Shiver

This song has been sticking my head since last night. I guess it's the intro, it's really something. Indescribable. As if feeling the coldness of misty morning, overclouded by fog. And as you wait for sunlight to come you are forlorn in your own world, alone and lonesome, and cold.

I wish that ' she' (the persona in the song) finds her love. May she never feel the feeling that I've felt while listening to this song. May love warm her.

Keep warm :)

-Miss B-

child of their love :)

When I was a teenager I used to dislike my problematic skin, scarred upper lips, slanted eye, flat nose, and big thick lips. I felt so ugly.

But as I grow up, I began to be thankful for what I am and how I look like. I may not be the best looking girl in the world but I am me and unique in my own way. My dad told me once that I look a lot like him, and he wondered why I didn't resemble my mom... but I think he wanted me to look like him much till he didn't realize that I have my mom's smile :P

When I browse into my photo album, I see both my parents in all my photographs. And thus, I'm proud, because I resemble them both and symbolize their love. I hope they feel and think the same :)

-Miss B-

Microsystem

I've been reading about school transition lately, and it reminded me to a boy in my hometown who quitted schooling after his first day at primary school. I didn't really know the reason, but from what I heard, he was punished by a teacher and that was it, he was terrified and never came back.

Well, I remember him being quite a 'determined' boy, who often 'greeted' older children from school by chasing and stoning them (and I was one of the victims). As a child myself, I used to hate him because he always annoyed me by doing monkey face and calling me names.

But I would imagine him being so excited for his first day at school. His dad bought him new pairs of school uniform, cool school bag, books, pencil case, and so on. And thinking that the school would be a new territory for his notorious behaviour, he set something up without the knowledge of the school's rules and regulations.

When a teacher found out about his misbehaviour, he was punished (I always imagined him wailing and howling for this episode) and when he came home that day, he said 'au revoir' to the school and schooling forever.

Being a teacher trainee, who's read and been told about thousand of classroom managements, makes me wonder, 'What would happen to the boy if he wasn't punished that day?'

Well, I know that he has grown up and now working as a labour in a factory, but still it doesn't stop me from pondering the question. From what I heard, he's illiterate and this upsets me. He could have at least learn to read.

My reading told me transition is a big process for children. They move from their comfort zone to an unfamiliar setting (Fabian, 2000). This can be either a terrifying or an exciting experience. And teacher hold the power, whether to make it fun or scary for students.

I'm pretty sure that it was a hell experience for the boy. He was new to the school and not familiar with the rules and regulations. Nobody ever told him what he was expected to, and even if he was told, as a new student, he surely had a problem in meeting the expectation. He'd never been to any school or any formal setting before. If only he knew...

And I can't stop thinking myself... if only he wasn't punished...

-Miss B-

Another yawn before dusk

There's this Indonesian song that was once so dear to my heart. Well, it wasn't really my favourite, it was kinda depressing but I could relate to every line of it. And now I guess it speaks the content of my heart well.

The song entitled 'Berhenti berharap', or in English, 'Stop hoping' or more to 'to give up hope'.

I didn't know why I was so demotivated lately. I felt like someone else, as though it wasn't being me. I miss being the enthusiastic me who'll fight to the very end. I miss the old me, who sought solace in everything that she did, enjoyed working hard, and immersed herself deep into literature and scholars.

Right now, I feel like doing nothing. I just want to be lazy, without giving a hoot if the exam is in 4 days. I don't wanna do anything.

-someone who misses being Miss B-

Demotivated to study

I

hate

insomnia.

It will definitely cause me to lose half a day later (which I can spend on studying!)

-wide awake Miss B-

The fruit from the forbidden tree

I've always thought that maturity is something that one will face as they come to an age. As for me, I thought I would reach it in my twenties.

Well, I don't know how much I've achieved, I definitely knows that I've learned a lot, but my maturity is not for me to judge. I mean, anyone can come to me and tell me if I act my age and so on, but would it be valid enough to measure my 'maturity'? I haven't got a clue for that one.

Maybe maturity is overrated. I mean, what does it really mean by being mature? and as what I've learned from my gender studies about postmodernism and poststructuralism, what is true for others might not be true for myself and likewise. Citing from Wikipedia on postmodernism, "there is no absolute truth and the way in which different people perceive the world is subjective" (Wikipedia, 2011).

So, when one tells you something about you, others might have different opinions. Some people may say, 'you're mature', while for others you're a mere child trapped in an aging body.

As for me, I try to follow the flow. I learn what is alright to others and what is the BIG no. It's not easy but if you're looking for the sense of approval, that is probably the right thing to do. And often, my decision is much influenced by my family, Polar Bear, and friends. Well, if indecisiveness is a gauge to measure maturity, I'll never reach 'adulthood'. This trait of mine always put me into trouble. Indecisiveness + Impulsiveness = a big combo that leads to downfall.

If you don't understand anything from this post, don't be sorry. Because it scarcely makes sense to me as well.

And I think, I'm being a child again.

To Polar Bear, I'm sorry.

-Miss B-

His name is 'Mike'

I've been with Mike for about 3 years already. He's been there throughout all the sleepless nights, seen me cry and laugh, and most importantly, he entertained me when I swear I could die of boredom.

He's been a loyal companion, and yup, most people envy me for having him. I should indeed count myself lucky, and probably take care of him more.

I sent him for vacation once. Folks, I couldn't tell you how much I missed and longed for him to come back. And when the agent told me that he couldn't come home with me on the day he supposed to, I was shattered. How could I live my life without Mike??? He's the helper, and I've been so dependent on him.

There's no word can describe how thankful I am of you, Mike. You've been a darling since the moment we met. I'm sorry for not taking care of you, I'm bad at nurturing. But I will try to send you to the agent again (though it breaks my heart to be parted from you) soon when I have the dough, because I know you'll be taken care there and it's a great escape from the hectic world... Plus, been seeing you much in Leopard... it'll be great to see you in Lion...

-----

--------------

------------------------

Folks, meet my wonderful Mike...

ps: I've just thought of naming him few minutes ago. Yes, Pro is his last name :P

-Miss B-

The story of my temptation

"If you want something, work for it"

I have to constantly remind myself that I will never get everything that I desire in life, and that money doesn't grow on the tree. My spendthrift mind has been racing recently, thinking hard on how I can finish my allowance in a snap. I want new toys so bad. Ipod or Ipad, new phone... and upgrading my laptop os to the latest version. I want to be up-to-date. And like I've told you, my mind's been racing so hard...

I think I'm a bit too selfish. No, major selfish. The temptation is so strong... It's so difficult to resist... So difficult to tell myself that I'm penniless and that my credit card is meant for emergency. I want to call home so bad, asking for financial support. But to do so means I disesteem myself. I'm 23, yet I call home for money so I can buy new toys. Sigh, where's your so-called independence, B?

I hope I manage to find a job soon to quench my 'thirst' for technology. :P

-Miss B-

The rant of an imp

Last night, I wasted my time browsing about computer tab. I was wooed by the idea of getting an Ipad, or at least an Ipod, while busying myself with study. But they are so pricy for a poor student like me, whose penny is meant for every grain of rice, buns, and vegetable... not to forget the house bills... *sigh*

When I called home this morning, Dad asked about my financial situation, and I was tempted to ask for help. But again, thinking of Polar Bear's frown enough to shut off the idea. So, I told Dad that I was okay.

