But I'm no angel. I'm too barbaric to be civilized. I'm struggling to live up to my values. My philosophy of life makes it even more difficult. Because it's hard to tell the line that differs the stance of being a darling and a jerk. Most of the time I caught myself standing in a position that I thought was the good side, without realizing that my other leg was actually stepping on the opposite. And when I became aware of it, it was far too late. The damage had been done. I was screwed to the fullest, with my life principles hammering my head. It was such a painful emotional punishment for my tiny little soul. I swear I could have gone mental.
Sometimes I wish I were the bad person. Easy ending, without much justification of what you've done. You don't need to weigh your deed. No need to relate it to any of your values. And when people talk about it, they'll simply say "because she's the bad person in the story". Like the antagonist in the action movie, whose story ends with either being shot or involved in a horrible crash. Boom, just like that.
But it's too complicated. To choose being the bad person would be too simplistic. It's like being a simpleton. And there's no way my life would be that simple. Simple means no challenge, and no challenge does not promise learning when I've sworn to be forever a learner. It's just contradicting to the whole thing, to me.
In the end, I have to go back to the only option left: struggling in being human. I may not be the protagonist, but I'm definitely someone. Someone that you'll be beholden to. Because I'm a part of the story.
to be or not to be....
And I don't expect you to understand the whole thing. Just saying.
-Miss B-
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