am so fond of singing

When I feel like I'm on the top of the world, I'll sing

When I feel like the world is crashing down on me, I'll sing

When I feel like I could die of boredom, I'll sing

When I hit the roof for out of reason, I'll sing

When I am lost in a blurred world, I'll sing

So, no matter what mood I am in, if I feel like singing, I would.

although sometimes I sing out of tune. lol.

This morning I woke up and went to take my bath. Yup, the need of singing suddenly arouse, and I couldn't help my voice follow the tune of my heart and start dancing in rhythm...

Then,

A friend spoke from outside, "you sound so happy!".

I smile. If only you know what is thundering in my heart...

***

I wish I will always sing and sound happy.

-Miss B-

Motivation before dawn

I wish I have the language in hand

So I can express myself well...

It was so frustrating when I could not make people understood what I was trying to tell them.. It felt like a great failure... like I was a "no good" teacher.

But, I wouldn't be defeated!

= Read more, Practice more...

Another Drama in Life

To Choose.

I wish I could have all the things in list without deciding any choice.

To consider, To ponder

Ahh...

A great dilemma painted by thousand doubt, anxiety...

...and wrecking one's sanity!

O Rationale, where art thou?

The mind is speaking

Words come out unconsciously

It may hurt just like a knife

It may be retold to other’s soul

and sound differently from the original state

…

…..

…….

I have to be very careful

I have to.

Because to speak means to function the brain

The tiny little thing...

Tiny sparkling eyes opened up,

Staring blankly, wandering

Or could be thinking…

“Where am I?”

“Who am I?”

Tiny pouty lips,

Pinkish pure…

Trying to make a sound

But the only thing could be heard

Was a soft roar...

Letting the oxygen comes through the lung

Breathing life...

Tiny little fingers grasping the air

Poking softly onto the bosom

Striking to the heart of a tender creature

Touching those little fingers forming a bond

Nurture of love

Tiny little soul born to the world

Naïve, innocent

Born with a thousand dreams of the future

A pure clean slate to be colored with

Thousand hues…

Tiny sparkling eyes

Tiny pouty lips

Tiny little fingers

Tiny little soul

Born to try

Twinkling Star

Twinkle twinkle little star

How I wonder what you are

Up above the world so high

Like a diamond in the sky

***

The star is unreachable...

Too far...

My hand could not reach out that high...

I picture you in my heart.

I miss you

As simple as it is

I would love to write something.

But my mind quite blank now.

Word does not come so eloquently....

But I'm ready for a try.

So, here we go.

***

I used to dislike cat.

My preference lay on dog, puppies, I mean...

They are so adorable and have been known for being man's bestfriend. :)

However, recently my attention was drawn to a tiny little kitten who was born in our hostel block few months ago. She was certainly adorable and playful. The mother bore 3-4 kittens (If I'm not mistaken), but she was the only survivor. She and her mother live on the kindness of some hostel residents, who are generous enough to spend some bucks on feline foods.

They call her 'Princess'. Active and adorable.

But here, she is lazying around with her

mother (the black+white in colour). I just love this picture. It symbolizes the bond between a mother to her child.

I wish that there'll be no more news about babies been left aside, next to any garbage bin.

and I wish that there'll be no more children abandoning their parents in any old folks' home.

(Sigh, Too much of Vikas Swarup's Slumdog Millionaire, I guess...)

But still,

I wish I'll never be so heartless by committing either the former or the latter.

Never, soon or later.

-Miss B-

ps, a friend will undergo an operation tonight. I hope she gets well soon. Exam is around the corner. Let's pray for her.

Bubble Talk in My Mind

I wish that I could write better and not struggling to express my thoughts.

I have to inject my mind with some doses of informations.

I have to train my brain to write coherently and cohesively.

= Read More.

-Miss B-

Be nice. It won't harm

I was once struggling to be accepted by others. To have a bond called Friendship.

