I had a bad day. Well, not that the day has practically over (there's still a chance that the day turns out to be a great one), but up to this moment I'm not really on the mood. I feel lonely. I wish I could talk to someone about things that have happened earlier, and also my disappointment over them.
At work, I think I have a problem in fitting in. Don't get me wrong, I have a great bunch of people working with me and I even get closed to a few of them but sometimes I just feel awkward. Maybe I tried so hard to make them like me without realizing that I was actually scaring them away. Or maybe because I'm new and they need time to accept me the way they do to the others. I could tell that they are still on the 'barrier' zone where they are being polite and nice to me just like how you would treat a visitor from somewhere else. Perhaps I should guard my tongue, as in not to talk too much so I won't risk myself 'poking the beehive' by mentioning things that shouldn't be. But I should be friendly and generous with smiles. I remember a girlfriend told me a fact earlier that primitive people turned their mouth up to exposed their both upper and lower front teeth as an indicator that they meant no harm. I was actually called "Miss Cheerful" by few colleagues because I would never fail to smile whenever I met them.
After work, I would go back to the place where I'm renting now and endure the torture of the hot weather. I have a small fan to help me survive, but even the blow are most of the time hot. Thank God, He knew that I had a rough day earlier and therefore poured some rain to this place. It felt much cooler and I slept through the whole afternoon.
While preparing my dinner just now, I was suddenly stroke by a sudden pang of sadness. There was no water so I couldn't do the dishes. Therefore I just settled for a pack of instant noodle. While cooking, I looked around to ensure that there was no tokay gecko trying to slip in through the crack on the wall (more about this later). After that, I went back to my room and decided to have my meal there. Looking at my meal and thinking about eating it alone saddened me. I thought about my family at home, about how they would gather for dinner and enjoy it with each other. The thought made me feel homesick. There is no other place that I want to be at but home. I miss its comfort and warmth.
I know that there's something great waiting for me in the future should I continue this path. But to wait till the moment comes seems unbearable. I wonder how Mother Mary pulled through after everything that happened to her. We probably think how lucky it is to be chosen being the Mother of God, but we were not in her shoes when woes befell her. Imagine living in a society who condemned an unmarried woman expecting a baby, who was raised just to be seen suffering on the cross few decades afterward.
I wish I could pray like Jesus on the Mount of Olives right before He was arrested by the crowd.
"Father, if You will, take this cup of suffering away from Me. Not My will, however, but Your will be done" (Luke 22:42)
One would never be able to utter such prayers without courage. And I pray that I'll be courageous enough to pray those lines...
What might seem to be a series of unfortunate events may in fact be the first step of a journey (A Series of Unfortunate Events (film), 2004).
Hold on, B. It's going to be better soon.
-Miss B-
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