The topic starts with the letter 'B'.

I'm so bored. Like seriously. So bored that I could write each letter of the word 'BORING' on a piece of paper and even decorate it! ...but I'm so lazy to do so at the moment.

I've been watching some movies. But before those movies even reached the climax, I could feel my eyes becoming heavier. When I decided to stop, sleepiness left me and boredom stroke me again. Then I resorted to books, tried to immerse myself in every page but of no avail. I only found it interesting for the first three pages before boredom courted me again. Urgh!

So, here I am now. Seeking comfort through blogging. Hoping that by writing, I would be able to lessen the unbearable ennui, which comes frequently these past few days. I know I should have been studying for my examination, but I don't feel the urge yet. I'm a lazy person who's so bored. Help!

***

I wish my sometimes-eloquent self would take over. I miss writing so expressively without struggling for words. Yes, not that I want to boast, but I do have such moment when I suddenly feel possessed (in a good way) and overwhelmed with emotion; as though seeing me as a different person, I watch the 'other me' typing effortlessly on the screen -- with the exact words that describe everything vividly!

How I wish that I never experience the moment when words fail me!

***

Is there any more issue that I want to talk about in this post?
I don't know.
Maybe I should just go sleep.
I have a class tomorrow, in which I'm so lazy to go (wow, it actually rhymes!).

Till later folks. Hopefully I'm not that bored that time. -___-

-bored Miss B-

Being a huge green monster

Last night, I went to the cinema to watch The Avenger with my flatmates. Polar Bear had watched the movie earlier yesterday, so when he told me it would run 2 and half hours, I started to worry. I'm not a big fan of Marvel's superheroes, and I'm only familiar with Thor as compared to the rest (thank to Polar Bear who dragged me to the movie last year). Before stepping in to the cinema, I was like... Oh gosh, I would probably fall asleep half way!

But it turned out awesome. The superheroes were humourous! I actually enjoyed laughing most of the time, although I was quite disappointed with Thor because he didn't do much in closing the portal (to stop Loki's army from coming in to the planet) as compared to Ironman (he won my heart when he sacrificed himself toward the end!).

I was quite fascinated with The Hulk as well. I've just found out that he would turn into that green monster when he's angry. Well, that's a new information for myself.

Talking about anger, I think I could be The Hulk right now. There were a lot of things happened, and they were not according to what I've expected them to be. I'm actually mad at myself. Mad, for being so helpless. For being in a situation that I was forced to. Mad, for the responsibility that was pushed toward me when I thought I had already washed my hand of it. I was utterly frustrated

But learning from *Dr. Dan Gottlieb's 'Letters to Sam', I calmed myself down at these sentences:

The root of frustration is desire... the big question is... how do we deal with the frustration we feel when our desires are not satisfied? When frustration is unchecked, it turns to rage, and rage trigger actions (p 69-70).

Yes, I agree with him when he told about how hitting the wall is not a bad thing. Yes, he's definitely right about "the wall is there to teach us a lesson" (p 70).

So I think, it's time for me to reflect on the events that made me angry. To ponder upon the lesson that I have learned from the problem. To stop blaming myself or others that had caused me this misery - including my laptop, for shutting down suddenly after the battery went flat.

To Polar Bear, I'm sorry for losing my temper. It's so uncool of me. I love you, and thank you for being there and listening to my tantrums although it has nothing to do with you.

-repentant Miss B-


*Gottlieb, D. (2006). Letters to Sam: A grandfather's lessons on love, loss, and the gifts of life. New York: Sterling.

Talking about writing

My life has been a bliss lately with all assignments submitted, and waking up in the morning everyday without worrying about class and so much more.

How are you doing folks? Have you been good since I last wrote to you? :P

Well I wish you well. I know I've left this page unattended for quite a while. It's just that idea doesn't hit me hard enough (same old excuse, I know). And even now, it still hasn't hit me, but I've come up here owing to the fact that I miss scribbling something, although it's just a total gibberish. Sigh, I know now Shakespeare's pain when he was hit by writer's block (if you watch Shakespeare In Love by John Madden, you'll know what I'm talking about). It could be an ugly situation, you have a deadline to meet, say tomorrow, and yet you have written nothing even on your drafting paper!

As a teacher, I know that a writing task must have a purpose and an audience. It's important for learners to know about these two so that they would be able to decide what form and style of their writings that meet those purpose and audience. But sometimes, for adults, knowing these two doesn't help much. We still end up struggling, and by the end of the day, we would write anything (even if it makes no sense at all) just to achieve the expected word count. 

I just hope that this situation won't happen to me during exam tine. :S

- Miss B-

  

Bona Fide Miss B

I finished writing my report yesterday, and now I'm working on the last assignment for this semester - another 2000 words reflection! Sigh, I can't wait for Monday, when I would submit everything and declare myself free - well, at least for about two weeks before I sit for the only exam for this year.