So I did almost everything just to have one that would be there, stick for me when everything goes wrong and share my laughter together.

I did have friends. But friends who would be nice only when they were not with theirs. Friend who would ditch me during their happy2 time, and come back to me when things are not that happy anymore. It's like a cycle. Not to mention, they laugh with me and soon afterward they laugh at me behind my back. Teenage Drama.

Maybe I was too annoying for them
Maybe I was too eccentric
Maybe I was not good enough to be their friend (and thus I deserved to be hated and backbitten)
or maybe I was just being too dramatic, too much of being drama queen.
I have no idea. Nobody ever told me.

As I grew up, I met new people and made friends.
I grew a habit too. I tend to stay away from the crowd, and celebrate my peace in walking alone.

I notice that there are a lot of people around me.
and sometimes I saw the teenage me in others' eyes...
People come to them when they need them, and leave them when they don't. Easy to come, easy to go.

I am one of the People (easy to come, easy to go).

Yes, I feel bad.
I hate myself for being someone who I used to hate.
I wonder why...
Is it because I am a human being; a sinful creature who tends to forget of who I am and tend to fall easily into the deep of wickedness?
I have no idea. Nobody ever told me.

But one thing for sure, I sometimes seek help from those who I consider to be the most annoying people.
When I was emotionally ill, I was comforted by those who were hated and backbitten by most (yup, I am one of the "most").
and when I was sick, I was taken care by those who were thought to be eccentric by all accounts (and I contribute to the "all accounts")

I found love from those who I never thought would be capable to share some.

I wish I could be nicer to them, to everyone

and then I would be able to write in my journal one day that I'm able to love.



-Miss B-

I'm not the kind of girl

who is shy and timid... or speaks with low voice, with graceful gesture, and smile introvertedly...

Well, I may be a bit shy at first, but get to know me and you'll find a friendly creature with

excessive smile (I heard people complain that I smile a LOT!) so yeah... hope you get the point!

I have just found out that meeting people is quite fun and interesting. Before this I used to have the fear of looking silly in front of others... but hey, I guess I'm improving... *clapping*

Long story short, I attended Youth Alpha which was held in my friend's church recently. Well, for those who do not know what Youth Alpha is, it's actually a program /course that provide opportunity for people to explore Christianity in a more relaxing way (we have dinner together before the session starts... and it's FREE!!! *wink*).

I enjoyed the talk, and also the discussion... It allows us to express our opinions, thoughts and even doubt regarding faith...

Not to mention, the opportunity to meet new people, make new friends is thrilling! They are all friendly, but you've got to be daring enough to break the ice, smile and say "Hi" to them. I was quite overwhelmed when I first joined the group. I felt quite inferior, quite scared (maybe because of my inarticulate language). I didn't want to look silly, neither being someone who people would make fun of.

But, after I came to the next session, everything started to be easy. I was not too afraid of speaking with upside-down English (If only you know what I mean)... and I don't think they mind... as long as they understand me, who cares about grammar??? *smiling widely*

David and Wyatt. David is from Nigeria, while Wyatt is from China. David didn't eat that night, while Wyatt seemed enjoying the food so much!

Grace and her group... The lady in red t-shirt is Wan Ding, another new friend :) She's studying in INTI college

Cassey and Yong Shen. Thank to Yong Shen for I might not be able to finish my rice if he didn't take 3 quarters of it! (I'd eaten before I came--My bestie's yummy home-cooked chicken curry!)

I noticed that Wyatt was still eating when Yong Shen snapped this photo!

***

I have had so much fun :D

Thank God for everything...

-Miss B-

Just a thought

Marie Digby is one of my favorite singer/composer... She writes beautifully... I love how she put her thoughts in words, in every line of her song lyrics...

and here's the lyric....

