I don't know why I get so upset. So upset that I can lock myself in the closet. No kidding.
I'm now in an excessive state of depression. I blame my oily hair. I blame my tired eyes. My head that keeps on thinking about everything. My lips for not smiling. In short, I blame myself.

I'm bogged down by assignments. Mountain of papers on my desk. I blame it as well.

I blame myself for putting them on hold till the very last minute. I blame my brain for getting tired so easily. I am blameworthy.

I'm so tired of blaming myself. So tired of feeling inferior, of unworthy. I have a long counseling session with Polar Bear just now. He was right the whole time. There's nothing that I can do to even doubt on the spec of his logic. Ineffable.

I hope he won't ever stop loving me. For what I am. For me being sans make-up. I, beyond human's eyes. The inner me. The little insecure being that trapped in a woman of 20s' body. The nerdy me. The easily frightened me. The sometimes-monstrous creature in me. The easily offended me. The culpable me. He's seen me in all forms. And yet, every time I get down on my knee, I pray that he who came in my life years ago won't ever cease being my man. My boy-turn-man. My partner in all circumstances. My Polar Bear. Despite of my talks on quitting my social life and becoming a hermit.

To the moon, I channel my negative thoughts, hoping that they are neutralized. Sigh.

or maybe, I just need to take a shower and have a bowl of instant noodle.. Others can wait.

-Miss B-