Next semester I'll be going for practicum and I'm already nervous whenever I'm thinking about it. I try my best to build up my confidence, and prepare myself mentally by reading books about English teaching and learning (for those who don't know yet - yes, I'm that nerd). I try my best to link any classroom practice to what I've read. And yes, I've scrutinized the curriculum documents as well. It's important for me to know what type of product the country wants me to produce. So yeah, I've started to embrace the fact that I'm to be a teacher!

Seeing my friends graduate made me envious. I want my degree certificate so bad. I know that most people told me that working phase is not all pretty story - with paper works to write and more responsibilities on shoulder, but I'm just indifferent to it. I just can't wait to graduate and start a new life. Maybe I long for a sense of accomplishment - and that degree certificate is the only thing that would quench my thirst. I want to get a job and buy a washing machine (lame, I know). I want to work, buy a car, rent a house, and do things that I would never be able to do before due to financial constraint. And eventually, when I've saved up some money (God willing) I'll think about settling down with Polar Bear. You see, I have everything planned already. But first, I need to face my demon - insecurity and lack of confidence. I'm constantly trying to boost up my confidence and learn things that I believe would help me with it.

Apparently reading "Letter to Sam" by Daniel Gottlieb has urged me to think more about life. Now I really need to get back to my work.

Till then, be good everyone! Ciao!

-Miss B-

This morning, I was young.

I was taught to be critical, to look beyond fancy cover, and read message between the lines when I was in Gender Studies class last year. It was fun, I've come up with conclusion that I definitely love thinking. Hah, how funny (and weird) is that?? 

I don't think I'm critical enough. Sometimes, I'm much swayed by people's bias and notions. But still, I'm trying to stick to my ground, something that I've established with my values and and what I believe about life. Well, it was not easy though. There's time when situation makes me disobey those rules. And I hate it. I feel like living a pretentious life, and it was so not me. So unoriginal. 

Cut it. I think I'm rambling again. I don't mean to review life up to that point.

***

So I woke up early this morning. Yay! After having my simple breakfast - muffin and coffee (I was bliss-out!), I flipped through the magazine that I bought three days ago. I used to love reading it as a teenager, but I haven't read it for quite long already. 

I don't mean to be mushy or sentimental this morning, but the feeling when I first turned the cover was indescribable. I feel like a teenager all over again -- lying on my front with legs up from the back while flicking through the pages, answering quizzes... All brought me back to those days when I, an eager teenager, was excited to know about life, crazy over pop stars (quickly checking if any of those guys in school resembled one)... Sigh, how time flies~~

Now, I wonder how this feeling of being sentimental can help me through the agony of writing a 3000 report, which dues tomorrow. :S

-Miss B-

Caught in between.

I had a long day today. Huff and puff, it was so exhausting! and now that I'm a sick tired person, I become quite cranky. Strange and weird too. All negative emotions cumulate, and I become a pathetic angry being. I feel so small and inferior.

So when I heard about others who are of the same age as me are now having their own careers, I get so envious. I know I sound so ungrateful now, but I just couldn't help it. They are now thinking to continue their second third degree, even some are now studying for PhD and I'm still stuck with my degree. I feel so unaccomplished.

I'm an ambitious person. There are a lot of things in this life that I want to achieve. But I'm such a slow low achiever.

Grrrr, B self-deprecating won't bring you anywhere! Wake up!

Somebody please slap this negative being of me.

Maybe I need to take my shower first. A long, pampering one.

-Miss B-

Been there, (not sure if) done that

My sister loves this song so much that I can't even change the channel when this song is played on the television. So, one day I decided to listen to this song better and it's definitely a wonderful song with beautiful lyric.



Waiting Outside The Line 
by Greyson Chance


You’ll Never Enjoy Your Life,
Livin' Inside The Box
You’re So Afraid Of Taking Chances,
How You Gonna Reach The Top?

Rules And Regulations,
Force You To Play It Safe
Get Rid Of All The Hesitation,
It’s Time For You To Seize The Day

Instead Of Just Sitting Around
And Looking Down On Tomorrow
You Gotta Let Your Feet Off The Ground,
The Time Is Now

I’m Waiting, Waiting, Just Waiting,
I’m Waiting, Waiting Outside The Lines
Waiting Outside The Lines
Waiting Outside The Lines

Try To Have No Regrets
Even If It’s Just Tonight
How You Gonna Walk Ahead
If You Keep Living Blind

Stuck In The Same Position,
You Deserve So Much More
There’s A Whole World Around Us,
Just Waiting To Be Explored

Instead Of Just Sitting Around
And Looking Down On Tomorrow
You Gotta Let Your Feet Off The Ground,
The Time Is Now, Just Let It Go

Don't Wanna Have To Force You To Smile
I’m Here To Help You Notice The Rainbow
Cause I Know,
What’s In You Is Out There

I’m Waiting, Waiting, Just Waiting,
I’m Waiting, Waiting Outside The Lines
Waiting Outside The Lines
Waiting Outside The Lines

I’m Trying To Be Patient (I’m Trying To Be Patient)
The First Step Is The Hardest (hardest)
I Know You Can Make It,
Go Ahead And Take It

I’m Waiting, Waiting, Just Waiting I’m Waiting
I’m Waiting, Waiting, Just Waiting
I’m Waiting, Waiting Outside The Lines
Waiting Outside The Lines
Waiting Outside The Lines

You’ll Never Enjoy Your Life
Living Inside The Box
You’re So Afraid Of Taking Chances,
How You Gonna Reach The Top?