***

I'm now on study leave, but I haven't really revised a lot of topics... Been procrastinating for the last 4 days... Gosh, I better start studying really hard soon.

I'm gonna leave this country less than two months... It won't be easy as I'm already attached to this place... I'm so gonna miss it being here, being a student on my own, meeting wonderful people that I made friends with, and of course, missing the climate! The four seasons in a day! where you wake up in the morning thinking that the sunshine's going to last till the end of the day only to be greeted by cold murky weather in the afternoon. Or when you wear your heavy bubble jacket to class at 9am because you think it's gonna be cold and windy only to be welcomed by the smiling sun two hours later.

It's beautiful here. Especially when it's spring. Flowers bloom everywhere and the sun shows its mercy after long months of cold winter... and it's still spring when I leave this country soon. An irony of beautiful season and sadness of setting off.

I don't wanna think of it yet. The thought of leaving is unbearable. I wish I have an Ipod, or at least Samsung Galaxy Wifi by then to amend the feeling :P

-Miss B-

A step to learned helplessness

My name starts with B. Apparently, my dad named me after his favourite character in a movie.

I still remember when I was at school, especially during examination where students had to circle one of the multi-choice question's answers (either A, B, C, or D), I used to circle B for questions of which answer I didn't know. When I was asked to justify my reason, I used to tell people, "because it was B. My name starts with B".

I was lucky then for most of the time the answer would be B. But there were several time when the answer wasn't and of course, I was in a deep trouble.

No wonder my grade always a B then. I should have studied much harder.

Until now, B seems a synonym for me, especially for assignment grade. I have been always dreaded about this. I know people always tell me that I should have been thankful for getting a B, but that wasn't the case for me.

I yearn for more. I long for excellence, thus I strive to get an A in everything that I do, especially when it comes to assignment. 'A' stands for ambition, and I'm indeed an ambitious person. I know people would associate this with me being Asian. Yeah, Asian always attempt for an 'A' in their study. Well, we can't really be blamed, can we? After all, the word 'Asian' itself starts with an A...

Scratch that, that's not the main reason why I want to get an A in my study. My friends said I was being too competitive, and that I always want to compete with others. But again, I wouldn't describe myself as 'competitive'. I was actually frustrated with myself. I mean, I worked hard as everyone else. I went to class, I did my assignments as good as possible, I sent them on time, and so on. But when it comes to the result, I always get lower than most people do. I mean, what's wrong with me? Am I that stupid? I can't help but thinking that I'm a real loser, because I've done so much, yet I gain so little.

I just want to feel the sense of accomplishment. I'm 23 yet I've achieved less. And I need this more when I stand next to Polar Bear. We have been rival for so long (though he never thought of me one, because he knows he's more academically inclined as compared to everyone). Thus, this explains why I want to improve my grade so much. I need good grades to further my study. I have a dream, and I want to make it a reality.

Or maybe, my grade will improve if I start to organize my desk - notes + books.

-Miss B-

Shhssshhhshhhshhhhs

I have a little secret. Yes, I won't disclose it to anyone but you, my dear loyal reader!

I've had a good cook since few days ago. And this cook makes a real good food. Everyday he feeds me without fail. :) :) :)

But today, he'll leave. And it'll be two months before he can cook for me again :( Oh, how I wish I have a good cook for good, for everyday!

My handsome cook waiting for food!

Farewell, cook! You've fed me well :) Skype you soon!

-Cook's subscriber-

:(

I'm so tired of learning English.

I'm so so so tired.

I hate how words often fail me.

I hate presenting in front, speaking to a bunch of people who don't even care to bother just because they couldn't understand me.

And they never know I spent one whole week to prepare for the speech. They never know I stayed up the whole night before just to come up with the stupid powerpoint. They never know I practiced my speech at 3 o clock in the morning and continued till the first light of dawn. They never know it took me hours till I was satisfied to print out my notes.

I'm so hating myself. (I know it sounds awkward. we don't say that in English. Heck, who cares? Will you speak my native language better if you have to suddenly learn it?)

I'm so so tired.

I'm so so so tired.

-Miss me not-

Being reflective

I have a research proposal that due tomorrow and I haven't started writing anything yet. Let alone the readings. Gosh, I'm too listless! I slept at 4 this morning, been up working on previous assignment that due at midday. Then woke up again at 8am. Keep going B, I have to tell myself over and over.

And now, instead of working on my proposal, I'm procrastinating again. My back aches. I tried to read the journal for my research but I couldn't really make sense of it.

Bet I would be busy from now on. Juggling between studying, reading, class, practicum, part time job, bible study, socializing, family, besties, and Polar Bear. Plus, I have to enjoy this country as much as I could. The time is running out before the term ends. I'll be heading home at the end of this year, and then saying farewell to this beautiful country. Surely, I'll miss it for I've grown more mature in these last two years... Being away

from family, and learning how to be an adult.

I think I'm more confident now as compared to two years ago... I hope I'll grow up and learn some more.

-Miss B-

Yup, another assignment!

I closed my eyes imagining Polar Bear and I dancing to this song

I love the lyric, the voice, and the music to bits. Adele is brilliant! I'm a huge fan.

Oh, you are probably wondering why I'm still up at 3 am in the morning. Well, I have to finish my assignment which is due later at noon. :S

Other reason is I'm waiting for the moment of my tummy's 'biochemical disturbance' because I, by mistake, swallowed 3 rotten scones. By all account, it was stale because it smelled 'something stale', but I didn't get to smell it! It tasted + smelled fine to me, but I could have been deceived by my rumbling tummy! Assignments often make me hungry. And I thought scone would 'quench' it. Big mistake. :S :S

I have another assignment to work on. How I wish I were a wizard, wave my wand and 'finishio', there goes my assignment -- done on its own.

Polar Bear and I - excited for swing!

-Miss B-

The impromptu prompt

Suddenly this verse keeps on playing in my head...

"Your will above else, my purpose remains"

Lord, I thank you for the profound feeling that I experience this morning...

Your love is so deep, I want to kneel and praise You for you're so high and so mighty...

And I yearn to worship You with every breath that I have and my soul won't cease glorifying You...

I am worthy because of Jesus' blood. I am drawn into this relationship because of the perfect sacrifice...

Draw me more to you dear Lord... For I'm a humble servant, meek and weak...

I need Your hand to hold my hand...

Consume me from inside out...

Embrace me with Holy Spirit...

Let me feel Your everlasting Love...

I want to praise You!

and I WORSHIP you...

-Little E-

Let's love and risk it all!

Hello folks!

I don't have any assignment that due in two or three days and thus I don't have the urge to blog. Funny, eh? I would be dying to blog only when I have heaps of things to be done but when I have all the time in the world, this page is left alone... No, not that I'm neglecting this page... but you see, idea only hits me when I'm in the middle of finishing assignment... maybe because I have my writer's hat on during that time... and that's why idea comes and raise my urge to blog!