Unfold

what i can remember

is alot like water

trickling down a page

of the most beautiful colors

i can't quite put my

finger down on the moment

that i became like ... this

you see, i'm the bravest girl

you will ever come to meet

and yet i shrink down to nothing

at the thought of someone

really seeing me

i think my heart is wrapped around

and tangled up in winding weeds

but i don't wanna go on living

being so afraid of showing

someone else my..

imperfections

even though my feet are trembling

and every word i say comes

stumbling

i will bare it all.. watch me unfold

unfold

these hands that i hold

behind my back are

bound and broken by my own

doing

and i can't feel

anything, anymore

i need a touch to remind me

i'm still real..

my soul

it's dying to be free

i can't live the rest of my life

so guarded

it's up to me to choose..

what kind of life i lead.

cause i don't wanna go on living

being so afraid of showing

someone else my.. imperfections

even though my feet are

trembling

and every word i say comes stumbling

i will bare it all.. watch me unfold

unfold

i will allow someone to love me

i will allow someone to love

me...

love me.. love me...

***

Yup, I have the desire to be "unfold" too... To be more confident and free myself from anxiety of being imperfect...

No one is perfect, yet there is room for improvement.

I wanna be a butterfly...

who might be once a caterpillar,

who might be once struggling to stay existed,

who might be once dreaming of being beautiful,

who might be once waiting for the time of her own,her day to be among the stars...

I wanna be

A caterpillar who at last turns out to be a butterfly...

All the best, Me

ps, and to you too... :)

-Miss B-

I guess I have blogged more than a year already.

I have a blog before (long forgotten one, written before starting for 'Becoming Miss B')

and these are some of my favorite posts.

and...

-Miss B-

An afternoon out with the girls

Today, I went out with the girls again.

5.00 pm: Casey and Rhenu bought their drinks from Starbucks while the three of us; Tharini, Mel and I went in just to sit (no buying). We talked, planned and laughed. We talked about our outing plan after our exam. Too bad, I was busy changing the setting of my phone, so I wasn't being too attentive. Sorry girls...

5.30pm: We went to this bookstore where I almost grabbed Khaled Hosseini's "A Thousand Splendid Suns" and Slumdog Millionaire, initially known as "Q&A" by Vikas Swarup. My besties forbad me to buy those books. "We'll let you buying novels after the exam", they promised me. See, how 'concerned' they were to me? *winks*

So, yeah... they saved me from spending another 70 bucks on books... and also saved me from spending time reading those books... the time when I am supposed to revise for exam.

but still, I'm so gonna buy those books later. :P

5.45pm: We went to another restaurant to pack foods for Rhenu's roomate. I bought a burger and some fries --> share it with the girls. We talked again, and laughed... :D

6.00pm : Wait for Uncle Kim to fetch us and send us to another area of the city to buy T's cake. She would be going back home for Diwali's celebration. Rhenu too.

6.15pm: Went to a stall for dinner (I've been eating and eating and drinking!)

8.00pm: Reached campus. Tired but happy. Have had fun the whole afternoon. :D :D

It's so good to have friends. Although I may prefer to have time on my own, sometimes having their companies are a great relief; they blow away your anxiety, sadness.

Go get a friend today. You'll feel much better, much younger. *wink*

To my girls

I love you all!

Thank God for the blessings.

-Miss B-

Inspiration before dawn

One of my biggest fears in life is waking up in the morning finding that I'm unable to love...

How am I supposed to live a life to the fullest if I'm numb and couldn't feel anything? How am I going to enjoy the sunrise without feeling the greatest feeling that God ever gave to human beings?

I wish I will never go through that path.

I wish I will never stop enjoying and sharing love... to wake up in the morning and forgive the person that I hate the most...

It's not easy though... but it won't harm to have a try.

Pray and have faith.

-Miss B-

Me... on improving my English

I don't have class today. Yipee!!! so, I decided to blog, more and more... oh well, let see how much I can post... (^_^)

I didn't blog for quite a while... I've been overloaded with assignments... I don't even have the time to think of blogging... My fingers were all occupied for typing my essays...

