Hey everyone! quick updates about me:
- I'm married to my college sweetheart --> yes you guess it correctly, Polar Bear!
- I got pregnant within months after the wedding and I'm a proud mother to a baby girl!
- I got back to work after my maternity leave - about 2 moths + after the labour.
- While I was at work, my baby was taken care by my sister for about three months.
- Found out two weeks ago that she was called to a job interview, and therefore we had to find someone to look after my baby while my husband and I are at work.
- I was worried when my husband told me the daycare that we've been planning to send my baby to had no vacancy!
- But we were lucky because a staff who works with my husband told that she could help and would talk to the manager to let my baby in.
- So today was her first day of daycare. I was not at ease. I missed her the moment we left the daycare (I felt numb initially, then tears came down streaming my face out of sudden)
- I feel so helpless at the moment. If only getting an unpaid leave is a choice, I would definitely do so. I can't bear the thought of leaving her in the hands of strangers (in my mind she is crying her heart out, hoping Mommy and Daddy or her Aunty B appears and hold her).
- My poor baby, I'm so sorry for having to do this for you. It's definitely not the best for you. Your grandma has offered to care for you but then I can't bear the thought of not seeing you everyday since they are staying a couple of hours away.
- I pray that those with caring hearts will be the ones who look after you while Mommy is at work. Mommy will try my best to be there for you always. May you always be protected and surrounded by those who love you. Please Lord, protect her always. I won't be able to forgive myself should anything happen to her...

So this is how a mother feels like. You love unconditionally. With your spouse, you probably get sulky once or twice and then tell yourself you don't love him/her anymore (few seconds before you sob and call him/her that he/she is your other half - you can't function without them). But with your baby, you are left without choice, condition, etc. Be it rain or sunshine, YOU HAVE TO LOVE THAT TINY LITTLE THING (and you don't even know if they love you back).

-worried mom-

Hello again you!

Hello again my dearest journal. How has life been treating you?

It's been a while since I uploaded my last post. Life has been a roller-coster experience, with a lot of emotional bumpy ride along the way. I wanted to write them all. So you'll know what person I've been and become since the last time you read me.

But first maybe I should tell you that I'm married! Of course with the one and only, Polar Bear. I used to think once, if I were to get married, I want my husband to be like him. Well, joke aside I'm indeed married to him now and I thank God for that. I've been falling in and out of love with him. There's been up and down, left and right, doubt and certain about our relationship. But I'm glad that we've made it this far. Cheers to our future together!

I'm still teaching at the same school and I guess I need a new environment already! I seriously hope that I will get my transfer this time and hopefully start my master soon. I envy my former coursemates, most of them are now doing their master despite of their busy schedule.
But I know God is working wonders with my life. Experience has taught me that what I wish to get isn't always the best for me. I have to have more faith in Him, and trust His plan because there is none better than what He's planned for me.

I want to ramble more about my life but I guess it won't be appropriate to retch everything into this one post, especially when it is a comeback story. I will find time to fill you in soon. Till then, take care.

Love,
-Miss B aka Mrs. Polar Bear-

Ramble of the heart

When I ran out of things to say,

I ran till my lung hurt.

Hoping that every breath that I took would heal the wound.

You wicked soul

How feeble could you be?

Tempted easily, your yearn for that forbidden fruit would lead you astray.

Focus. 

This phase too, shall pass.

Time flies till your memory fails you.

And everything will be dreamlike

And you laugh like an old grandma

Recalling her season in the sun.

Would you ache for your once-beauty too?

Would you wonder how life turns out if you choose the other path?

Temptation.

It's like a broken record. And I thought I've outgrown that part.

Silly you. You let narcissism camouflage your inner being.

Vain and purposeless.

Let's pray hard that this too shall pass,

before the damage can't be undone.

An Update

How do I feel after a week? Well I guess I've started to get a good grip over everything though things sometimes slip out of my control. Feel less frustrated, which is a good thing because I don't distress my family and Polar Bear constantly. Apparently, they've been quite anxious about me. Well I don't blame them because I'm worried about my sanity too.

To ease myself and make up for having a bad start, I plan to buy myself something sophisticated. However, I really need to check on my financial state as well as it also influences my mental health. Sigh, I would never be able to recover from this. I used to think that money-wise wouldn't bother me once I get a job. Well a big mistake there, Young B! You've got lots of things to learn.

And to those of you who have been making my life difficult at the moment, I hope for for roles-swapping! I hope one day you would learn what I've felt so you won't do another soul a damage. *sobs*

I forgive you. A bit. Sigh.

Dear Lord, if this travail leads to You, so be it.

-Miss B-

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger!

(A)
Sometimes I'm afraid people misinterpret my self-deprecating jokes/statements for humble-brag. Polar Bear told me once that I should try act cool - by that he means to speak less - as I tend to speak excessively without realizing that I put others off. How awful!