You know what happened in these fast few days? On Monday, I submitted the third copy of my assignment. Been up the whole night before to re-modify the previous copies. I was seriously frustrated with my very first copy of essay. It was a total rubbish! Coming to think about it, I've just realized that I've become more perfectionist in my work. And I become panic when I'm out of control! There you go, B! You've got the best reason to start working a wayyyyyy earlier next time so you have more time to 'perfection-ize' your assignment! My lecturer didn't accept the third copy though, but at least she agreed to mark the second one. I'm thrilled!

I was working in a new stadium recently and it was a great time! I worked with other people and it was a perfect opportunity to improve my English. I was a bit nervous when my supervisor moved me to the alcohol booth outside the building. I would be helping out the cashier to uncap the beer cans and fetch drinks from the fridge as customers want them. The funny part was, I was clueless when the cashier asked me to get a bottle of wine from the fridge. He told me the brand but I didn't know which one. I'd gotta ask my work-mate to help me as I wasn't familiar with alcohol brand... Interesting, though! The weather turned a bit chilly and became more unbearable as time passed... At the end of my shift I barely felt my fingers! My staff jacket did not keep me warm enough! But, I had fun :)

Oh, I'm such a chatter. Maybe I should stop now. But I would like to leave you all with a song that I've been listening to quite a lot lately...

It's Natasha Beddingfield's A Little Too Much

Stay in love, peeps!

-Miss B-

Ludwig

And tonight you were missing again...

How I wish the moon were here, at least...

It would be like staring into your eyes...

Where I see a mysterious light

that's beaming through your soul..

It was deep, and darkened by your past...

I wish I've known you better...

I could have dance together

and so you wouldn't have to jive alone..

I'm listening to your breath again...

Through the song you've written centuries ago...

When you were forlorn

abandoned by she who was so dear to you...

And to the moon you played your best pieces

For no one would know better..

Let every string trembles upon the sound of your soul

Let the key unfold the untold tale

Let the moon cries again

listening to you, the forsaken lover..

-Little E-

I blog when I'm unhappy :(

I know I didn't do well in my essay although I haven't got my result yet. I hope my lecturer would be gracious enough to award me with 'pass'. I feel so down now... I had no time to proof-read my essay yesterday. And I've just realized that I didn't complete one of my sentence, and that was where I quoted my marker's study. I feel like crying!

To top it all, I tried to prepare myself a dessert. A tasty one that would melt away all the depression... But I failed. The whipped cream did not turn well. I feel like crying again!

I feel like a REAL loser... I really need a sense of accomplishment. I need to feel like I MANAGE to do something.

-The Unhappy Miss B-

Contextualizing the text

For the first time, I feel so nervous tackling my assignment: an essay on gender issues in education. There's a lot of things going on in my mind, such as how I'm going to understand the articles, how I'm going to start my essay, and of course what my lecturer's response would be. She's presented her research on gender issues in many conferences. I'm sure that this is her thing. Thus, that fact makes me nervous. I'm afraid that she'll find my arguments childish and immature.

In fact, I rarely have a clue on what's going on in lectures. I gape at the sound of bombastic terms that my lecturer seems to attach to. I find it hardly to blink the moment I see alien lexicon on the slides shown. I keep on asking, how am I going to survive???

I really struggle a lot. I felt I've made a lot of efforts but to little avail. I'm so pessimistic lately when it comes to this paper. Undeniably, it's an interesting subject, an eye-opener to a newbie like me... For I'm quite oblivious of the current gender issues in education. In fact, the issues raised were not merely about sexuality or the oppression of women. It takes deeper concerns. Sometimes it happens the other way round. Men are at stake as well in term of opportunity. But of course, there is a lot of debates going on from both perspective of feminism and anti-feminism.

I haven't started typing yet. I have less than 48 hours to complete it all and there're heaps of pages to go (I've re-read them for like hundreds times!)

Wish me luck,

-Miss B-

The best time to blog is when you have a lot of works waiting... Sigh~

I'm such a nerd. When my housemate told me this morning that it was snowing, I felt like crying. If it continues till tomorrow, it means my session with my tutor the next day will be cancelled! I haven't started my 2500 words essay on gender issues. The readings are alien! I don't understand most of the terms, and thus I really can't afford to miss seeing my tutor tomorrow morning. I need her help to unravel the whole thing.

I know I should let my hair down a bit. Relax B, I told myself. So I walked to sunset mass this evening. It was white all over. Despite it being windy, I enjoyed watching the sky turning red, and flakes of snow falling from above. It was beautiful. I hummed and had this content

smile on my face.

I wish I had my camera with me. I should have brought my 5mp phone. Though it may not capture the landscape as good as an dslr, I would have still taken a quite decent photo for this page...

When I came back from the mass, I received an email from my tutor informing that the session tomorrow would still go on regardless the weather condition. Yay!

So, I don't really mind even if it snows all night long :)

I took this photo with my webcam while Skyping with Polar Bear this morning.

Just to show him another fantastic thing about being in NZ :)

Polar Bear's grandma was hospitalized yesterday. I pray that she's doing fine and that the whole family never give up hope. May they keep strong and unified throughout this time.

God bless you all.

-Miss B-

Electrifying

I'm so into classical music recently... Mozart, Bach, Vivaldi, etc...

Polar Bear commented on how my music taste's been improved when I told him I was listening to Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata. Goodness gracious! What does that suppose to mean? I always have a quite decent taste in music... *tongue in cheek*

Right now, Hana's Eyes by Maksim Mrvica's playing in head...

This song was written by a contemporary composer Tonci Huljic. I love the background vocal, it gives me goose bumps on the back of my neck every time I listen to it...

Oh well, gotta go back to work...

-Miss B-

Distant

I'm not a huge fan of Justin Bieber, but my sister is. I don't blame her, I was a teenager once and was obsessed with young pop star as well. She would play Bieber's songs over and over without fail.

Being million miles away from home makes me miss her. So I googled this song and found it on Youtube.

"Down to Earth" by Justin Bieber

ohhh,ohhh,oh
I never thought that it'd be easy,
Cause we're both so distant now,
And the walls are closing in on us and we're wondering how,
No one has a solid answer,
But just walking in the dark,
And you can see the look on my face, it just tears me apart.

So we fight, (so we fight)
Through the hurt, (through the hurt)
And we cry and cry and cry and cry,
And we live, (and we live)
And we learn, (and we learn)
And we try and try and try and try!

So its up to you, (oh)
And its up to me, (yeah)
and we meet in the middle, on our way back down to earth,
Down to earth, down to earth, down to earth
On our way back down to earth,
Back down to earth x8

Mommy, you were always somewhere,
And Daddy, I live out of town,
So tell me how could I ever be, normal somehow?
You tell me this is for the best,
So tell me why am I in tears?
(Woo) so far away and now I just need you here,

So we fight, (so we fight)
Through the hurt, (through the hurt)
And we cry and cry and cry and cry,
And we live, (and we live)
And we learn, (and we learn)
And we try and try and try and try

So its up to you,
And its up to me,
And we meet in the middle, on our way back down to earth,
Down to earth x3

On our way back down to earth, (on our way back down to earth)
Back down to earth x8


I felt so far away,
From where we used to be,
And now we're standing,
And where do we go,
when there's is no road (no road)
to get to your heart?
Lets start over again!