I would love to blog, updating the recent things happened in my life... though I'm not sure if there's people who would spend their time reading it...

after all, I don't really care much... I just want to see how fluent I am in putting it into words... :P

Ok, back to the topic that I want to talk about today. I recently bought a book entitled "At First Sight" by Nicholas Spark... one of my favorite authors... Initially, I was looking for Khaled Hosseini's "A Thousand Splendid Suns" but I didn't find it. Maybe I'll go hunt for it later.

How I wish I could write like them! I wish I could join workshop or enroll any class for creative writing... I always wanted to be able writing beautifully...

But first and foremost, I have to improve my language... work on my grammar, and read more for vocabulary...

I need to improve my speaking too!

and be more confident while talking...

All the best, myself!

-Miss B-

it's time to grow up more

Being 21.

and I feel great. So much better compare to my last birthday. I

know what I want to do with my life, and I have direction to go. I don't feel inferior for being older than everyone. I just feel good...

Well, I should thank my friends for this... every single thing that they've done just to make me laugh on my big day. Make me happy. Make me understood of feeling been loved. I thank my family too... for brought me up, bringing me to where I am now... but most importantly, I thank God for everything... So many things happened... growing up, learn to climb, learn to walk, learn to get up when get stumbled, and most importantly... I learn to love and appreciate every little things in my life...

I have visions in my life. Dreams and ambitions... and if it is God's will, I'll make it true.. through tears and smiles... hardship and strength...

Thank you Lord...

The Absurd Me

It's been a while since my last post... I rarely blog nowadays except if I am inspired by something and I am urged to put it into words so I won't never forget about it...

and YEAH... I'm inspired now... :)

I've been overloaded with tons of assignments since these last few weeks.... I can't wait till next week... because after that I would not have to stay up along the night just to submit my assignment the next day... and yup, I am a real procrastinator... I wish I could change that... In fact, I'm supposed to redo my reflection now... but I just feel like blogging... wee!

When people talk about assignments, I usually see their tensed faces... Usually, this statement will be overheard... "I HATE ASSIGNMENTS!"

In fact, I'm of the same opinion too... not once, but most of the time...

This may sound absurd, but deep down in my heart, I kinda love it...

Doing research, reading articles and journals, and then putting the ideas into words...

I may not be the best writer, for I used to write grammatically wrong...

but I love to arrange the ideas, trying to connect it to one and another... It's like playing Jigsaw Puzzle... and I can sense the way I think, and my ideas are growing along the way...

Call me Nerdy... but I'm definitely going to miss the moment staying up late at night just to analyze those articles....

>.<

ok, Miss B is off. Assignment time!

ps, I recently learned this...

"xoxo"

lol...

Reminder

There'll be a moment when you wish that you hear nothing but His voice alone...

Keep your faith...

Being ME

It's not easy to be ME. Seriously.

why?

BECAUSE I GET TENSED EASILY, ESPECIALLY WHEN I AM ASSIGNED TO DO SOMETHING.

and I'm tension now. shee...

and I'm a last-minute person (Don't you ever dare to even think of being like me, you'll regret it!)

Seriously, I'm trying my best to be more organized... to cast away the procrastination that dwells in me. but things happen, and sometimes I just can't help it (lame excuse, I know).

But one thing I love about me, no matter how last-minute I am, I still wanna do it beautifully... although I know it's impossible to get a task done perfectly in a blink of time. Yup, that lessen my nerves... again and again...

making me a temperamental person. The person that I myself hate to be.

so, what should I do in order to overcome it?

easy. plan, be hardworking and STOP procrastinating.

will I ever succeed?

-

--

--->

why not?

Save me... from being MEAN

sorry folks...

What's yours?

Some said, good laugh is the best medicine for the soul...

I have always been a comedy fan :)

My recent favourite is "A Bit Fry and Laurie". It was a BBC series and broadcasted between 1989 and 1995 (Wikipedia, 2009)

I love the accent :D

Their jokes made me pondering, yet never failed to make me laugh.

