I told Polar Bear about it and he gave that look of "owh, she's having her bizarre moment again". He wasn't even close to happy hearing it. He said I'm just trying to find another excuse for my own negligence.
Excuse, that's another thing that defines me. Whenever things don't go the way I want it to be, I always look for excuse. "Oh, I didn't manage to... because..." I can come up with a pretty good essay about it. Sigh.
Ok, back to the original story.
So I went out for a course today. And then came back in the afternoon. Since today is Sunday, I suddenly felt bad for not being able to attend the mass in church. It was almost sunset, and was not as bright as earlier. Plus it was cloudy, as if trying to warn me a heavy shower was about to pour. And I was penniless. I had around 11-12 bucks in my purse. Should be enough for taxi, I thought. Polar Bear was a bit unhappy about it. He said, I shouldn't walk alone by that time, in that kind of weather. But I was adamant. I wanted to go to church so much. So, I went downstair and asked my flatmate to lend me 10 bucks. Off I went afterward.
When I was in church, my mind was occupied with my latest expenditure. I've withdrawn twice already for this week. And I wondered where all the money went. I started to do math during the reading up to the homily. I felt guilty for not paying attention but I just couldn't help it.
Then I went home. Since it was still quite bright, I decided to wait for bus in the bus stop. Waited for 30 minutes, no sign of bus. I tried to wave at one taxi that was passing by, he never saw me and hence drove away. I could feel the level of panic arising. Without further ado, I called my friend, asked him if he could pick me up. He did, and sent me home.
When I reached home, I offered him the 10 dollar note, but he refused. He was being the nice guy again, and I was ashamed of myself for burdening him. I thanked him and told how sorry I was to have bothered him. He just smiled and blessed me to leave peacefully.
When I arrived home, I wanted to gave the 10 dollar notes back to my flatmate but she told me to keep it first. I think I put it in my pocket then. Another friend came by and asked us out for dinner. I tagged along.
Then after dinner, I went to a shop and there I realized the 10 dollar note was gone. I tried to look for it everywhere but of no avail.
I went home sulkily and blamed myself for being so careless.
"You've just lost your one day meal", I could hear my logic hammering my conscience.
But suddenly, like a bulb that has just lighted, an idea came up out of no where.
"Maybe this is the reason you're called to church", that voice told.
Maybe someone is in dire need of money, so God moved you to go to church. He knew that you wouldn't have money, so He made you go to your flatmate for the 10 bucks. Then you dropped it unintentionally and now the person who needed it better found it.
I don't know if I was just trying to console myself, but that's how I really feel at the moment. I'm indeed upset, but I can't let this negligence of mine haunting me.
God is so clever. I'm trying my best to have more faith.
-Miss B-
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