So it's up to you,
And it's up to me,
And we meet in the middle, on our way back down to earth,
Down to earth, (down to earth)
Down to earth,
On our way back down to earth,

I never thought that it'd be easy,
Cause we're both so distant now,
And the walls are closing in on us and we're wondering how?

***

Not bad, eh?

-Miss b-

Saturday rant

Browsing Facebook is like flipping a newspaper. You learn a lot of things from people's status on your notification wall. I must thank Mark Zuckerburg for initiating the social network. It's like subscribing to an alive magazines and it's free!

So I started my saturday morning by logging into my facebook account. I found out about A's breakfast, B's favourite songs, C's mood and so on. But what surprised me the most was E and F's marriage and they are now proud parents! Relying on my stalking skill, I browsed even further and managed to see their wedding photos (I didn't know when and where the reception were). I was not that closed to them, but it was as if just yesterday I saw them in their primary school uniform and now they've grown up, got married, and become proud parents...

Truth suddenly dawned on me: I'm aging. I'm no longer a teenager, the youthful girl with ponytail hair running around the school. It feels like just yesterday, but the fact is I've left high school for almost 7 years already!

Most people of my age have got married. Some are now working and have finished their degree or diploma. They've grown up. And I'm still in denial, that I have all the time in the world before I reach the age of adulthood.

I talked to my girlfriends about marriage recently. I found it a funny topic, yet scary, to discuss. To get married means you're not only marrying the person who would become your husband or wife, but also the responsibilities that come along the way. The family-in-law, for example. Looking on the bright side, you get a new family. But... what if I'm not good enough, not up to the expectation, and what frightens me the most is... what if I'm not able to fit in?

Maybe sometimes, I should lessen my stalking activity.

-Miss B-

Because of you

By heart, he's been there the whole time.

But I never really thank him for all of the things he's done for me.

And for this opportunity, I want him, a faithful reader of mine, to know that I really appreciate him for being my rock through and through.

I'm blessed :)

-Miss B-

To show that you're care

Been sick and bedridden. I felt so alone confined in a four wall room. Mom's been calling asking how I've been. And I feel like going home for nowhere in this world would ever feel home but under her care. And Dad's. and with my brother and sisters around me. I miss them terribly.

I hate being sick for it makes me succumb to reality that I'm helpless. I used to believe that I'm a capable person, that I'm so independent and of course, I can live on my own. But situation like this proves me wrong. That yes, I need help. I need people to tend me.

Being sick myself reminds me of my ignorance. How many people around me who have fallen sick but I never pay them a visit?

***

I don't feel like going to class yet, but I don't want to miss more lessons.

-Miss B-

Never Alone

I heard this song last night in a simple yet spectacular performance last night. I was almost tearing. It touched my heart so deeply and buoyed me up with its beautiful lyric and melody...

and here the lyric is...

Never Alone

by Lady Antebellum

May the angels protect you, trouble neglect you

And heaven accept you when it's time to go home

May you always have plenty, the glass never empty

And know in your belly, you're never alone

May your tears come from laughing, you find friends worth having

As every year passes, they mean more than gold

May you win and stay humble, smile more than grumble

And know when you stumble, you're never alone

Never alone, never alone

I'll be in every beat of your heart when you face the unknown

Wherever you fly this isn't goodbye

My love will follow you, stay with you, baby, you're never alone

Well, I have to be honest as much as I wanted

I'm not gonna promise that cold winds won't blow

So when hard times have found you and your fears surround you

Wrap my love around you, you're never alone

Never alone, never alone

I'll be in every beat of your heart when you face the unknown

Wherever you fly this isn't goodbye

My love will follow you, stay with you, baby, you're never alone

May the angels protect you, trouble neglect you

And heaven accept you when it's time to go home

So when hard times have found you and your fears surround you

Wrap my love around you, you're never alone

Never alone, never alone

I'll be in every beat of your heart when you face the unknown

Wherever you fly, this isn't goodbye

My love will follow you, stay with you, baby, you're never alone

My love will follow you, stay with you, baby, you're never alone

And now children, I dedicate this song to you for that what my heart wishes best...

God bless you :)

-Miss B-

Me being indolent

I didn't write for quite a while. I miss being here. Sorry folks, idea didn't hit me. I was busy being a student again after 5 weeks of sem break. How I wish it never ended. I woke up every morning being an ostrich. I buried my head under my pillow, telling myself that it was just the second week of sem break and I had another 3 weeks to go to enjoy to the fullest. Silly me. It's just the second week of lecture and I already feel so old. Piles of readings, assessment almost every week, lecture notes, etc... and to top it all, my brain's not functioning enough (still on holiday mood), and cough and fever have courted me! How sad...

I wish I could read Harry Potter more rather than doing my lesson plans... I'm reading the sixth book at the moment and I want to continue more... sigh...

I was super excited at first. I couldn't wait for term to begin. I miss being student. But now it was another different story. I guess I dropped all my enthusiasm the moment flu got me. tsk tsk...

Now I'm just staring at the wall, still wishing that it's just the second week of sem break.

-not the usual enthusiastic Miss B-

the lower side of me.

Yesterday I definitely did something that I was not proud of. It was so horrible and had taken the best out of me. I was really disappointed with myself.

Life would surely slap me twice. But I hope He'll forgive me.

-Miss B-

Different flocks on the floor.

I learned a phrase, or maybe an idiom, which goes like this: birds of a feather dance together. I think it summarizes well my previous post. It's true, indeed. I mean, we'll surely fond those who share our interest or opinion, won't we? But coming to think about that, it suddenly dawns on me that Polar Bear and I are not really 'birds of a feather'. In fact, I sometimes believe that we both come from two different planets which varies to bits. Of course, there's certain interest that we both share, but you still can tell the difference. Say in music, we both love music, and we both listen to it while we are working. But the genre may be different. He always called most numbers in my mp3 'weird', and I found some of the songs he listened to 'childish'.

And today, we fought again. Well, not really the fight that you see in drama where tears and shouting come in. Ours are more to a debate (We've been doing this since ages, even long before we knew each others' hearts and said "I love you"). He's really good in provoking. And I, an egoistic being myself, can't stand him poking the issues that bound in my 'expert area'. He criticized me for being so emotional in expressing my point of view, in which he called unconvincing. No doubt, I was offended. I wasn't trying to impose my belief on him, but rather to tell him things that I knew. Of course, I wasn't good in details, my memory didn't work that well and I wasn't even closed to being particular about every single thing.

I don't know why I suddenly become overwhelmed whenever we have this kind of 'conversation'. If it were another person, I wouldn't probably bother to tell him things. In reality, I'm rather pessimistic. I don't have the gut to debate with others especially when they appear to be the know-it-all person. I prefer to just nod my head, though I know they are wrong. But it was different with Polar Bear. Maybe because I have a high expectation on him, I couldn't stand him being wrong (he's always the one with the brain, anyway). Or maybe being the person who always comes the second after him; I, to some sort, want to be on the winning side.