The song says it all. The message is deep - to have the courage to step up. Would you?

-Miss B-

An Easter Letter.

I think I’m an over-thinker. I think a lot. I ponder upon things that beyond everyone’s understanding. I think a lot until my brain hurt. I ponder upon things too much until my heart aches - either when I get into the conclusion, or when I reach nothingness. 

It’s pretty bizarre up there. Being inartistic, without much talent to offer, I’m not capable of painting the things in my head. I’m sorry folks, I wish I could bring you into it (if only you want to). I’ll let you see the endless business of weighing the wrong and the right. Or the unruly flow of uncertainty that coils up every slope in my head. Complicated, eh? I don’t expect you to fathom, because I scarcely do myself.

Today, when I was at the church, I thought about hell. About the reason why people want to stay away from it. I learned from a friend not long ago that hell is a place without the presence of God. It may sound simple at first. A place without the presence of God. So, I try to work the logic in my head. “without the presence of God” would mean you are no longer entitled for reconciliation. You’ll lose the special bond that you have with him. You’ll be deprived from your right to pray. Imagine praying without the peace in your heart. Praying a prayer that won’t be answered, because God is no longer there. The feeling of hollowness, of being alone. Cold, like when you’re out during winter night, where you walk alone along the lonely street. Where winter chill’s stuffing your breath, and it’s iciness creeps into your bones. And you pray for sun, for light, and for hope to be loved again. But of no avail, because you lose that special bond with Him, the right of calling Him Abba.

Surely, a lot of people are picturing hell as a scorching place with blazing fire, where thousand suns continue to burn every single thing in it. Maybe it’s something like in dessert. Hot and waterless.

But it’s the none-presence of God that dreads me. Living eternally in darkness, without the light of hope, neither the warmth of love. And you’re all alone. It’s worst than being dead. You’re left to live regretting your own existence every moment to infinity.

Lord,

Teach me to cherish this special bond that I have with You.

And if by loving we rekindle Your presence among us, just like more than 2000 years ago, I pray that You grant us with a big heart to humbly love one another.

Make me worthy to be invited to the banquet, where You, and us the lowly being, at table and sat down.

Amen.

-Miss B-

April 1st. *snigger*

My Polar Bear has definitely gotten himself a mischievous partner. Well, I salute him for his patience in having me as one. As someone who is well known for her lame joke, I have a real problem when it comes to play a prank on others. And what makes it even difficult is when the prank is meant for someone like Polar Bear who would not fall for one easily. I have to try hard.

So I was looking through my calendar, and had just realized that today is April 1st. The evil side of me suddenly emerged, and I was tempted to play a trick on someone. I had just talked to Polar Bear beforehand, and that made him an easy target. He wouldn't suspect a thing. So I called him up  few minutes after he wished me good night. The idea was impromptu. I couldn't believe myself for being able to come up with something that quick. Of course I felt bad for getting him into the whole thing. But I couldn't resist the temptation. It's April Fool, the day when pranks and fools become legit. Someone's gotta be the victim, sorry love!

So it went this way.

Dialed up his number. Connected, and he picked up.

Me: Who's Amy?
Him: (sleepy voice) mmm?
Me: (Try hard not to laugh- make it sound like sniffing instead) the one who posted on your wall!
Him: what?
Me: You and her! Saw the post! goodness, I even saw you were in a photo with her! What's with "you made my day" on your wall??
Him: What? Who's that? (sleepy voice turned awake) could have posted on the wrong wall!
Me: Don't you try that with me! How could that be possible?

I hung up straight afterward. Hoping it was convincing enough to wake him up from his bed (FYI, Polar Bear and his bed is BFF. Once he hit the bed, no one would stand a chance to wake him up until he does himself)

My phone beep. An SMS from him, telling he was waiting for his laptop to start. (My heart leapt. Almost there, B!). I went to his wall and wished him Happy April Fool. Then waited for him to read the post himself.

Skype rang. I picked up.

Him: Ha-ha (annoyed + 'heck-you-woke-me-up-for-nothing' voice)
Me: Happy April Fool!! (grinning) and sorry!
Him: (Not impressed. Gave me 'the look' instead) .....
Me: ... (shoot, I'm in a deep sh*t) Sorry!!!
Him: My heart skipped a beat.
Me: Sorrrrrrrrryyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!!!!!

After few minutes of silence that felt forever...

Him: Don't do that again.
Me: Sorry...
Him: But I can't deny that you're good. I fell for your trick.

Gah, he admitted it at last! But that didn't lessen my guilt, especially when he complaint about having a headache right after my prank call, and that he's going to have a long day tomorrow, which justifies how important his sleep is to him now...

Pity him for being the victim! But he shouldn't be mad at me for pulling his leg, should he? After all, it's his sweet little bonny, the innocent Miss B!

-Miss B-