(B)
My mentor - someone who is sent by the government to supervise and guide me in teaching (how lucky! *smirk*) describes me as frantic. I got panicked easily. I didn't know where I got that from but this trait has seemed to emerge since my early teenage years. If you're to come over to my school, you'll recognize me easily by just looking out for a female teacher with frowns on the forehead, walking fast with lots of files in both hands/ or sitting at her place with a pen and might be in a deep thought. I just can't help it. I'm always worried that I'll forget something so I just carry everything in my arms. I walk fast because I want to save more time. And because of this my colleague used to make fun of me. "There goes the busiest person in the world". I smile whenever they make that remark about me although I'm boiling inside. I feel like shouting at them."Hey, this is just me! For you, I'm probably that someone who makes small things appear big. But for me, I'm doing a great deal!"I can't help the way I walk or the way I get panicked when problems occur. I DO want to get help. I want to meet professionals who would help me to be better and calm down. But where would I find such help in this remote place??

(C)
My new resolution for this year is to be more passionate in whatever I'm doing, especially in my career. I want to be sincere in doing my work, give my very best, and most importantly help my pupils. So I've been suggesting few matters to the administrators in which I think would help in increasing the school performance. Little did I know some people would have considered my intention to be you-think-you're-so-clever act! And so they went (as so I thought) "You think you're smarter than anyone else, let's grant you piles of workloads and see if you can handle them well!"

A + B + C + Loneliness = how frustrated I am at the moment.

I yearn for companies though I don't feel like talking.

I can't wait to get out of this place. Though some of the people are diamonds, whom I call 'friends'.

Give me strength, dear Lord.

-MissB-

Love

Now let's look… My last post was published in March. No more post after until this one. Hello everyone… or maybe I should just say hello you, because I don't know how many people left waiting for this post. Probably just you, my future reader. So this post is dedicated to you. If you could bear it a little while longer, you could probably read me, as in what sort of person I've become since my last post. 

I would only write something up here under few circumstances. First, when I strike upon ideas or  thoughts that it's so hard not to write about them. Second, when I'm depressed that I need to let out my emotions through my writings. Third, when I have heaps of things to do but I just couldn't care less. All aforementioned situations lead to the birth of this post. And maybe, I do miss writing a little.

The last few days have reminded me on not to rely much on my human strength. That I need to trust God more. There are certain things that I wouldn't be able to help or handle. But I should never let them suck the life out and leave me in despair. I should never over-think the solutions or answers. That I should have prayed more, but instead of bombarding God with questions over "why this happened to me", I should have listened and let Him speak through the silence. That I should give thanks and praise him for all good things that He has blessed me with. 

When I meditated upon the rosary today, I realized that in His last moments on the cross, the Lord was accompanied by His loved ones. Surely, He went through the ordeal on His own, but His mother was there, and so did the others that were dear to him. It makes me think that sometimes in life, I would hit the bottom and have to go through everything myself. But God would never leave my side. He would always send someone to be there for me. And that brings me peace. Because there were periods in the past when I had rough time, I prayed but I couldn't feel His presence. As if God never existed. And it angered me to wonder how He could leave me during that kind of situation. But He never did. He sent angels to me. These angels came in the forms of what I call as 'friends'. Or those strangers who smiled at me and made me feel better. Or those puppies that acted so adorably and melted my heart. Or those birds that flew in the sky and made my heart leap with hope. Yes, I experienced my hard time on my own. But these angels are God's way of saying "I love you, child. Just carry on more". I feel the love, Abba. Help me to have more faith in Your perfect timing for everything.

With that sharing, I call it a day. Till my next post. And I have to come back to my piles of works.

-Miss B-

It's been a long time. Hello everyone.

I rarely have time to update this page and even if I do, other circumstances always hinder me from doing so. However today, I have this burning thoughts (does "burning" colocate "thoughts"?) that I need to tell you before it gets extinguished because this I think you have to know this.

...or maybe the right word is to learn.

If you've been reading me since the beginning you surely know by now that I am a person with low self-confidence, and I don't deal with relationship well. I struggle in keeping the bond. One thing that I've learned to this day is that relationship needs efforts. Besides, it takes two to tango. You won't dance unless if your partner is willing to do so.

Like I told you earlier, I'm not good in this and no, I'm not proud of this trait of mine. Initially, I want to keep everyone who is dear to me close, and I want it stay that way for infinity. However, just like how paint on the wall fades through times, relationship does too. One has to keep up its maintenance, and possibly re-paint if needed.

So I prayed to God the other day, and suddenly heard my inner-self's little voice saying "help me to keep relationships that are worth-pursuing". I was startled. The word "worth-pursuing" has been stuck in my head until this very moment. When I reflected on it, I saw myself as a person who is always trying hard to please others in other to be likable. To be accepted. To have friends. And I sometimes go to extremes in which I deny myself from benefits and rights in place of other's. In the end I suffer and the saddest part is there is none of them worth the trying or pursuing. They don't feel the same about me and worst, hate me even more.

-MissB-