Now, I have a different point of view. But I wouldn't say that my previous entry is a complete rubbish. It's indeed true, that to a certain extent, we are drawn together by our likeliness, similar interest, so on and so forth. But I can't deny the idea that sometimes, it's the oppositeness that binds us together. As most says, "opposite attracts". Like magnet, we are attracted to the 'different poles'. Maybe the magnet concept explains my relationship with Polar Bear best. He's different, and this difference draws me to him. And we learn to dance together, though we are of different flocks, different colours, and possibly different brains. Maybe sometimes it's better to accommodate and value our differences rather than to ridicule them.

-Miss B-

I just want to be 'Normal'

Sometimes in life, you'll meet people who view things from different perspective, or people who don't share the same beliefs or values as yours. Conflict occurs when these beliefs don't fit one another. So, what would you do?

This question has bugged me for quite a while. You know what, if you're not careful enough, it's easy for you to offend or hurt others. It's probably easy to say, "oh well I can't please everyone" but hey, even if you can't, that's not an excuse for you to be ignorant. In fact, it can be a major breakdown of relationship, and you may hurt others even more.

Questions to ponder, why do you think you're close to certain people but not to others? What is it that makes you disclose certain things to this group but not to the other group? Isn't it because there's time when you feel comfortable with this group than that group?

And what is it that makes you feel comfortable?

The answer that I normally hear is "because we can 'click' well". The person that you 'click well' with may share the same values as you, or favour the things that you also keen to.

But what happens to those who don't share the same thing, or who are being quite 'different' from you? Will you call them 'weird'? Probably. In fact, I used to be called as one just because I was different from everyone else. Ironically, when I learned to be 'normal', to be just like everyone else, I started to dislike these 'weirdos' (who I was once). Maybe that's why people become bully. Because everyone hates the victim, and thus it makes them a part from the group if they hate the victim as well.

I think that's why people have to learn to RESPECT rather than to TOLERATE. To tolerate makes you accept or endure someone or something unpleasant, but when you respect, you're actually being considerate not to hurt or harm others.

But I also know that the former is much harder to do. How can you respect something/someone when you dislike it? You've no choice but to tolerate. I guess for now, to tolerate is probably something that I have to learn before I proceed to respect. In order to learn how to respect, I probably have to stop being pompous, to stop thinking that I'm better than everyone else.

Thinking about this reminds me to what my parents told me years ago:

"Although you dislike one, you should always smile to that person. Be nice to everyone".

No, they didn't teach me to be hypocrite. They taught me to tolerate, the best start for me to know life before I could learn how to respect others myself.

Respect, a big word that I wish to manifest more in life.

-Miss B-

What a day!

So yeah, I had a quite interesting day.

I woke up at around 11 am, took my shower, and then went to the town. Then, we went to eat at a food court, which was quite a scene for me. I walked to a stall and asked the lady at the counter nicely with smile on my face. But I was taken aback when she treated me coldly, as if I was someone who didn't worth her time. Thinking back how she frowned at me when I was ordering food was enough to boil me up! I felt like shouting at her face, "I'm your freaking customer! How could you make me feel like dirt???"

I cursed at her in my heart (and even in a language that I thought, and prayed, that she wouldn't understand). And I didn't say a word when she said her cold 'thank you' after I paid. I forced myself to swallow the food that I ordered from her. I was so angry, annoyed, and irritated.

I cursed over and over. I glared at her stall. Even my friends told me to calm down.

But then, I felt bad. I should have just been patient enough. I felt sorry for the lady. She probably had a rough day. I guess I had just committed a sin. I was so sorry, and asked forgiveness from the Big Guy up there.

Sorry Lord...

I must have disappointed Him. There you go, Me. You've still got a lot to learn.

It was a good lesson. I know that I'm a person who couldn't tolerate impertinence because I was raised to respect and be polite to others. But I also have to know that not everyone comes from the same background as me. So that's where tolerance takes place.

Till later, toodles!

-Miss B-

Love is in the air, therefore, breathe and live!

***Warning***

If you're not too keen with lovey-dovey post, kindly leave this site now.

***

Yesterday marked the fifth year of Polar Bear and I being together. Oh, how time flies! If it were a baby, it's by now 5 and in kindergarten already.

I'm thankful to God for everything, for He was, is, and will be there throughout my journey with Polar Bear...

and to Polar Bear,

thanks dear for everything. I hope that I will always be able to be the one who loves and comforts you throughout good or bad times... and I know we fought a lot in the past and even on-going, but it was really an honor, a blessing for me to "grow up" with you all these years... and may I say the words that I would never be tired or bored or sick to say, that it's always my pleasure because that's how I really feel about you...

I love you...

-Polar Bear's Honey-

Open secret

I'm an unpublished singer who's looking for a band. -el-oh-el-

Well I wouldn't need one if only I try my best to learn to play guitar.

In fact, I did try once. But I discovered my fingers were too short, and were not quick enough during the transition of chord to chord. For example, when I start playing with G, I find it difficult to change to C, without pausing. They said practice makes perfect but I wasn't patient enough to practice till I become perfect.

Should I learn guitar, again??? should I??

mmm.....

-Miss B-

Q&A

It's funny to think how little it takes to misunderstand something/someone. And when you do, you suddenly go mad. It's even easier to go mad, to be angry, and to let silence does the talking.

But what happen to the person that you are mad with?

Will you give her/him the chance to explain? She/he probably hasn't done anything. And you take it to a new level.

It's something to ponder upon. Sometimes you probably didn't do anything. But you get the blame, and you may think that it's not fair.

I come to believe that's how life leads. I just hope that I have the strength to persevere.

-Miss B-

From Laundry to Drama

I did my laundry yesterday and found out that it wasn't dry as much and sort of damp. Some of the clothes were even wet. So I made an effort to hang them out on my laundry line in my bedroom. Bad decision. I woke up this morning next to the laundry line and those clothes smelled really bad. Really bad till I couldn't find an English adjective to describe it! I thought the smell would be gone if I dragged the laundry line outside. It didn't. Bad came worst, I had to re-wash all the clothes and spray my room with my air freshener + perfume just to get rid of the smell.

Okay, enough with my rant about my laundry. Now, let's talk about something else.

I've been reading Harry Potter and it was really good. I had fun imagining things and learnt new vocabs from it. J.K Rowling is indeed an awesome author! I feel like becoming a child myself who never wants to grow too old for another adventure with Harry Potter.

Besides Harry Potter, I also spent few hours to watch Korean drama series with my beloved flatmates. I was hooked! Despite the corniness and drama that sometimes made me feel like banging my head over the wall, I was definitely taken aback with their acting. The actors acted really well with their facial expression and voice tone... and I must admit that the camera angles and movements were indeed very effective in portraying those acting! I found myself screaming wow!

Okay, I think that's all so far. I'm having an appointment with a doctor tomorrow. I hope everything is alright.

Till later, be good!

-Miss B-

My Holiday Plan

I reckon it's been forever since I last updated my blog.

Hello folks! How's life been treating you???