Here's one. Downloaded it from Youtube.com

I learned this few days ago:

"Life is like participating high jump. We jump over the bar but it will always be raised"

Nothing is considered as perfect. Yet, humankind is perfecting on betterment, never been satisfied.

If you have passion on something, and that something doesn't harm anyone (including you), go for it. Live it to the fullest, but don't let it curse you.

~Miss B~

Born To Try

sung by Delta Goodrem

Doing everything that I believe in
Going by the rules that I've been taught
More understanding of what's around me
And protected from the walls of love

All that you see is me
And all I truly believe

That I was born to try
I've learned to love
Be understanding
And believe in life
But you've got to make choices
Be wrong or right
Sometimes you've got to sacrifice the things you like

But I was born to try

No point in talking what you should have been
And regretting the things that went on
Life's full of mistakes, destinies and fate
Remove the clouds look at the bigger picture

And all that you see is me
And all I truly believe

That I was born to try
I've learned to love
Be understanding
And believe in life
But you've got to make choices
Be wrong or right
Sometimes you've got to sacrifice the things you like

But I was born to try

All that you see is me
All I truly believe
All that you see is me
And all I truly believe

That I was born to try

I've learned to love
Be understanding
And believe in life
But you've got to make choices
Be wrong or right
Sometimes you've got to sacrifice the things you like

But I was born to try

But you've got to make choices
Be wrong or right
Sometimes you've got to sacrifice the things you like

I was born to try

***

This is what I want you to know. Life is hard, but you've born to try...

So, find your way...

~The Story of My Addiction~

Sonnet 147

~William Shakespeare~

My love is as a fever, longing still For that which longer nurseth the disease, Feeding on that which doth preserve the ill, Th' uncertain sickly appetite to please. My reason, the physician to my love, Angry that his prescriptions are not kept, Hath left me, and I desperate now approve Desire is death, which physic did except. Past cure I am, now reason is past care, And frantic mad with ever more unrest. My thoughts and my discourse as madmen's are, At random from the truth vainly expressed; For I have sworn thee fair, and thought thee bright, Who art as black as hell, as dark as night.

"Red Flag" Days

I was (am? lol...) a sulky person. Unpredictable, and quite ill-tempered. Reminiscing the past, I saw myself on the phone with my teenage sweetheart, weeping and expressing how sorry I was for starting our argument. Usually this clause would be overheard, "...because I was having my PMS..."

People say, it's easy to put the blame on someone/something. It can protect our innocence, so it won't be too obvious that we are actually on the wrong side. Of course, because most of the time, no one wants to be convicted...

Back to PMS, I'm not really sure if there is any scientific evidence proving that women would experience characteristic-transition during the period (I'll try to do my reading on this later, :P)

Question to ponder: Does it mean that women have to hurt their loved-ones just because they are on 'prior-red-flag days'?

As a young woman, I've experienced all this. I let this idea of "I'm not emotionally stable because of PMS" enrolled my logic and at the end of the day, I became SOMEONE ELSE, hurting those who were so dear to my heart. I couldn't tell how remorseful I was and wishing so bad to be able to turn back the time... to undo all the mess and destruction that I'd done.

I know that I have problem. And even if this is out of my control, those people around me do not deserve the pain...

Don't be deceived by the lie of PMS

or anything that can turn you to be someone new who is NOT you.

You know yourself better than anyone else.

and I'm learning this too, with you...

Don't Complain, Work Harder.

Today was my first day of School Based Experience(SBE) where my group members and I are expected to observe and take notes on classroom management and English teaching methodology. There are 9 more days to go. What I can say about my first day is... I hate it. Yeah, you heard me. I hate it. There is a lot of things that does not reach my expectation.

However, when I took time to reflect on what I'd gone through, I was suddenly overwhelmed with intense guilt. I haven't started teaching. Yet, I've already grumbled on things that do not please me.

