Love

Now let's look… My last post was published in March. No more post after until this one. Hello everyone… or maybe I should just say hello you, because I don't know how many people left waiting for this post. Probably just you, my future reader. So this post is dedicated to you. If you could bear it a little while longer, you could probably read me, as in what sort of person I've become since my last post. 

I would only write something up here under few circumstances. First, when I strike upon ideas or  thoughts that it's so hard not to write about them. Second, when I'm depressed that I need to let out my emotions through my writings. Third, when I have heaps of things to do but I just couldn't care less. All aforementioned situations lead to the birth of this post. And maybe, I do miss writing a little.

The last few days have reminded me on not to rely much on my human strength. That I need to trust God more. There are certain things that I wouldn't be able to help or handle. But I should never let them suck the life out and leave me in despair. I should never over-think the solutions or answers. That I should have prayed more, but instead of bombarding God with questions over "why this happened to me", I should have listened and let Him speak through the silence. That I should give thanks and praise him for all good things that He has blessed me with. 

When I meditated upon the rosary today, I realized that in His last moments on the cross, the Lord was accompanied by His loved ones. Surely, He went through the ordeal on His own, but His mother was there, and so did the others that were dear to him. It makes me think that sometimes in life, I would hit the bottom and have to go through everything myself. But God would never leave my side. He would always send someone to be there for me. And that brings me peace. Because there were periods in the past when I had rough time, I prayed but I couldn't feel His presence. As if God never existed. And it angered me to wonder how He could leave me during that kind of situation. But He never did. He sent angels to me. These angels came in the forms of what I call as 'friends'. Or those strangers who smiled at me and made me feel better. Or those puppies that acted so adorably and melted my heart. Or those birds that flew in the sky and made my heart leap with hope. Yes, I experienced my hard time on my own. But these angels are God's way of saying "I love you, child. Just carry on more". I feel the love, Abba. Help me to have more faith in Your perfect timing for everything.

With that sharing, I call it a day. Till my next post. And I have to come back to my piles of works.

-Miss B-

It's been a long time. Hello everyone.

I rarely have time to update this page and even if I do, other circumstances always hinder me from doing so. However today, I have this burning thoughts (does "burning" colocate "thoughts"?) that I need to tell you before it gets extinguished because this I think you have to know this.

...or maybe the right word is to learn.

If you've been reading me since the beginning you surely know by now that I am a person with low self-confidence, and I don't deal with relationship well. I struggle in keeping the bond. One thing that I've learned to this day is that relationship needs efforts. Besides, it takes two to tango. You won't dance unless if your partner is willing to do so.

Like I told you earlier, I'm not good in this and no, I'm not proud of this trait of mine. Initially, I want to keep everyone who is dear to me close, and I want it stay that way for infinity. However, just like how paint on the wall fades through times, relationship does too. One has to keep up its maintenance, and possibly re-paint if needed.

So I prayed to God the other day, and suddenly heard my inner-self's little voice saying "help me to keep relationships that are worth-pursuing". I was startled. The word "worth-pursuing" has been stuck in my head until this very moment. When I reflected on it, I saw myself as a person who is always trying hard to please others in other to be likable. To be accepted. To have friends. And I sometimes go to extremes in which I deny myself from benefits and rights in place of other's. In the end I suffer and the saddest part is there is none of them worth the trying or pursuing. They don't feel the same about me and worst, hate me even more.

-MissB-