I'm on semester break right now, and I tell you it means paradise to me! No more sleepless nights burning the midnight oil just to catch the deadline the next day!

Or even if I stay awake the whole night it's because I want to give way to my movie marathon or facebook stalking (oops, I didn't just say that!) or whatever I want because I have all the time in the world before the next term begins!

Long story short, FREEDOM IS MINE!

But of course, even if I want to do a lot of things (and I wish shopping is included), I won't ever be free from my financial curse -- it's not really a curse, but if you're a poor-student-yet-ambitious like me, you surely know what I mean.

Apparently, I got my study allowance for 4 months in advance earlier this time. But it's such an agony... Why? because I can't spend it until next month. If I do, I'm going to starve for the next 4 months. It's as if you have mounds of gold coins in front of your eyes but you aren't allowed to touch them, because they aren't really yours till the time comes, how sad!

But I'm indeed thankful because it came out earlier this time.. at least I can start budgeting my expense... and hopefully I become wiser, and discipline myself not to squander more...

Okay, let's not talk about depressing subject!

I think I'm going to spend my whole sem-break reading Harry Potter. I know I'm a waaaaaaaaaaaayyyyy behind time, but it wasn't really my fault for not speaking English when I was a kid, was it? Plus, J.K. Rowling never translated those books into my mother tongue... So, it's no one fault anyway :P

I think I should stop ranting now. I'll talk to you again soon.

-Miss B-

When I ask the world to talk to the hand.

I've been terrifically busy. And I did a lot of things that I regret later. These past few weeks have revealed me the other side of me. One of them is, I'm worst in working in group. Most of the time I prefer working alone. I think it's much easier and I don't need to feel bad afterward for not doing my best and affect the other groupmates.

But my future career demands me working with people, and that terrifies me. I'm a person that stressed out easily (no, I'm not proud of it) and when I work so committed in something, I expected my other groupmates put the same effort. I don't think people will choose me to work with. I'm probably the last choice because I have a tendency in making others stressed out, especially when they don't show me the same commitment like the way I do

It's like learning to live with others, and some people are just good in being a pain in the neck.

May my heart grow bigger to be capable of 'forgiving'

-Miss B-

Only One

Hello everyone!

This page has been left unattended for quite a while. I've been busy being a student and a teacher at the same time. I had my practicum for three days last week and enjoyed every moment of it!

But now, I'm back to my student life, try to finish everything before its due. It's so chaotic!

I hope I can write more on this page... I really have to go to bed now... Not that I'm sleepy but I have a class at 10, and hopefully will be able to wake up at 6 so I could continue working on my assignments. It drains off my energy to bits!

Hopefully, I can spend an hour or two this weekend to update this page... I hate seeing it abandoned.

Oh, I'm in love with this song now

Alex Max Band's "Only One"

My eyes are painted red
The canvas of my soul
Is slowly breaking down, again
Today I heard the news
The stories getting old
When will we see the end?
Of the days, we bleed, for what we need
To forgive, forget, move on
Cause we've got

One life to live
One love to give
One chance to keep from falling
One heart to break
One soul to take us
Not forsake us
Only one
Only one

The writing's on the wall
Those who came before
Left pictures frozen still, in time
You say you want it all
But whose side you fighting for?
I sit and wonder why
There are nights, we sleep, while others they weep
With regret, repent, be strong
Cause we've got

One life to live
One love to give
One chance to keep from falling
One heart to break
One soul to take us
Not forsake us
Only one
Only one

Just you and I under one sky

One life to live
One love to give
One chance to keep from falling
One heart to break
One soul to take us
Not forsake us
Only one

One life to live
One love to give
One chance to keep from falling
One heart to break
One soul to take us
Not forsake us
Only one
Only one

Till later, folks! Be good!

-Miss B-

Dangerous and Sweet

When I was a teenager, my parents always commented the way I talk to others, especially with my friends. They said I was prone to be rude, undermining and hurt others. I wasn't really bothered, as for me that was my way to socialize and bond with others. But now, coming to face the reality, I guess they're right. I have a great tendency to hurt people through the way I approach them. I'm rude and egoistic. And I'm always defensive; I expect people to hear my justification. I hate to be sorry and I'm rarely empathic. I'm oversensitive as well.

I guess this song describes me well

It's difficult to see from the surface.
But everything goes in and it stings,
like a spider.
Hits you deep inside and

Chorus:
I know that you are just like me, oversensitive.
We're and ordinary breed
Taking everything for much more than it means.
Well it's dangerous, and it's sweet.
Cut us and we bleed.

All these words that we speak casually.
Well maybe im just weak, but it hurts me.
Everything you said x3
Well it cuts, like a knife
it hurts me deep inside and

Chorus

I should put on my armor the next time I see you
So I won't be harmed. I know I can shoot my own arrows.
Im sorry I hurt you.
I know that like me you can be oversensitive.

Ba Ba Ba Ba Ba Ba Ba
Ba da Ba Ba Ba
Ba Ba Ba Ba Ba Ba Ba
Ba da Ba Ba Ba

Chorus

Yeah its dangerous and sweet.
Don't you know its dangerous and it's sweet?
Cut us and we bleed.

I always think that I'm not good with relationship, that a person like me is better off staying alone. Becoming a hermit is one of the options. You're far away from civilization, it's just you and yourself. You won't be hurt because you won't be able to hurt others.

Prove me wrong.

-Miss B-

I come to worship and bless Your Holy Name

I had this song in my head the whole morning. I was buoyed and touched for every word is meaningful... they sound so beautiful to my ear...

Through It All

You are forever in my life

You see me through the seasons

Cover me with Your hand

And lead me in Your righteousness

And I look to You

And I wait on You

I will sing to You, Lord

A hymn of love

For Your faithfulness to me

I'm carried in everlasting arms

You'll never let me go

Through it all

Hallelujah, hallelujah

And thus I want to begin my day dedicating this to Him for how much I yearn to bless His Holy Name...

-Little E-

Getting Older

I need to be ready no matter what it takes.

No matter how much it hurts,

No matter how much it burns,

No matter how much it delights,

No matter how much it pleases,

I need to be ready.

All the consequences.

All the outcomes.

I need to toughen myself, if I have to

I need to loosen up, if I have to

I need to bear it all.

It's hurtful, it's pleasing

It's all mysterious.

And hopefully soon I'll be able to tell.

-Miss B-

Take 5

Apart from being an ideal place to study, library can be a quite depressing place. You look around and all you can see is people deeply engaged with their studies. Well what do you expect? It's library! Welcome to the world of nerdy-ness (if such term exists). If you're lucky you probably spot one or two secretly browsing their facebooks (I'm one of them!) but at the same time trying to appear busy with notes and pencils in hands...

But I kinda love this place. It's warm and quiet... and most importantly, my bed is not here to lure me to dreamland... zzzzzZZZZ

Ok folks, excuse my lame joke.

Time's up, off to work again.

-Miss B-

Challenge

Well life has its ups and downs. Mine now has been lower than usual. I have to catch up with a lot of things like practicum, group project, lesson plans, essays, project again, etc. To top it all, I got a challenge from Polar Bear last night. He asked me to "back down and listen more". This is a difficult task for a talkative like me (who sometimes can be gabby!)