How am I going to be an educator if I myself could not stand this strain? It's just a beginning, an early barrier. And I've decided to devote my wholly life to this vocation. Should I withdraw from it now?

I can't change the world for I've no power in doing so. But I always believe that I can do something in order to help my future children, who will soon be the leaders of the world.

I am Jetfire in the Tranformers: Revenge of the Fallen (movie).

Faith Like A Child

People say, every cloud has silver lining. There is hope somewhere, no matter how difficult the situation is.

I used to feel despondent, and was sometimes struggling with suicidal thoughts. If only I stop for a while, and be thankful for what I've been given, things might not be that bad anyway.

Life is too beautiful to be decorated with melancholy. Everyone deserves more.

I'd love to improve my life and try not to be gloomy anymore. So I can tell others to cast away all their sorrow, strengthen their faiths to keep holding on..... to the Utopia of their lives...

Thought

We can't please everyone... But that doesn't mean we can be mean to others.

Sometimes we may think that we are just plainly joking around people without really think that we are hurting them. And we may tend to brush them off when they try to ask us to stop.

Be careful.

-Miss B-

Decision

Most of the time, I tend to be scared when it comes to make decision. Why? because I get intimidated very easily. I always want to please others and put them before me, deny my own right to be pleased.

There's nothing wrong if you want to consider the implication of your decision to those around you. However, there's a limit for it. Bear in mind, you cannot please everyone.

I used to have this problem before. I have been always worried that I might offend others if I don't put them in my consideration. I've been so submissive. As a result, I made decision which turned out to be a transcended remorse afterward. and yeah, I hated myself for it!

Let me give you a picture about a situation. This happened few hours ago when I went to buy my groceries with my besties.

Salesperson: May I help you?

Me: Oh, I've found the item that I want.

Salesperson: Would you like to try other brand, XXX (the product's brand is under the term of confidentiality)

Me: No, I don't think so.

Salesperson: But this brand is better than that (pointing to the item in my hand)

Me: Really? But I prefer this one.

Salesperson: (still trying) If you take this product (the XXX brand), it'll benefit you this and that and so on and so on...

Me: Never mind, I don't need it. This is what I want. Thanks by the way.

and then I left.

Be firm when you decide on something, even if it's just a simple thing like what happened in the dialogue above. Always be polite, and you won't feel too bad even if you are going to turn down other people (this is for those who are scared to displease others, like me)

And if possible, don't be so submissive. Learn how to voice out your thoughts. It's you who decides, anyway.

ps: I'm actually still learning on this too. :) Everyone is learning.

To be or NOT to be

Sometimes to live a life means to choose, to decide.

We decide on what to believe and what to not; what to do and what to not.

A lot of people making decision only to regret it another day.

No one will be able to tell, whether one has made the right decision or not. It's all in the person's hand. We may pray to God for wisdom, but at the end of the day, our body and soul will be responsible for the choice that we've made.

I always love these lines, uttered by King Baldwin IV in the Kingdom of Heaven (my favourite movie ever!)

"You see, none of us chose our end really. A king may move a man, a father may claim a son. But remember that, even when those who move you be kings or men of power, your soul is in your keeping alone. When you stand before God you cannot say "but I was told by others to do thus" or that "virtue was not convinient at the time. This will not suffice. Remember that."

and so does this:

"There will be a day when you will wish you had done a little evil to do a greater good" (by Princess Sybilla)

***

I wish that I'm wise enough to decide.

Ps: King Baldwin IV was portrayed by Edward Norton. He has a calming voice. ^_~

Testing Testing...

I was inspired by a book entitled "Things that I Want My Daughters To Know" by Elizabeth Noble. I would like to write up my thoughts and feelings, and maybe share my values to my children (not literally my biological children, but rather to the future generation who may happen to read this blog one day)

I'm an amateur writer, and my grammar sucks. Bear with it, or perhaps you can help me in correcting it.

Ciou.