So Polar Bear reckons that I should lessen my babbles which most of the time make me childish and silly. I said "OK" and here I am now, channelling my thoughts up here and trying my best not to forfeit the challenge.

Wish me luck.

-Miss B-

The Day I Became an Addict

I don't know why but ever since I jumped off the plane last week (of course with a tandem master, to whom I was attached to) I feel like I've become an adrenaline junkie. I was never an adventurous person. But once you did something extreme, and you enjoyed it, you couldn't help but to be addicted and yearn for something more.

I suddenly feel like the world is my playground. Of course the fear is still there, but I couldn't resist the temptation. I'm drawn to explore the adventure.

If you're a female, you're surely more attracted to look at the person in red rather than

the little frightened-but-having-fun critter attached to him!

(Ladies, his name is Sergey, and he's from Russia *wink*)

I wish I could do it more. And this time I want to do it alone, without the tandem master behind me.

-Miss B-

Just another Saturday

Few years back, I would never picture myself sitting on the table, browsing for job vacancy over the net while nibbling girlguide biscuit. I always thought that I'd be content with the way I am, especially when it comes to financial matter.

Now, I've reached a phase in my life where I start to worry about part time job and extra income. The allowance provided isn't sufficient enough for an ambitious student like me. I want to do a lot of things while the opportunity lasts. But I always have an issue with what you call as "Financial Barrier". Sigh, if only I were born with a silver spoon in mouth...

If you think of me as a materialistic person, you're deadly wrong. Though I don't deny the fact that I'm in a great need of extra cash in my pocket, money is still not the main reason I'm after job. I want the experience, and that's one of the thing that money can't buy.

I shall not be weary even if those potential employers don't get back to me. I know the Big Guy up there will always provide for me. And should the jobs are meant for me, they will ultimately come to me.

And I could probably start dreaming about skydiving by then... *wink*

-Miss B-

The Day When You Should Be Merry!

Oh dear, I hate glooming this page with depressing posts especially on the day when Prince William, the future reigning monarch of England, ties the knot!

I should be merry for Kate Middleton, the commoner who is soon joining the royal family!

Congratulation, Your Highness! Wishing you the best of life today and in the days to come!

Photo taken from The Telegraph

-Miss B-

Haunted

If you're looking for a word to describe me, maybe you can consider "pessimist".

I'm aware that my confidence has grown a bit these past few years... But sometimes insecurity won't just happy to leave me alone...

I'm haunted by my inadequacy, I feel unaccomplished.

Something like if others get 'tick' for five times, I only manage to get two.

I know I should have been more grateful. But I just can't help it sometimes.

I wish I outgrow this feeling soon.

-Miss B-

Find me

You know how it feels like drowning, so worn out, you feel like crying but all you can do is staring blankly at the wall? You head feels empty, you try to recall but you can't. It's just void. Vacant.

I’m just emotionally unwell.

I told you so many times on how much I hate goodbye, even if I’m still gonna see you few months later.

Or at least from the monitor screen.

I hate the fact that distance does us apart.

How I wish I could fly.

But I’m just a mere mortal who wants to hear your heartbeat, and feel warm in your arm.

-Little Eden-

Take a Bow

When I was a little girl, I listened to Madonna's 'Take a bow'. I always remember it as a beautiful song, though I understood nothing on the lyric...

And just now, the song suddenly came back into my head and I couldn't resist it but to hum the tune. I took an initiative to google the song after that, and yup, it's accessible through the Youtube.

I looked at the lyric, which I used to know by heart despite the fact that I didn't understand a thing long time ago. And now when my English lexicon has expanded, things become much clearer. Every word is indeed beautiful! Though the lyric talked more about heart-breaking relationship, frustration, and thus bidding the lover farewell for the persona couldn't take it any longer.

It's my lullaby tonight :)

-Miss B-

When I'm worn out inside out

I feel so vulnerable. I've tried my best to act like a mature adult, who definitely knows what to do whenever problem arises...

I'm in a big trouble... and I feel so hopeless and helpless...

How I wish to never give up on miracle... sigh...

-Little E-

Teacher, in the making

I've tried my best to discipline myself lately, and started to regard myself as a teacher. I'm becoming one, I told myself. I try to make sense of almost everything from a teacher perspective. Even when I read the Bible, I'll look for a point on how I can apply it in my future teaching practice.

When Polar Bear told me this morning that he didn't mind going to work a bit later so he could talk to me longer, I started to worry. I don't want him to be late for work. I don't want him to astray from his discipline, especially when our future careers require us to deal with people. As for me, I want to keep the professionalism. So I want him to keep his as well.

I guess I'm becoming too rigid. But I hope it won't hinder my passion as a teacher-to-be.

and one more thing, I don't want to care much about what people think about me. There's nothing to proof. I just want to do my best in everything that I do.

-Miss B-

Feel joy on a sunny day!

Today I worked as a volunteer in a booth where I had to deal with people. It was awesome!!! I was pretty nervous at first, I didn't know what to say to those who dropped by. But to my surprise, it didn't turn out too bad, I managed to smile and made a wee chat with them. Asking them where they came from, and got to learn some foreign words... it was fascinating! I didn't really feel tired. Words suddenly came out naturally, though I stumbled over a little... I guess my "affective filter" was low that time... :) :) :)

Then I went out for tea with my girlfriends, and greeted by a little fellow who was eating with his dad at the next table. I reckon he's just 3-4 years old... and he's super adorable!

I came home as a content being. I had a good time :)

-Miss B-

"I love therefore I am"

If you've been reading me since the beginning, you surely know how much I fear waking up in the morning to find myself unable to love. To be so numb, to be expressionless. It's too subjective, I couldn't find a better word to explain it.

I keep on asking myself, what does it mean by loving? A close friend of mine shared 1 Corinthians 13 to me.

Verse 4-7 always made me feel convicted, till there was once when I thought that I would never be able to love...

I feel ashamed... I'm too weak to love... To love indeed takes a great courage... To let go grudge, to offer forgiveness... I was emotionally hurt so many times till I became an emotional handicap (if only such term exist). But I don't want to be paralyzed forever, and hence I gather every drop of strength left, strive to love again.

"There's always hope", I told myself over and over.

I'm surprised at how I could relate myself to poetry. I found this poem during my poetry class. It's just beautiful, the way it is...

Definition of Loving

by Bruce Dawe

Thank you for love, no matter what its outcome,
that leads us to the window in the dark,
that adds another otherness to others,
that holds out stars as if they were first diamonds
found in a mine that had been long closed down,
that hands out suns and makes us ask each morning:
What else do we need, picnickers in time?
Thank you for love that does not hang on answers,
That says, “Enough’s enough, to love is plenty …”
– by such signs do we know the world exists,
amo ergo sum, thank you for that.
The miles, the years, the lives that lie between
– they always lay there, and they always will,
but look, the loved one spans that dizzy distance
by the act of being, and we lovers turn
our faces steadily thou-wards as a field
of sunflowers like a tracking station turns,
charting its meaning by the westering sun.'

***

Lord, teach me to sincerely love.

-Miss B-

Random song in my head

It's amazing how a song reminds you of your past so much, as if you are brought to the scene itself to see the old you listening to the very same song.

And just now I listened to a song which was once so dear to my heart. Every time I heard the beat, the melody, my mind started to wander. Weirdly enough, I could even remember the person who I used to think of whenever I listened the song long time ago.

Music has done so much to my world. No, I'm not a musician or involved in music industry though how much I wish I were.

Now I wonder how I could apply music in my future career...

Oh, I've been listening to Israel Kamakawiwo Ole's version of Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I love the ukulele sound... and I seek solace in every line of the lyric... :)

-Miss B-

We're still fighting

It's quite cold outside, and I have my socks on. I wish I have a driving license and a car so I can go out and party like most my coursemates do.

No, I'm not so into drinking and hardcore partying. But the idea of having a social life like a teenager who's just been away from home really tempts me. I wanna be silly. I wanna have life. And for once, I just wanna be irresponsible without bothering of what people might think about me. Polar Bear said I'm in mid-20's crisis. I live in denial and try to revive my teenage life by doing things that I had never done when I was one. Pathetic eh?

But one thing for sure, I never regret my adolescence years even if I spent most of the time being an obedient daughter. I lived my life to a standard my parents expected me to. I didn't go party, neither the chance of going to a prom. I came home before my curfew(which normally at 6pm). Surprisingly, I didn't break the rules even when I first stayed away from home at the age of 18. I was too scared to fall from grace, and to disappoint my family was the last thing on my mind.

I told myself that it's okay to be sensible, to be prudent. I don't need to go against the current and do things that aren't me (as most my friends that time were "having the time of their lives" by partying, traveling, etc) I remember being labelled as the nerdy (or should I say the loser?) in my school and thus was well qualified to be a social outcast. It was a painful memory. But I survived. And that what makes me proud until now. To survive and to move on.

Growing up is a big thing. It's not easy and you'll be tempted along the way. But you've got to know your stance and your strength.

Learn to be wise.

-Miss B-

Let it be a sweet sound in Your ear

You've given me my voice... and an ear to melody...

How wonderful it'll be, if this tiny soul of mine sings for Your Glory...

-Little E-

You Smile I smile

I sent my laptop for tech health check last week, and I didn't get it back till this afternoon. Thus, it explains the long hiatus. I miss writing on this page, though I know no one would bother to see if I come up. There's a lot of thing running in my head, and it'd be good if I could write them down.

I woke up this morning feeling jolly despite the fact that I haven't finished my assignments.

"About 30% to go, won't hurt me much even if I become a lil ignorant", my heart rebelled.

I went to class, fully motivated, and ready to pick up lesson along the line. Then during the lunch break, my friends and I walked to the town to fetch my baby, the lappy. The guy in the IT store said that it was perfectly fine and they updated some software that need to be. We went for lunch after that, and I felt bliss.

But then, as my friend used to tell me, "sh*t happens". And indeed, it really happened. I lost my pendrive, and there it goes, my one week of hard work. I'm actually a last minute person. I love doing everything at the very last moment because it kinda satisfying knowing that I could finish my task on time despite the time constraint. But children, I have to warn you, it's not a good practice!

Ok back to the story, this time I made the effort to start working on my assignments a way earlier. I've finished 70% of my essay, just need to work on editing, and intro and conclusion. And you probably could guess it --> I saved the document in the pendrive. To some sort, I have been feeling that I should save the documents somewhere. But I didn't. I neglected my gut, and now they're gone. Life's hard eh? Sh*t indeed happens.

But I have to remain positive. So, I smiled because I'd feel good as long as I do.

I say my mantra over and over, "everything happens for reason".

I think I should go back to work. Till then, be good folks!

-Exhausted Miss B-

Don't you bring me down today

I didn't know why I was so upset. I got to know from my girlfriends about people talking bad about me and I became so angry. Initially I was pissed off with the person who started the whole thing. I swore and and screamed at the top of my lung... and now I regret it. Lose control and run amok, those are qualities that I'm not proud to have. In fact I'm ashamed of myself. I'm stable and I won't be mad easily, that was what I used to think about myself. But tonight, I lost control. I let myself to be eaten by anger, being so emotional, and I cried in frustration! Boohoo!

Then it suddenly dawned on me, why should I be upset? Well that's life, honey. Once you were on the top, everybody adored you. Now the wheel rolls and you are down at the bottom. You're upset, but it's okay to feel that way. Acknowledge the feeling, and stop being a bummer. You've gotta climb back.

I was furious earlier because people called me "attention seeker". But why should I be mad? I do love attention. What's wrong with that? and those people who name-called me don't even know me! wait a sec, do I even know them??? No! So, why should I care?

Words will definitely bring you down if only you allow it to.

I thank God for He's raised my confidence. I just need to make sure it's constant, which ofcourse, through His grace.

Now I feel bad to the person who started the whole thing. I shouldn't be so angry at him/her.

-Miss B-

What money can't buy...

I'm so addicted to a song entitled "Wedding Dress"sung by Derek Webb. Thanks to a friend who played this song with a guitar to us that day.

I love the melody. The sound of guitar plucking really blows my mind. The lyric is indirectly related to Hosea and Gomer (the unfaithful woman that God asked the prophet to marry to in the old testament). But I could relate it much to my Christian life. I don't know... it's just so deep and so me.

There's a lot of time in my life when I was led astray, became unfaithful... and worst, faithless...

I ran away from Him so many times, thinking that I could handle everything on my own. I relied much on my human strength instead of swallowing my pride to accept the fact that I couldn't do anything without His grace. The burden stayed there, and yet I foolishly thought I could lift it up with my own bare shoulder.

Here the lyric is,

Wedding Dress

If you could love me as a wife

and for my wedding gift, your life

Should that be all I'd ever need

or is there more I'm looking for

and should I read between the lines

and search for blessings in disguise

To make me handsome, rich, and wise

Is that really what you want

I am a whore I do confess

But I put you on just like a wedding dress

and I run down the aisle

and I run down the aisle

Im a prodigal with no way home

but I put you on just like a ring of gold

and I run down the aisle to you

So could you love this bastard child

Though I don't trust you to provide

With one hand in a pot of gold

and with the other in your side

I am so easily satisfied

by the call of lovers so less wild

That I would take a little cash

Over your very flesh and blood

Because money cannot buy

a husband's jealous eye

When you have knowingly deceived his wife

-Miss B-

The Journey

I remember a lady told me a fact about being a Christian not long ago.

She said, being a Christian doesn't mean you'll lead a good life. In fact, the moment you determine you want to live a christian life, the struggle begins because the enemy won't let you go to the Father.

I know that the path won't be easy. It's a long narrow road and challenging. I'll stumble and fall. But I have to rise again. And like the light at the end of the tunnel, He'll be the destination that I walk to.

I'm not active in church activity though I yearn to serve Him. But just like what Polar Bear told me few days ago, we would serve Him in our own way, from a small deed like feeding the duck in front of the house, to a bigger charity in the town. Just do any random act of kindness as much as possible, leave the rest to Him. You'll never know when He'd choose your offering for glory :)

-Miss B-